Here's to the Night

Update

Thank you everyone for your prayers and support. I never really believed in a higher power but I think I'm starting too.. Maybe something good can come out of this after all.

The funeral is tomorrow and my sister is holding up as well as the rest of us, it's an emotional roller coaster but the anger far outweighs the sadness right now.

They did find heroin in his system during the autopsy, as well as struggle marks which means he probably changed his mind and tried to get down but failed.

Right now there's a lot of peace, peace in knowing he's in a better place then this cruel world we live in. I'm battling my own guilt in the situation. What if I hadn't pushed my sister to leave him? What if I hadn't supported her in pressing charges? What if I had gotten to him sooner and tried harder? Would he still be alive?

But then again..

What if I had continued to allow the abuse, the lies and the cheating? It could of been my sister or nephews life taken instead of his. For that I am great full.

I was told by a close friend of his yesterday that he had no hard feeling against me. That he loved me despite what I did. He knew I was just trying to protect two beings who meant so much to me.

He did leave behind a few things including a pink and white tricycle that he wanted my daughter to have. She's been playing on it all day, riding it around the yard laughing and smiling. His niece who he loved very much, no matter what.

Sometimes I think I see him, or hear him. I can see him with my daughter on his lap swinging on the tire swing in the back of our yard, like he always used to do.

Or I hear someone calling my name and think is it him? Could it really be? I get scared thinking about it but then when I realize it isn't him a flood of disappointment washes over me..

I've decided not to go to the funeral. Not because it's to much for me or because I'm to sad but because I'm still to damn angry. To angry at him for leaving, leaving by his own hand.

Because no matter how angry people are at you, or how much you think your loved ones hate you, they don't. They don't hate you at all. It's only temporary.

New Jerseys been bitter cold and gray. Ill never forget the freezing rain that was falling the day he died. The kind of weather we have here does that to you. Makes you feel weak and depressed. Just kicks you while your down.