Send Me A Rainbow (Wattys2015)

6

6

       Cops cars showed up at the house and by then the man was gone. My mother had never come out of the house and I was not sure if she was in there or not.

       I felt nothing

       No pain

       No sorrow

But now I wish I did, I wish I had a feeling to be thought about. I hate this. I fucking hate it. But just then out of the corner of my eye I saw something.

It was dad. I recognize him from pictures.

“Anthony.” He said quietly as all the sounds of former life began to drown out.

“I know what you are thinking Anthony.” He said even quieter. I could barely hear him anymore when he said something to me in the quietest voice but I could not make it out. I thought about asking but by then he was already gone. I didn’t understand I had so many questions for him. Most of them were logical but I guess yo could say some were half-hearted.

Slowly I began to hear the world again and everyone began to hustle and bustle. Wherever the news was everyone else seemed to be. I could hear that small voice in my head begin to speak to me again. They tell me many different things. They are part of the reason I am where I am right now. I had many wonders about myself up to this point. Like why did I take my own life? Most likely the same question my mother is asking herself right now.

I looked around and I was sick on the inside. Sick of all the shit that had been happening to me. So I did what I thought I had to do. At first I was glad that I thought maybe my mother would begin to care, but no. She has not cared one single bit. I had no feelings, but I remember this one.

Depression

It would have hit me in a huge wave when I was alive. I thought about suicide again, but to only realize that is what I had already done. There is no true way out of nothingness. It is a swirling mind trap that makes you think about everything you have done. So rock bottom does suck you in. I may not have feeling.

But I have thoughts.