How to choose the one

She's not a ghost

I have seen Bayne every night for a two entire weeks. My life literally consists of class, dance and then my extra curricular activities at night. My lady parts are bloody falling apart but I can't even begin to know how to stop! I know it's stupid. I know he has a girlfriend.
I know I am heading for an extreme crash.

But I can't stop. I don't want to stop. It's like, if we don't speak of her then she doesn't exist. When it's just the two of us, she doesn't. And as crazy as that sounds, it's ok in those moments.

But only in those moments.

When I'm alone in my room like now and my mind starts to wonder what is he doing and with who, it's there that the worry starts to seep in. The uncertainty of what we are is the silent killer in my head, standing hand in hand with my conscience, both shaking their head and wagging their fingers in disgust.

I know he feels this too. In the quiet moments together, when I feel the unasked question bubbling to the surface, I can see it on his face. The choice. Or worse yet, the decision. Maybe there actually isn't one for him. And let's face it, if it was me, maybe he would have done something by now.

A sickly feeling washes over me every time this thought creeps in. I know it's something I will need to come to terms with at some point.

But not today. Not now. I can't. I'll shove it down like I do with every decent part of me. Im the literal worst person ever now. And I know it.

I do what every other idiotic girl living in a fantasy does; I push it deep down into my deal with it later issues and get dressed to go for a drink with Candice and some of the girls from the team.

Only Candice and Lexi and of course Jax know about Bayne and I. It's better this way he said. I won't lie and say that him saying that didn't crush me. As he explained it, it's more to protect me than him but when I said this to Candice she made a disgusted sound in the back of her throat that pretty much summed up how she really felt. And I agree. I know this secret girlfriend shit isn't right or respectful but I do it anyway. Because I want him, as stupid as that is.

We both know it's to save his ass. And to allow him to keep getting some of mine. Without the added risk of getting caught. But fuck if it isn't fun. Maybe more fun this way.

The fact that this is bullshit isn't lost on me. But in some sort of sick and twisted way, the secrecy of it thrills me in a way that I can't give up right now. The sneaky touches, the stolen moments between us, under everyone's noses, it's hot. It's wrong. It's fucking sexy.

Candice and Lexi have made it clear that it's my choice alone to deal this now and the eventual fallout  that will come from it, but I know they will both be there for it all. Even if they say they won't.

Jax and I don't talk about it. When we run together or work out together, we steer clear of anything to do with Bayne and I and discuss only his new fledgling relationship with a nice girl called Ren, or the band. Anything other than the thing that risks his friendship with both of us and I don't want that.

Jax is sweet and kind and feels like he has worked his way up to bestie status. I can't lose him. Even if I know he thinks of me a little more than I think of him. Part of me likes that too.

The sick part of me. She likes a lot of stupid things lately.

I don't know who I am anymore.

My phone dinging next to me shakes me from my downward spiral and tells me I have about thirty seconds until Candice waltzes in and attacks me for what I'm wearing.