My Favorite Season

Selfish

It felt like almost 2 days when I had woken up. My doctor told me that I had fallen into a coma and had to be force fed. When he told me that, my heart felt heavy. I felt like my heart was chained to a brick and thrown in the ocean to sink. I was worried about my health. I was so close to almost dying and then as soon as I was about to get my surgery everything went wrong. Every time I take one step forward I feel like I get pushed 10 steps back. At that moment I didn't care about anything, not my health, not the surgery, not even Warren.  I knew he'd probably heard what happened. He probably realized my life is full of drama and got tired of me. I'm pretty sure I scared him away. I always do that to people. I'm always pushing away the people I love most. Warren was very special to me, I felt that I could trust him. I loved how he cared for others, I loved how he cared for me. I thought that when he saw me, he saw through me. He saw someone who was genuine and free spirited. He never judged me or made me feel like I had to be anything other than myself. I guess he finally reached his breaking point and left. Typical.

I was devastated. I didn't know whether or not I was going to live, I lost a friend, I lost the love of my life and I'm in the hospital. I turned on my left side to lay down and stared off into space. I let my thoughts eat me alive. I layed in that spot for days. I didn't move, eat nor sleep. It was to the point where I was numb. I wasn't hurt, I wasn't sad I was just numb. I didn't care about anything. I didn't even feel alive, I just felt like I existed. I layed in the same spot without food for 4 days, the only thing I could do was just sit and let my overthinking and anxiety eat me alive.

"Hey! I was just informed that your birthday is coming up? The doctor said as he entered my room shocked to see me sitting up instead of laying down.

Yeah I guess.

You guess? I know this may not be the ideal birthday you wanted to have, but life is something to be celebrated every chance you get.

Oh.

Well I'll tell you what." The doctor continues as he walks over to my bed and sits next to me.

"We have to stick together, that's part of the reason I became a doctor. I know that when black people have to go to the hospital with these white doctors that they treat the patients like options. I promise you that I will make sure you get everything you need in order to leave here healthy and happy. "

Thank you. I really appreciate it. I'm just scared. I feel so lost!" I scream as I burst into tears. As I'm crying I feel the doctor grab me and hold me. His body felt tight and built as if he was about to explode, it must have been the rush of emotions, but he was comforting. When he let me go, he looked into my eyes. It feels like he was looking into my soul. We both lean in closer, and closer and closer and then we kiss. Nice and slow and passionate. It felt right, it felt like the right thing to do. I felt happy.