Why is this so complicated?!!!

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I decided on aero and atmo and I want that but I also want to have a connection to water. I know this sounds silly. I owe water my life. Water is what kept me going through the depression and everything else... It would be a HUGE betrayal. Even though I like air. I think I will just not do this. I'm clearly not ready for any of this... And now when I'm writing this I decide to go back to the water and start missing air!!! Either way I miss one of them. I can't do two. It's literally too painful so I'm just gonna leave all of this. I just wanna feel a connection to the water... I don't know what exactly I want. I don't even know anymore. Every time I do something it fails.

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