Bag of Bones (Larry Stylinson)

13

I can take a little bit more
Let's shake this poet out of the beast

      Louis wakes up fairly early since his body is used to running on a low amount of sleep for the day. His eyes open around 8:38 in the morning, the sun being at a point in the sky that he hasn't seen in a while since he usually sleeps through this time of day. Right as he realizes that he has woken up in an actual bed instead of being on the floor outside, Louis squeezes tighter onto the body he's wrapped around by instinct.
      Right, Harry came over last night and instead of fighting, they just slept. The boy that has gradually broken his heart bit by bit to where his chest just burns now is in his arms and breathing lightly. Louis can't tell if his heart is swelling with fondness or anxiety. Instead of jerking away or pulling him closer until he can't breathe like his mind tells him to, Louis lays stock-still as he feels Harry breathe against him. It's nice to not have to do anything like put on a face or talk about difficult things.
      It reminds him of all of the times he'd wake up earlier than Harry on the rare occasion back when they were together. Sometimes he'd wake him up in an unconventional way, sometimes he'd wake him up by peppering his face with kisses and whispering sweet things to him, and sometimes he'd just cuddle closer and enjoy the moment for as long as he could. Things were simpler back then, though, back when all the boys had to worry about was what they were going to get each other for Christmas. Louis wants it back.
      He's here now, though, still and awkward against Harry as he lightly snores in the way he's always been endeared by. He wants to sink into the moment and just enjoy what he has now since he doesn't know if he'll ever get this again, but he doesn't feel like he has the right to call this moment his own. Harry isn't his boy right now and he shouldn't act like he is just to feel better. He deserves every ounce of pain he feels in his burning heart and stabbing stomach, so he gently brings his hands and body away from Harry until he has silently gotten out of the bed.
      He feels out of breath even though he hasn't done anything, so he opts to go use the bathroom and brush his teeth while Harry peacefully rests. Louis resolves that peace is what Harry deserves right now.
      After using the bathroom and brushing his teeth until the foam washing away in the sink was tainted red, Louis found himself going to the balcony. He knows that he should be making Harry some breakfast like he did for Marcus or at least alerting Stan that the man he was taking a break from was here in his home, but he found himself stuck outside clutching onto the cold railing in the morning.
      His stomach is churning along with his heart burning, but he pushes those feelings away as he reaches for a cigarette and a lighter from where he usually keeps them on the balcony. It feels odd to have not seen the sunrise for today, like he hasn't had the proper start to his day. The sunrise could have been different today for all he knows, something poetically beautiful and so magnificent that he would have forgotten all of his troubles, but he seriously doubts that as he takes his first drag of the cigarette.
      Last night was the most that he's slept in a while, and he can't tell if he enjoyed it or not. Harry in his arms was nice but painful, a beautiful reminder of what wasn't really his. The sleep rested his brain but that only allowed for more insecurity to roll in somehow. All he wants to focus on now is how the smoke burns his throat and fills his lungs and fuzzes the sharpness to his thoughts. The boy that's supposed to be his home is just through the glass door, but he still feels so lost.
      His depressing thoughts are abruptly cut off by the sound of the glass door shifting open, not really surprising him since Stan wakes him up at this time some days.
      "I'm already awake, Stan, not passed out on the ground like I usually am," he says with a small smile that he usually finds himself wearing around Stan to reassure him.
      When he turns around, though, he sees that it's Harry who has joined him on the balcony and not Stan. His blood feels a bit colder now, turning away with a small "oh" emitting from his mouth in surprise. He thought Harry would at least have an hour or two more of sleep in him.
      "It's just me," Harry supplies to the silent morning air, sounding as if feels like he's letting Louis down. It causes his stomach to gain another shard and twist painfully. He takes a longer drag than usual without saying anything.
      "What are you doing up so early?" Louis asks, trying to seem nonchalant as he stares out at the horizon of the town with the idle cigarette in his hand. He hopes Harry can't hear the shake in his voice.
      "I could ask you the same," Harry replies, his voice gentle in the morning air. He doesn't sound accusatory or anything, just factual and quiet.
