Bag of Bones (Larry Stylinson)

14

Just a, just a little bit more
Let's shake this poet out of the beast

Holding Harry in his arms has always just felt right. It's one of the first things that made Louis aware of how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. Having Harry in his arms feels like it's where he belongs; it feels like home.
It feels like home right now as they cry into each other's shoulders, but that's the problem. It took him this break to realize that no one else and nowhere else can be his home except Harry, but there is a sense that it's not enough. Not enough because he still feels one particularly large shard digging into his stomach.
The shard of sleeping with another man during their break.
      With that digging into his insides, the hug and the final sense of home feels bittersweet to Louis. He knows he has to tell Harry, but knowing that just makes his jaw ache as he cries harder. It was such a stupid mistake, one that Louis will regret until he dies, but Harry has to know if they're ever going to repair their relationship.
They cry for a while longer while Louis sorts through his thoughts and tries to think of what to say, both of them rubbing each other's backs when the other cries particularly hard. Even though they're both crying, Louis kind of wants to stay here forever.
The crying softens to sniffling soon enough, though, and Louis finds himself finally breaking the silence when his breath has eventually evened out. "So you spent the whole break making that?" he asks gently as he refers to the video Harry made for him, still not letting go of him yet.
"Yeah," Harry replies softly, Louis being able to feel his breath on his ear. "You- you know how obsessive I can be, and I guess I just fixated all of my emotions into that. I know it's cheesy but-"
"It's- It wasn't cheesy. It was perfect," Louis cuts him off, knowing how insecure Harry becomes over his creations when he doesn't immediately get positive feedback. It was a cute trait Louis found out about him early on, and he's made sure to always reassure Harry once he found out. "You know, I still think you should become a director someday. You're amazing."
Louis hears Harry chuckle in his ear, probably not sure what to do with all of the flattery. They finally pull away from their hug as Harry mutters a joking "yeah right" in response.
Harry's eyes are red, his cheeks are puffy, and he has a worn-out smile adorned on his face. It makes Louis smile back at him despite the pit in his gut. He has to tell him sooner or later, and sooner would be much better than later no matter how much Louis' brain tries to reason that it's not so he can get out of it.
Harry's eyes. which were once on him, fixate on something behind him with a confused look, causing Louis to look back confused as well. "What's with the sheets in the corner?" he asks with curiosity saturating his voice.
Now he couldn't avoid telling Harry about it if he wanted, even though he didn't truly want to avoid it. If he wants to genuinely go on with this relationship, if he wants to someday marry the wonderful man in front of him, they have to be completely honest with each other, especially with something as important as what Louis knows.
"Harry, I..." his voice trails off, trying too hard to think of the right thing to say. Harry's eyes focus back on him as his eyebrows furrow even though he still has a small smile on his face. Louis doesn't feel like he deserves to be looked at so kindly by the most beautiful man he's ever seen, sleep deprived, puffy eyed, and all.
"You what?" Harry inquires, his hands finding Louis' and connecting the gap between them. It makes Louis smile sadly and takes him out of his confused and crashing thoughts.
"I- I have something that I need to tell you," he says, looking up to Harry's gaze and giving him what he guesses to be an intense expression. It alerts Harry that their conversation is about to take a serious turn, and his smile falls off of his face as it forms a firm line. He nods to let Louis know to go on.
Louis takes a deep breath and breaks their eye contact to try to get his thoughts together. "You know, slowly falling out of love with you was the most painful thing that I've ever gone through, I think. Just the continuous cycle of seeing us grow further and further from one another every day in the small things, and I felt like I couldn't do anything about it. I- I'm not sure if you felt the same way or similar, but every day I felt like I was ripping apart, and I didn't even know the person who was supposed to put me back together."
Louis' breath shakes, not sure where this is going. He doesn't want to look up to Harry because he's sure he has a heartbreakingly sad look on his face. Harry squeezes his hand in Louis' silence as a quiet reassurance, and it almost makes him cry. He decides to go on no matter how painful it is.
"I don't think I've ever felt more lost than then. You- you're such a big part of me and who I am that when I finally left that morning, I felt like I was leaving a piece of me. I wasn't sure who I was anymore, I wasn't sure who you were anymore, and I wasn't sure who was for me anymore. And under all of that unsureness, I made some of the worst decisions in my life." Louis feels his breathing pick up as Harry squeezes his hand now, not out of reassurance but most likely because of tension.
