Losing hope

-All i want-

"When you said
Your last goodbye,
I died a little bit inside"
-kodaline

Hey..

It's um, it's Sadie. It's been a while.

Okay more than a while.

I'm sorry it's been so long i just didn't know if I was strong to do this.

I didn't want to be strong enough. I wanted to forget.

To forget the last few days, I wanted to forget how much those days made me hate you.

I can't wrap my head around a good reason. They tell me it was to spare the pain and it makes sense that you'd come up with that because it was so stupid. So so stupid, it didn't work.

You made it worse actually, you broke me. You selfishly made beautiful memories with me just to ruin them in the end. Happy thoughts tainted, if I try to reminisce, it breaks me down again, I can't help but think of what you did. The hurt you caused me

You were so fucking selfish and I hated you for it.

I want to go a day we're I don't remember but I see you everywhere. I feel you in every single thing I do. I still want to hate you but I know I can't. As much pain that you caused you also allowed me to feel immense joy. You taught me how to live. To live for those who couldn't.

Taught me how to live for you.

I have to go now but I finally came because I had some news.. I just found out  I'm having a babygirl. I haven't told Finn, I wanted you to know first.

I'm scared but I'm ready.

I miss you Millie.

I wish you could meet her. I told Finn that I'd like to think you sent her to me . A little piece of you to still have. If that's the case I'll hold her a little tighter, tell her I love her enough to where it annoys her, I'll double it to how many times I can't say them to you.

I'll come back soon, she needs to meet you anyway.

03•10•20 (draft)