      "I asked first." His spare hand is wrapped around the railing so tightly that his knuckles are white again. He thinks of how Harry's knuckles are red and scabbed and wonders why as he feels his heart ache.
      "I felt you leave," Harry admits quietly to the air, still behind Louis thankfully. Thankfully because Louis is afraid that he would be able to see the tears building in his eyes as he stares at the morning sky. Louis feels his stomach twist and his heart ache as he tries to not dent the railing with his anxious grip.
      "I don't sleep that much anymore," Louis answers Harry's question from before, trying to make the conversation fair and equal for the both of them. Maybe being honest will help them this time. He tries to ignore the doubt raging in his head.
      "Care to share?" Harry asks, now beside him on the railing and his head motioning towards the cigarette in his hand. Louis doesn't know if Harry didn't hear his last admittance or if he was just ignoring it, and he isn't sure which one is better at this point. It pains Louis, but the last thing he wants to do is tell Harry how to live his life, so he passes him a cigarette and lights it for him.
      "Since when do you smoke?" Louis asks simply as if he hadn't woken up all those nights ago to see Harry smoking alone on the balcony. The tension in his chest is too much already, and the last thing he wants to do is add onto it by starting to accuse Harry of things that don't really matter right now.
      "Since when do you?" Harry counters once again, already getting under Louis' skin as he just tries to make conversation. He tries to remain patient and not lash out at Harry because he doesn't see that solving anything. So after another drag and a few breaths, he replies.
      "Ever since I saw you smoking on our balcony in the middle of the night." There's no accusation in his voice, but there is a hint of a challenge. He's too afraid to turn and look at Harry's face to gauge his reaction.
      "God, is it always going to be like this?" Harry quietly asks now, sounding more like he's talking to the air than Louis. He finally turns to him to see him staring straight down at the ground below them as he takes a drag of his cigarette.
      "Like what?" Louis asks just as quietly, afraid to break whatever somber mood that has settled over the both of them.
      "Like we're fucking strangers walking on eggshells around each other. Is it always going to be like that?" Harry asks suddenly, his voice raised and loud now. It makes Louis take a step back as he feels his insides churn painfully.
      "I-I'm-"
      "You're what, Louis?" Harry cuts him off, anger now in his voice as he turns to him. Apparently Louis pushed him to his tipping point somehow, and now he's facing the consequences of it. He feels his throat closing as he finds himself unsure of what to say.
      "I don't want to fight, Harry," Louis says as calmly as possible, all of the fire gone from him as he sadly looks at the other boy.
      "I know you don't. If we did everything your way, though, then I wouldn't even be here right now." Harry is fuming now, and Louis can feel his hands shaking against the cold rail of the balcony. He must have found his breaking point like Louis did during their phone call a while ago, and Louis can only let Harry go on as he convinces himself that he deserves this.
      "You always say that this relationship is just as much mine as it is yours, but yet you're the one calling all of the shots about whether we get to be together," Harry vents, tears now streaming down his face. Louis doesn't remember when they started, but he feels tears of his own building in his eyes too. "Am I just supposed to wait until you decide if you love me or not? Am I just supposed to be an after thought for you while you weigh out your options?"
      "You kn-ow it's not like that!" Louis finally counters, his voice only cracking a bit as a tear makes its way down his left cheek.
      "What is it like then? I'd love to know since, you know, I'm the other half of this relationship. You know, you'd think that being in a relationship with someone for seven years would maybe give you a say in what happens between you two, but nope. Nothing I could have said would have kept you from leaving-" Harry's voice cuts off, crying too much to be able to go on. Louis feels his heart breaking and he just wants to go hold him but knows that he can't.
      "Y-you know that I wanted to take a break for the better of the both of us. I know that I can't speak for you, but I needed a break!" Louis finally yells back, tears now fully streaming down his cheeks too. "Every day it just felt like my heart was breaking more and more with how we hardly talked or laughed or even smiled anymore with each other. And we just kept drifting away further and further after being together for so many years and I just felt like I was drowning and it felt like being around you was pushing me under even more instead of saving me because I-I didn't know you anymore!"
