A smile here, a joke there, some laughter to elevate everyone's mood. These are the things I do to hide the fact that I am breaking.
Some already know about my mental state. Thus, they watch me closely. Laugh a bit more. Throw in a confident smirk. Say a witty comeback. I keep reminding myself to keep talking, keep up the facade, keep being the Li Yan they want me to be.
I stand up to go to the toilet. I walk with my shoulders back and head held high. I smile at everyone and say my greetings to teachers with a casual smile. My stature being quite tall, my fake confidence makes me seem even taller. I make sure I have eye contact with as many people as I can.
I reach the toilet and lock myself in a cubicle. I put the toilet cover down and sit on it. Head in my hands, I draw deep breaths. The atmosphere while talking to my classmates was suffocating to me.
Smile. Say hi. Hit him playfully. Put on a big smile. Be the person they want you to be. 5 more hours. Don't cut. Eat more. Play around. Talk in class. Don't cut. Push your bracelet up. Don't stay quiet. Laugh. Smile. Tell a joke. 3 hours. Don't think about cutting. Make conversation. Don't cut. Eat. 2 hours. Laugh. Talk louder. Smile. Tease her. Laugh. Don't cut. 1 more hour, you can do this. Don't cut. Don't cut. Don't cut. Don't cut.
My day is exhausting. Pretending and lying to so many people is tiring. The first thing I do when I get into my car is to sleep the entire journey home. Because I still have to lie to my parents.
"How was school?"
Tiring. Horrible. Exhausting. "It was great. We had presentation today so we hardly learned."
"Well that's good."
Not in the least. "Yup."
I flop onto my bed after having dinner. I groan. Because I still have to do my homework. After homework, I sleep for maybe an hour. Then, I am woken by my nightmares. I try to go back to sleep. But after 2 hours, I know it's futile. So I take out my laptop and write. The click-ing of my keyboard soothes me. I write and write for maybe 4 hours. By then, I have to shower and get ready for school.
So, you see? The days of a mentally ill teenager is not just cutting, crying and listening to sad songs. It's lying, cheating, exhaustion and so on.
We try our best to show the world our good side. We try to be normal. But I guess destiny has other plans for us.
We are the broken. But we try our hardest to be whole.
