Different worlds ~Ondreaz Lopez~

i don't deserve it

I'm packing up Piper's guitar and getting on my bike. On the ride I calm down a bit and only a few tears run down my face. I push my bike up the long driveway to the house and write to Ondreaz that I am here. When I come to the door, Ondreaz is standing in front of it. "Hey" he gives me a hug. Immediately tears come back to my eyes. "Should we go upstairs?" I nod and take the guitar case with me.

Ondreaz sneaks me past the living room and we enter the room with Tony lying on his mattress. "Tony, can you step out for a second?" Tony is turning to protest when he spots me. "Yeah, sure" he gets up and gives me a quick hug. "Thanks" Ondreaz looks at his brother. He smiles encouragingly and closes the door.

"What's up, Nike?" Ondreaz looks at me worried. "All this time I didn't dare to tell you, but I can't hide it anymore, it destroys me" "ok, I am listening" "I wrote a song about it, can I sing it?" "of course" Ondreaz looks at me encouraging. I unpack the guitar and take a deep breath before I start playing.

I wanna look confident, I wanna be tough
I spent 19 years alone, hiding from everyone
But then you came along and we fell in love
I'm not used to being seen this much by anyone
I've been invisible since I was a child
I'm good at comforting myself when I cry
And all this time I didn't know the reason why
But I can see it now with you by my side
When you look at me
When you ask me how I'm doing
When you take the time to get to know me
It's all too much
When you talk to me
It's the simple things that kill me
And I love the way you love me
But I feel like I don't deserve it
I don't deserve it
The way I see myself, it isn't right
Undeserving, so unworthy of a minute of your time
And I just can't be myself, I try so hard
I want to earn love and affection so I play my part
I've been invisible since I was a child
It's hard to sit here now and let you see me cry
And yeah it's painful always keeping this inside
But when you look into my eyes I wanna run and hide
When you look at me
When you ask me how I'm doing
When you take the time to get to know me
It's all too much
When you talk to me
It's the simple thing that kill me
And I love the way you love me
But I feel like I don't deserve it
I feel like I deserve to be alone
I feel like I am worst than everyone
And I've always felt this way
But you still love me as I am
You still want me and I just don't understand
When you look at me
When you ask me how I'm doing
When you take the time to get to know me
It's all too much
When you talk to me
It's the simple things that kill me
And I love the way you love me
But I feel like I don't deserve it
When you look at me
When you ask me how I'm doing
When you take the time to get to know me
It's all too much
When you talk to me
It's the simple things that kill me
And I love the way you love me
But I feel like I don't deserve it
I love the way you love me
But I feel like I don't deserve it
I don't deserve it

While I am singing I have to start crying again and at the last lines my voice breaks away. I put the guitar aside and bury my face in my hands while sobbing. Ondreaz sits down beside me and pulls me into his arms. I continue sobbing and he caresses my back lovingly. When I stop sobbing, Ondreaz once exhales loudly. "I'm glad you told me that, Nike. You said before that you can't quite accept yourself, but I didn't know that it was so extreme. Listen, you're such a great girl, beautiful, kind and you have a sense of humor. I couldn't think of anybody better. Nike, for me you are perfect and even if you cannot love yourself completely, I love you for everything you are".

"See, you're much too good for me" I start sobbing again. "No, Nike, I just love you. Besides, I might as well say this about you, who says I deserve someone like you?" "Nobody deserves me! I'm just a burden" "don't ever say that again! You're my girl and nobody changes that soon, okay?" I nod and snuggle up to him. "And thank you for coming to me today and telling me that. I'm here for you, babe. Next time you're not feeling well, call me again, okay?" I'm nodding. "Well, I love you, Nike." "I love you too, Ondreaz." He's holding me even tighter.

When I have calmed down, Ondreaz goes to one of the girls for me and gets a make-up remover wipe, because my make-up, which I actually painted on my face this morning quite unnecessarily, is totally ruined. But I only see how bad it really is when Ondreaz comes back with the wipe and I am standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror. My mascara accentuates my red eyes, as it is completely smudged, while my tears have washed my skin free. I quickly remove the remains of my make-up and go back to Ondreaz.

"I like your outfits, by the way. Is this my sweater?" He smiles at me as I look down at myself. I'm wearing one of my gray sweatpants with the sweater Ondreaz gave me on our first date. "You want it back?" I pull it over my head because there's no answer from Ondreaz. "No, leave it on." I put it back on. "I can't believe you couldn't say that before I almost had it off?" I look at him annoyed, but Ondreaz is smiling. "I just wanted to know what you have underneath for later" "later?" "Yes, because you're going to sleep over here." "Oh, I am?" I laugh. "Sure, you think I'm gonna let you go home now?" Ondreaz pulls me to him and kisses me.

"Well, even if I do spend the night here..." "not when, you sleep here, with me, in my arms" I laugh as Ondreaz gives me a warning look. "Ok, so if I sleep here, with you, in your arms, it is totally unnecessary to know what I have underneath, after all we do not sleep alone here" I point to Tony's mattress. "Oh, I'll just lock him out, he'll understand." Ondreaz is smiling at me. "You're impossible," I laugh.

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