      Louis has forgotten the cigarette in his hand by now, stubbing it out in the makeshift ashtray. Harry's crying, he's crying, and he feels like he's going to explode because this is all his fault.
      "Louis, I love you! Does that count for anything anymore? Why didn't you ever talk to me? Why did you only push me away?" Harry asks, tears still falling down his face as he practically pleads to him. Louis finds his feet stuck in place as he looks back at Harry sadly.
      "Because you already seemed so far away! You didn't even seem to notice and that just tore me apart even more. I love you, I think I always will, but I can't pretend that I'm okay when just being around you makes me anxious," Louis admits, the fire dwindling from his voice. He's already cried so much and it's only the morning. He slept more than he has in a long time last night, but he already feels so tired.
      "Of course I noticed!" Harry admits back, exasperation in his voice. "I just thought it was a part of our relationship, one that we'd recover from once we were in a more comfortable financial space. I didn't- I didn't think that it'd come to this."
      He seems to be losing the fire in his voice too, the air falling silent between both of them as they just quietly wipe their eyes. Louis wants to apologize; he wants to hug Harry and say how he's sorry for every single thing he's put them through, but Harry speaks before he can get a regretful word out.
      "I have something to show you." He says it while looking at his hands but turns to Louis after, confusing him. What would Harry have to show him?
      "Follow me," he says simply before turning to the balcony door and going back inside. Louis follows him without question, knowing that they will be answered soon enough. If Harry has taught him anything, it's patience.
      Louis comes back inside to find Harry on his phone, scrolling concentratedly. He doesn't know whether to draw closer or to stay put, so he just walks up to the opposite side of the bed as quietly as possible. The room has been quiet for a while, and right as Louis is about to ask a question to fill the air, Harry beats him to it.
      "So, I know I haven't been answering your texts or phone calls recently. But, um, this is why. Please watch it all the way through before saying anything," Harry says with a wince on his face already, passing Louis his phone. Louis looks at him with a puzzled face, completely confused by the turn of the conversation. The last thing he was expecting was an explanation as to why Harry wasn't replying to him for the last week and a half.
      Once he sees that it's a video, though, he kind of understands. Harry puts his all into whatever he's making when it comes to filmography, and Louis supposes that he did that with the video he's about to watch. Glancing up at Harry just to see his nervous expression as he bit his lip, Louis takes a deep breath before sitting down on the bed and pressing play.
      The video starts out with a beautiful shot of a sunset with an empty chair in front of it on what it looks to be their balcony back at their apartment. After a few moments, Harry walks onto the screen and sits in the seat, looking tired and dressed casually as he sits pensively.
      "I used to wonder what love is... used to think that finding out who you loved and what it was was the greatest journey a person could take," he says while staring at his hands clasped in his lap instead of at the camera. He looks nervous and like he's going to cry, but he goes on. "This- this break has made me wonder what love is again after a long time of not wondering. It's given me a lot of questions that I used to think I knew. You being gone has given me a lot of time to think, and I know that's what you wanted me to do the most during this time. A lot of the questions I've had, I can't answer without you. But I... I think I finally understand what love is now, at least."
      The video cuts from Harry sitting in front of the sunset to an old clip of Louis while Harry's voice still overlays the video. The clip must be from when they first met and worked on a short film for their college class project, Louis figures by how young he looks and his atrocious haircut. In the clip, he's trying to climb up a tree before slipping and falling, laughter taking over his face as he rolled on the ground and the camera shook as if whoever was holding it was laughing too. A hand from the camera man's place points at the younger Louis laughing on the ground, which causes him to jump up and charge them. He grabbed the camera and switched it around to a young and rosy-cheeked Harry with deep dimples and laughter on his face as he hunches over.
      "Love is a lot of things. I've learned that all throughout my life, but no one has taught me as much about it than you have, Louis," Harry's voice says with a warmth behind it as the clip plays. "Ever since I met you, you've taught me that love is a spontaneous thing. That it's a thing that you can never really plan on, but it makes your cheeks swell with a smile and makes laughter pour from your mouth no matter how appropriate of a time it is to laugh." Louis feels himself tearing up at the video, but he forces himself to stay focused and not lose it since it wasn't done.
