Because of a Cowboy

Hello, Goodbye

I thought a lot about Whisper as we all rode in a procession to the cemetery, a week after the night we lost her. I thought about the last time I saw her. The hospital staff let us in one at a time.

My beautiful sister looked the exact way she did right before she left for rehab. She was skinny, her face sunken in with dark circles under her eyes.

Her arm was covered in pin pricks in a desperate attempt for her to escape withdrawal symptoms.

Even though she looked a mess, her eyes were shut and her face was relaxed. She was at peace. While she lost the battle, she was still a free woman.

After four years of struggling with an addiction she couldn't shake, she was up in heaven, free from all her earthly pains.

Toby gave me a kiss on the cheek as my parents' car came to a halt. "Remember, none of this was your fault. You guys did everything you could. Don't blame yourself."

"I'm trying not to."

Toby got out of the other side and opened the door for me while shielding me with an umbrella. It started drizzling on the way over here, but now the rain was starting to pick up.

I stepped out onto the wet grass. Thankfully my swollen feet could still fit into rain boots.

My family kept close together. There were a lot of us. There were family members I'd see for special, fun occasions, and then there was an extra group that we'd only see at funerals. They were all here.

There was whimpering and crying while my dad, brothers, and cousins pushed the coffin over. Wrylie paid with a bunch of her savings to get one in lavender, which was her favorite color. 

I looked over at Winter, whose belly seemed like it was growing bigger and rounder by the second. I wanted to give her a hug, and it seemed like that's all my family wanted to do, just go and hug each other, but we were all too busy crying and being hot messes.

"I'd like to invite anyone who would like to, to say a few words about Whisper," said the priest.

"We had everyone write letters," my mother said.

I tried my best to keep it together during the letters. It still felt like none of this was real. Whisper would be back any second. The coffin was empty. I'd wake up after this dream, go home, and play board games with everyone.

I took a deep breath as another contraction hit. They were getting longer and more frequent, only a few hours apart and really sporadic.

Little Toby was getting extremely close to making his big grand entrance into the world. Today was just a bad time.

"You're next, Willa," my father said.

I took the folded note out of the pocket of my raincoat. Toby took my umbrella.

"I want to thank everyone for being here," I said. "Whisper would've wanted us to make the best of this sad situation, especially since we're all here doing this on the day before her birthday. She would've been twenty-eight tomorrow.

"My favorite thing about Whisper was how much of a free spirit she was. There was nothing she wouldn't try at least once. She was playful and rambunctious, but always caring and kind. She was always the first one to me when I fell down and skinned my knees, or needed to get a boost up to the kitchen cabinets so I could have more of those snacks I wasn't supposed to eat.

"While we're saying goodbye to Whisper, I just wanted to remind everyone that life goes on after things like this happen. We're all feeling sad right now, and that's okay. We'll all be grieving for a while because we lost someone who meant so much to us way, way too soon.

"Whisper would want us to move on. She'd want us all to be happy, and of course, focus on her incoming nephew. So while we say goodbye to her, let's remember to say hello to the future." I caught my breath and grit my teeth through another contraction. "Who will be here very, very soon."