Louis gingerly looks up to his eyes to see a saddened and confused look on Harry's face. His chest feels tight like a coil and like he can't breathe properly. He almost feels a panic attack coming on, but he keeps his eyes trained on Harry's. He takes a big breath before finally talking again.
"Harry, before we continue this relationship, before we move on from this break, you need to know everything that I did in this break. I want you to know so-"
"What did you do, Louis?" Harry finally cuts him off, his tight grip indicating that he senses this build up is for something big. Louis swallows and squeezes back, just once, to hopefully reassure him.
"I..." his voice trails off again, but he forces himself to keep looking in Harry's eyes. He deserves a genuine confession. "I slept with someone else during our break."
Now that it's out in the air, Louis feels like he's about to cry as Harry blankly looks at him, no emotion being able to be detected from his face. He blinks, looking at Louis expressionless.
"What." He says it more as a statement than a question, causing Louis to keep his mouth shut. He's not sure if he could even possibly say a word right now with his throat is closing and his chest being so tight.
"What?" Harry asks now, though Louis assumes it's rhetorical. Harry lets go of Louis' hands, and Louis tries not to feel his heart ache at that.
"You..." Harry takes a step back, shaking his head to himself before looking at Louis confusedly again. "You slept with someone else? How? When?"
"I- I didn't mean to. I just- I wasn't sure about-"
"You didn't mean to?" Harry cuts him off, asking the question loudly and incredulously. "What the hell do you even mean by that?"
"That's- that's not what I meant. I meant that we took a break to see other people and to see if we were sure we were for each other-"
"No, you took a break to see other people!" Harry cuts off Louis' stammering once again, his voice rising as he starts to pace. "I just waited around for your like some sad dog! I- I didn't sleep with anyone to see if you were the one for me."
"I didn't mean for the break to be like that!" Louis exclaims, his breath feeling short and his chest tightening beyond belief as tears build in his eyes. "I was just so confused and lost and I just needed someone other than you to clear my thoughts but no one was picking up and-"
"So you decided to fuck the nearest person possible? Are you kidding me?" Harry interjects, seething and running his hands through his hair.
"That's not what it was like at all! We agreed on possibly seeing other people to see if we were meant for each other and after doing that, it made me realize that there is no one else for me than you!" Louis pleads, tears streaming down his face now.
      Harry's crying too now, though Louis isn't sure when he started to. He's stopped pacing now and is stuck still in one place, his eyes projected down at the ground while his hair stays in his hands.
      "The difference is, Louis, that I didn't need to sleep with someone else to figure out that you were the one for me. I always knew, and I just waited for you, hell, I even made a whole video for you, while you sorted it out with someone else on whether you wanted me or not!" Harry's voice is cold now, making Louis feel small in their fight. Louis regrets everything he's ever done, from taking a break from Harry to calling Marcus that night.
      "That's- that's not fair at all! It's not like I would have ever slept with him if I knew who you were anymore!" Louis defends, wanting to take it back the second it's out of his mouth. The last thing he needs to do is blame Harry for sleeping with Marcus.
      "So it's my fault?" Harry is crying now, and he aggressively wipes his eyes as he walks up to Louis. "I wasn't good enough for you so you what? Cheat on me?"
      "I didn't cheat on you! I never would; we weren't together when I did it," Louis counters, his mind racing and not sure how to keep up with this argument.
      "And that makes it so much better? What the hell, Louis? I- I thought I knew you. I thought I loved you as much as you loved me, but I was wrong this whole time," Harry says dejectedly now. It almost sounds like he's given up at this point, but Louis doesn't want that. He doesn't want him to give up on him.
      "I do love you, Harry! More than anyone else in this entire world! I can't- I can't live without you. If this break has taught me anything, it's that," Louis admits earnestly. Harry still won't meet his gaze. He tries not to act like the world is crumbling around him.
      "I love you more than anything else in this world too, Louis, but maybe that's a problem. I think you're going to have to figure out how to live without me because no matter how much I love you, it can't fix something like this that easily." Harry's hands are crossed across his chest now, and he meets Louis' gaze with a sad look.
      "Please Harry," Louis pleads, his heart aching and his insides twisting with shards, "don't leave me. Don't do this. We can solve this."
      "You sound a lot like me back when you suggested taking a break," Harry says, a bitter smile on his face. "But like you back then, I can't do this anymore. I can't be with you, Louis."