      The video cuts back to Harry sitting all alone in front of the sunset, still looking at his hands but now smiling a small bit. "The day I met you and was put in a group with you, you transformed love into a whole new thing that I had never really heard of. They talked about it in the movies, I guess, but it didn't feel as cheesy as love at first sight or anything like that. You made me feel real in a whole new way, I guess," Harry admits in the video with a sad smile.
      The video cuts again to a new clip of Louis at the local carnival that would come around yearly to the town their college was in. He's a bit older now, the old haircut gone for a slightly better one. This clip is made up of him skipping around the carnival grounds, screaming on the neon-lit rides, winning a crappy stuffed animal for Harry, and even him sharing cotton candy with Harry as well. His eyes are crinkled by his smile, and Harry's dimples are deep as ever when Louis grabs the camera every now and then to show Harry with the stuffed animal Louis won for him or him eating cotton candy. They both look so happy.
      "You taught me other things about love, though. You taught me how love could be the most fun thing," Harry's voice goes on as the clip of them at the carnival plays. "Instead of love being purely romantic and poetic like I had always imagined, you taught me that it was an experience to be enjoyed to the fullest. You taught me that it could be as fun and enjoyable as you made it."
      Once the carnival clip ends, it cuts back over to Harry on the balcony. The sky is only slightly a bit darker now as he smiles to himself. "I kind of thought the charm of whatever was going on between us would wear out or become awkward once we started going on dates, but you always proved me wrong somehow. Even though I didn't plan on it, you showed me how love could continuously remain new no matter how long it had existed between us." He looks up to the camera and smiles with watery eyes. Louis feels himself looking down with watery eyes too.
      Before he could ponder what he was feeling, the video cut to a young Louis who looks just out of college. He's in what's an empty version of their apartment now, and he slides around the empty space using his socks with laughter overtaking his features again. He slips to the floor after sliding for too long, but the person holding the camera slips trying to follow him too so it falls to the floor. After facing the ceiling for a few seconds, a young Louis picks up the camera laughing and turns it to a young Harry laughing on the floor in his socks too. The camera gets pushed into his blushing face and is pushed away as Harry and Louis play fight on the floor of their new apartment.
      "You taught me how love never got old," Harry's voice said as the clip played. "You taught me how it always shifted and changed its form for the new season, how it became something entirely new with every new journey with you. I used to think that love would be a routine, but you showed me that it didn't have to be if you had someone to change with."
      The video cuts back to Harry after the clip, Louis starting to be able to pick up the pattern. "After dating for two years in college, I started to wonder if being in the real world would ruin our relationship. But once we bought an apartment together and slid around it excitedly when we finally got ownership of it, you showed me how the real world was only an expansion to what we could do in our relationship."
      Louis sniffles, feeling the overwhelming urge to cry as he watches clips of his and Harry's past play with Harry's commentary, but he holds his tears back. His hands shake slightly as the video goes on.
      The video cuts to a new clip in the perspective of someone laying in bed. A young Louis appears on the screen again, a few years older from the fresh-out-of-college Louis in the last clip. He was smiling tiredly as he brought up a bowl of something steaming and made a silly face at the camera. It cut from that to him doing the laundry tiredly while watching the game on TV before spotting the camera again, swatting at it while laughing. The clip once again cut to a tired Louis staring at billing papers on the kitchen table, exhausted, until he turned his head towards the camera and smiled warmly as the person behind the camera handed him a steaming cup of coffee. The exhausted Louis grabbed the camera and turned it to where it captured him kissing Harry sweetly, both of them smiling into it. He left a final kiss on Harry's cheek before returning to his drink on the table.
      "One of the most important lessons you taught me is that love takes work no matter how much you love someone," Harry's voice says with a genuine tone to it. "Falling in love with someone is easy, but continuing to love someone through the hard times and the fights takes work. You taught me that love isn't always 50/50 and that's okay. Some days it's 40/60 and even 20/80 on the really hard days, but it's love nonetheless. You taught me that even though everything can't be perfect all of the time, there can still be love."
