ambience [h.s]

CHAPTER 24

I don’t even try to make small talk with the driver. I just give her cash when its time. She pulls up to a mansion. The front yard is covered with balloons, and drunk people. The music is blaring, voices come from every part of the perimeter. I collect myself before exiting. I fix my hair by letting it fall down my shoulders, hike up my dress, and force myself to be cool and confident. 

“He’ll be jealous, he’ll come running back.” The driver says. My heart smiles, and I hand her a tip, our girl connection on high. I sashay out of the car. They hired a bouncer, and he stands at the front door. He eyes me as I walk up. I don't say a word, I walk straight in, and he doesn't stop me. My eyes can’t find Harry in all of the commotion, but I spot Justin in the corner. I set my course for him and shove through everybody, muttering “I’m not moving you are” as I reach my destination. 

“Justin.” I breath out. His head snaps in my direction and his face softens as he sees me. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Harry. He forgot me. He told me he would pick me up. He didn’t show, last I saw him he was with a barbie whore.” Justin opened his arms. I accepted his kindness and dive into his chest. Feelings rising up in my throat, but I swallow them down. Justin rubs my back and releases me. 

“Do you want me to go with you to find him?” He asks, stroking my hair. I shake my head and squeeze Justin’s hand as I leave. I see a bunch of people drinking in one room. I ask the first guy where the alcohol is. He points towards the kitchen. I grab a beer and search for an opener. I find myself getting frustrated and try to calm down before my anxiety kicks in, which would mean panic attacks, which would be embarrassing. I find it in the fridge, next to the lemons. I roll my eyes and open my beer. I chug half my beer and exit the kitchen. I grab a shot from every butler that walks by. I get a few jelly shots, my eyes still on high alert for Harry. I continue through the crowd towards the dance floor. And then my eyes see him. Curly hair has sweat dripping off of it, eyes red from the alcohol, drunk laughter, girl dancing on him. My heavy heart just breaks. She is dancing on him. He has a red cup in his hand, and so does she, the barbie. My throat closes, and I try to get my breath through, but its not coming. Calm down. I inhale and exhale through my nose. My chest feels tight, and not from the breathing problem. He is smiling. It hurts so bad. I physically clutch my chest because I can feel the pain throughout my whole body. He doesn't see me. She doesn't see me. Nobody sees me. I raise my beer to my lips, close my eyes, and drink. Take away my pain, take it away. I will myself to get drunk, I will myself to forget, but I can’t. I let my beer bottle slip out of my hand, maybe because I want him to see, maybe I want him to see what he did to me. Harry’s head snaps to my direction. His eyes widen, his body tenses. 

“Rose!” I turn and run up the first flight of stairs I see. I search for a room and when I see one I barrel into it. Harry is right behind me. I choke on my own words when I see him. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Is all I can get out. He steps toward me and I step back. 

“I’m so sorry baby. I forgot. Please forgive me.” He slurs. 

“You forgot?!” Tears fill my eyes. “I waited almost three fucking hours for you! And I find you grinding on some slut! I hate you!” 

“You don't mean that! I am sorry! She told me to drive her to the party, and then Ryan Seacrest invited me inside, and then I got drunk!” He reaches out for me and stumbles. I cover my ears. 

“Stop! That’s a bullshit excuse!” I’m screaming now. 

“Please I had to stay! I’m so stupid!”

“To them, you may be the one who wins awards, the one who always looks your best, who is nice all the time, the one who is the famous and perfect Harry Styles! But to me, you're just Harry! My Harry!” I scream at him. “I don't care who they are, you're my Harry.” I sit on the bed. I can feel the tears in my throat, closing it. Tears slip out of my eyes like my heart is slipping down into a darkness. Slowly, they run down my nose and fall into my lap. 

“But you have to know how I feel about you! It’s stronger than anything I’ve ever felt! I only kissed her once-“ 

“YOU WHAT?!” My heart beat goes up quickly, and I squeeze my eyes shut, the pain spreading as I hope I mis heard. 

“I-I-I’m drunk.” The picture of them making out and grinding haunts me. I want to scream so loudly that the world falls away and I never have to see his face again. The saltwater spills from my eyes faster now, the image stuck on my brain, refusing to leave. 

“Rose.” Harry takes a step towards me and caresses my face. I don't move, except to look up at him, slowly. My eyes, filled with salty water, are cold, and hard, and unforgiving. My eyebrows creased in frustration. My lip shaking, my fingernails digging into my palm. 

“No.” I shove his hand away and run, my feet going fast, but not nearly as fast as my heart. I throw myself down the stairs. I grab Justin’s hand and he runs with me out the door. I hear commotion behind us but I ignore it and plow forward. Justin’s driver is waiting and through my deep, struggling breaths, I hear him say-“home, now.” I lay my head on him and don't feel anything. He grabs my phone and tells me he is texting Diana that I am staying with a friend. I just nod, my thought too blurry to grasp, or think about. My thoughts are like the plant that used to hang by my window. The plant that Diana got me when I was, well, when I was going through a hard time. I didn’t water it. I thought about watering it everyday though. But I never did. Because I wasn't being watered. It died. It’s once thriving and green leaves turned brown and crumbled. The once strong roots were weak and breaking. That’s what I felt like. I lie myself across Justin and he rubs my arm. Instead of his hands I feel Harrys. I feel Harry’s cold rings against my skin instead of Justin’s warm fingers, and suddenly I want them. But I can’t talk. My voice is broken. There is a disconnect from my mouth and my brain, so silence is the only thing I can hear.