what the fuck am i supposed to do? (depressed bakugou x kirishima)

sleepless nights

bakugo pov

i look up at my clock after hours of scrolling through my phone.

"4:48 am"

'ugh, fuck.'

yet another sleepless night. it's something i've started to get used to. i haven't slept well in days, and i haven't eaten a full meal in weeks. i've been crying for hours without even noticing. i'm doing all of this to myself. all because of him.

don't get me wrong. i'm not blaming him for this. i'm blaming my stupid self for having a crush on the wrong person. on the wrong gender.

there's no way he likes guys. even if he did, i doubt he would like me. i'm too much of a dick, but only because i want people to think i'm just some absolute badass who is better than everyone, but i'm not. stupid deku has a powerful quirk now, and i doubt i'm gonna be able to beat him for much longer. and icy hot uses his fucking fire now.

sometimes i wish i wasn't gay, so i wouldn't be like the way i am. maybe if i wasn't gay i wouldn't wear this mask all the time, maybe i would be more comfortable about my real self rather than trying to intimidate everyone.

'i'm definitely not gonna be able to sleep now, might as well go on a walk or something.'

i quickly grabbed a jacket and threw on some sweatpants and quietly headed outside.

it was really nice outside, considering it was 4 am. it was probably around 50°, but i didn't mind it. i walked around my neighborhood in complete silence, hoping to clear any thoughts of him. but i just couldn't. he's constantly on my mind.

i could feel myself start to cry, but i just let it happen. it was 4 am, no one was around outside anyway.

i checked my phone again after walking a bit more and decided i should probably head back before my parents notice. my dad usually wakes up at around 5:45 to go to work and my mom usually wakes up at the same time due to him being so loud when he gets ready.

i walk in the door and to my surprise, my dad was standing at the door. he looked like he was waiting for me to come back.

"katsuki..."

"what."

"is everything okay? usually you're sleeping by now. and why were you out of the house?"

"couldn't sleep. tried to take a walk to clear my head, idiot." i said, with my usual insult.

i never really meant the things i said to people, it was just another part of my intimidation plan.

"well, okay... try to get some sleep. okay?" you have school tomorrow."

"yeah, whatever."

"i'm off to work, i'll you see you tonight."

and with that, he was out of the door. it was just me and my mom, who didn't wake up with my dad this time. i still knew i wasn't gonna be able to sleep, so i got started on breakfast, i didn't really eat much yesterday or the day before and i was starving. cooking was something i was pretty good at. i don't know how long i've been cooking or who got me into cooking, but whoever it was, it worked out.

i was whisking up some eggs when i heard footsteps coming from upstairs.

"is that you, brat?"

"yeah, you old hag."

"what are you doing up this early?"

"i couldn't sleep."

"everything okay?"

"i'm fine."

"are you sure? if you wanna talk about it—"

"I SAID IM FINE." i yelled, with explosions coming off my palms. sometimes i don't even notice that my quirk is activating, this time being no exception.

"alright alright, calm down."

there was silence, for a while. until she spoke up again.

"so, who is it?"

"who is who?"

"your little crush."

what the fuck? how did she know i had a crush on someone?

"who the fuck said i had a crush on someone?"

"come on, it's written all over your face."

i didn't respond, i just went back to cooking. which was probably not the best idea, considering she just kept asking questions, and if i didn't answer them, it would seem like i ACTUALLY had a crush on someone.

she finally gave up and stopped asking questions, but i couldn't hold it in anymore. i needed to get it off my chest.

"i can't tell you because you know them."

"honey, the only friends of yours i know are sweet izuku and that other boy. i forget his name, the one with the spiky hair. the adorable one."

"well..."

aaaand that's the first chapter. i'm basing this story off of real events, me being bakugo. i'm not actually out of the closet, and tbh i don't plan to be anytime soon, but mostly everything that i write in this story has happened to me before.

nckaidkf  anyway that's all i gotta say byeeee.