      The video goes back to Harry sitting alone on the balcony once the clips are over, the sunset starting to really dim behind him. His face was still visible, but not by a lot. "With all of those sick days we took care of each other, the tiring afternoons we'd do the laundry, and even the late and exhausting nights we'd pay our bills and do our taxes, you showed me how work was required to maintain love. With every thoughtful action and little sacrifice, you taught me how love took some work from both sides sometimes and how that was okay."
      Louis feels his heart tighten at his wording, reminding him now of how their love needs work from both sides. He wonders for a moment if he even knew all of the things he was teaching Harry through his actions before the video goes on again.
      The video goes now to an older Louis brushing his teeth in the morning. He's dancing despite the tiredness in his eyes and urges for Harry behind the camera to do the same, the camera shaking slightly as a result of Harry giving in and dancing with him. The clip then cuts to Harry and Louis in the back of a taxi, their feet tapping on each other in a playful manner until the camera pans up to a giggly and drunk Louis. He looks to be reenacting something dramatically until the clip cuts once again to Harry and Louis in their bed early in the morning. Louis is asleep in the video, but he's clutching onto Harry tightly in his sleep, and Harry showcases this in the video by trying to escape his hold just to be pulled back to Louis' chest laughing.
      "You also taught me that love isn't just one big thing," Harry's voice says over the clips, Louis being able to hear the smile in his voice. "You taught me how love can be found in the small things if you just look long enough. You showed me how love didn't have to be one big grand gesture or a huge sacrifice, but it could just be the little kindnesses shared throughout the day."
      The video goes back to Harry sitting alone on the balcony, looking off somewhere that Louis can't really tell where. "In the little morning dance parties we'd have, playing footsie and being weirdos when we're drunk together, and even just holding me close in your sleep, you opened my eyes to how love could be in every small thing. You made me realize how love was a continuous action that could be found in seemingly minuscule things if I just took the time to appreciate them."
      Once again, the video cuts from Harry on the balcony to a Louis from not too long ago sitting on their living room floor. He was playing some random game him and Harry had made up, and it kept cutting from different games they played on the same night, both of them laughing at different parts. It was the night they tried to see if sunsets or sunrises were better, Louis remembers. The video then cuts to them messing around and building their pillow fort on the balcony, and the clip ends with them sleepily smiling at the camera within their duly built pillow fort.
      "Finally, you've taught me that love is finding a place to call home," Harry's voice chokes out as the clip plays, causing Louis to choke up as well while watching it. "With every challenging day and every little thing thrown at us, you showed me how having a place to call home was the most important thing to a person. Having each other to call home and getting it tattooed onto each other, it all taught me how no matter how lost I am, you'll always be my home, Louis. You're the most important thing to me."
      Louis is freely crying with tears streaming down his face as the video cuts to Harry once again, the sunset almost completely gone now. He can't see his face anymore, but he figures that he's wearing a watery smile as he goes on.
      "We've been each other's homes for about seven years now, and being apart from you for over a week has only shown me without a doubt that you're my home, and you always will be, Lou." His voice sounds choked up again, and Louis tries to stop his sniffling to listen. "Ever since that night we stayed up to see the sunset and the sunrise, you've always been my sunset. You've always been the perfect end to my day no matter how hard it's been, and I want you to be that for me forever. If this break has taught me anything, it's that."
      "So I guess you've taught me something else about love through this break, too," Harry continues even though it's pretty much dark in the background now. "You've taught me how there are imprints to love. You can't just look away from it and ignore it like it's never happened because that's just not possible. That love is there, and with a love as big as you've taught to me throughout the years, Lou, it'll last forever. I hope I've taught you the same things about love." Harry gets up then in the video, and his dark figure walks up to the camera and then the video is over.
      The room is silent as Louis feels tears flow down his face once again, everything taking a moment to sink in.
      "Ha-rry," his voice cracks as he finally stands up and crashes into his arms like he did with Liam the other night but more earnestly. He starts fully crying once he's in his arms, and he feels Harry do the same as he grapples onto him as well.
      "I love you," is all Louis said as they cried and held each other, and Harry repeated it back to him. They continued to cry, but Louis couldn't stop the resounding "I love you I love you I love I love you" beating from his heart and spreading throughout his body till he was warm with his love for Harry.