      The second he says that, Louis knows that he means it. He knows that there is no arguing with him at this point, so he tries to ignore the aching and tearing inside of him as he stands up straight to look Harry in the eye. He's not sure when he'll see him again, so he makes sure to tell him the one thing he wants him to know as he feels his heart finally rip and the shards finally bury in his gut.
      "I love you."
      "I- I do too," Harry replies with his eyes downcast, anguish and confusion written across his features. "I've got to go now, though. I'll text you later about what we're going to do with the apartment." He concludes the fight quickly before he defeatedly looks at Louis one last time, walking out of the room after. Louis hears the front door close soon after, its firm shut echoing throughout the apartment, signaling the last moment of Louis' composure. After that, he feels his body finally rack with sobs as he falls into the bed achingly.
This was all his fault. If he didn't demand a break, if he didn't go out that night, if he didn't keep Marcus' number, if he didn't actually call him, then Harry could still be in his arms right now. His heart wouldn't be in pieces and his chest wouldn't be aching as he sobs into his pillow if he didn't cause any of this. He knows that he deserves this, though, since he can't even imagine the pain that Harry might be in.
Throughout most of their break, Harry dedicated his time to making a movie for Louis to talk about how much he loved him, and during that time, Louis slept with another man. He succumbed to being an awful person for no good reason and now he's feeling the consequences from it.
Harry is his home, but because of his own shortcomings, he might never get to experience that ever again. Glancing at all of his matching tattoos with Harry, it sinks in to Louis how majorly he messed up and his sobs grow louder.
He can't think to do anything other than cry right now, his ripped-open heart just pouring out so much pain that racks through his body. He never knew heartbreak could cause so much physical pain, but then again, he's never really experienced heartbreak like this before.
Because Harry is the only one for him. He knows now that no one else will ever compare in that way. Louis doesn't really believe in soulmates, but if anyone was his, it's Harry. So now all he knows to do is sob as he feels the aching absence of the one meant for him.
During the break, that absence only burned a bit since there was always an option to go back, but now, Louis feels as if his chest is on fire since Harry may never want to see him again. Louis questions why he's so dumb as he cries on.
He cries for an indeterminate amount of time, only knowing that it was long. Either Stan was still asleep, or he went to go wake Louis up but heard his sobbing from behind the door. Either way, Louis's glad that he hasn't had to interact with him yet. All he wants to do right now is just cry until he can't anymore.
After a while, though, Louis finds his eyes wandering to the sheets in the corner. Just the sight of them cause him physical pain, and he knows that he needs to get rid of them some way. Remembering the small fireplace on the balcony, Louis suddenly jumps up from the bed with tears still streaming down his face.
He needs to get rid of these sheets that represent the worst decision of his life once and for all. Even if it won't help anything, Louis just needs to burn and destroy something right now, and there is nothing else he'd rather burn than the cursed sheets.
Gathering them in his hands while trying to touch them as little as possible, Louis mindlessly walks out to the balcony and throws them into the fireplace.
There is some gasoline out there, most likely for whenever Stan actually does use the fireplace and needs something to help get a fire going. Louis picks it up and douses the sheets with it.
Without thinking, Louis brings out his lighter for his cigarettes and lights the sheets on fire without stepping back or another thought. He slightly burns his right hand from lighting it, the fire coming alive quickly and jumping out at his hand before he reacts to bring it away. For some reason, the pain he registers is minimal compared to the aching in his heart.
Louis stands there for a long time just watching the sheets burn, and he even waits until they are reduced to embers. Lighting the sheets on fire felt exhilarating, and the adrenaline even blacked out the pain in his slightly burned hand and the pain pulsating throughout his body.
Soon enough, though, the exhilaration dies off and makes way for the aching again, causing Louis to hollowly stare at the fire a bit too closely. He meant what he said to Harry: he wasn't sure how to live without him.
Maybe he does need to learn how to live without him, though. Before Louis allows himself to accept that, he storms inside to his moving box. There are only a few items inside, his thoughts journal and the shirts he stole from Harry.
Grabbing both, he goes back to the balcony in the middle of the day in broad daylight and sits on the floor. He needs to learn to live without Harry, but he's not quite sure what that process looks like yet. He brings Harry's shirt up to his nose to smell it, but he finds that after all of this time of clinging onto it into the mornings, Harry's scent is completely gone now, too.