A Clouded Day

Pain

Erin woke up to the pungent smell of hospital disinfect invading her nostrils. The room was silent apart from her heavy breathing and the beeping sounds often heard in hospitals that indicate that she's still alive. She removed the oxygen mask that was making her feel uncomfortable. For a moment all she could feel was the pain again, she had a terrible headache and still a throbbing pain in her back, but it wasn't as bad as before. She thought that she was still in Chicago, and that she'd injured herself in the line of duty while working with the others from district 21, her family. The room was empty except for her, and she was wondering why they weren't there. Surely Jay and Hank went to grab a coffee or to get a change of clothes. She smiled at the thought of the two. Hank always tried to hide his emotions, but when something was wrong with her he always let his mask slip. Jay was probably worried sick, as he always is when she wasn't around to prove him wrong. Erin chuckled at the thought of it, although that was something that irritated her about him. After all, she could handle herself quite well and he should've known by now.

Erin looked around in her room just as Sarah Williams entered and ruined that illusion. Reality hit Erin like a brick in the face when the beautiful blonde woman walked into the room. Erin wasn't in Chicago, she was in New York, away from everyone she loved. She hadn't talked to them in over a year, she just hadn't brought herself to do it. It had been countless times that Erin had sat on her bed, her finger hovering just inches above the call button of her phone, Jay Halstead's or Hank Voight's number typed in. In the first days after leaving them, she'd been too nervous to call them. The weeks that followed she'd been too caught up in her own emotions, later it was work that got in the way. It was always a different excuse not to call them, and in the end, she told herself that it was just too late now. She would never be able to turn back time, to undo what had been done. It was over, she knew that, she'd never be able to talk to them again.

"Erin? You're awake!" Sarah said excitedly. Erin groaned at her collegue's constant overly positive mood, but in a way she also appreciated it. On some days it would be the only positive thing she saw. "I am awake. Although with a throbbing headache, so please. Shhh" Sarah's eyes widened in shock and she covered her mouth with her hands. "I'm so sorry, it won't happen again. How are you feeling, dear?" Sarah asked. "Like shit, to be honest." Erin replied. Sarah turned around and stuck her head out the door. "Doctor! She's awake!" Erin sighed at the volume of her voice, but didn't say anything because a doctor entered the room. He walked over to Erin's bed and shook her hand. "Agent Lindsay, I'm Doctor Smith. I've been taking care of you since the day you got here" Erin's eyes widened in surprise. "How long have I been here? And what happened anyway?" Doctor Smith smiled at her. "Well, you were brought in exactly a week ago, so seven days. You were shot in the upper back. Apart from some internal bleedings the bullet damaged two ribs and damaged your right lung, which caused it to collapse. We were able to remove to bullet and patch up your lung as well as possible, but it'll take time to heal. While you fell you also caught a concussion, which was the cause of your loss of consciousness. Luckily you didn't injure your skull and there were no bleedings in your brain, so with enough rest you should be fine." Erin nodded, but then immediately made a face. The doctor sighed and said "Having a headache and sensitiveness to light and noise is completely normal, but that will go away in the next couple of days. Also, your weariness will fade, it's caused from the coma and the medications we have you on." Sarah smiled at Erin and said "I'm so glad that you're going to be okay. Believe me, you had me worried there." Doctor Smith smiled at the both of them and then said "Agent Williams, would you be so kind and give her some privacy, I need to discuss something with my patient." Sarah's head shot up and she gave Erin a suspicious look. She walked out with the words "You're going to be fine, honey."

Another doctor entered the room and closed the door behind himself. His coat was another colour than Doctor Smith's, so he couldn't be working in the ED. He was middle-aged, probably around fifty, and had a bald head. Is eyes were surrounded by wrinkled, but not the ugly kind, they more appeared to exist because he smiled so often. "I'm Doctor Doyle, nice to meet you." Erin shook his hand that he had held out and said "You're a shrink, aren't you?" Doctor Doyle laughed and said "You could call me that, yes." Erin internally slapped herself for her impoliteness and looked at the floor. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. I'm just a bit... on edge, if you could call it that. So anyways, what's it you're here for?" Erin asked, brushing away the little pearls of sweat that had formed on her forehead. She knew exactly what was going to come, and she already dreaded every second of it. Doctor Smith sighed and said "Agent Lindsay, while taking you in, we noticed certain abnormalities concerning benzoylecgonine and ecgonine methyl ester in your blood, so short, you tested positive for cocaine. It was quite a considerable amount and caused difficulties and complications with other medicines we wanted to give you. Because of this we aren't able to give you stronger pain medications, which is why you're in more pain than usual after the procedure you went through. In addition, while you were in the coma, we had to administer you small dosages of said substance in order for you to not go through withdrawal, which could have been fatal in the state you were in. But now, since cocaine is an illegal narcotic and you are not in a life-threatening situation anymore, we are not allowed to supply you any further, so you're going to have to discontinue the usage. Now, Doctor Doyle is here to support you through this both mentally and physically challenging time, if you wish so. I know this is a lot to take in, so take your time with any questions you might have." Erin closed her eyes and sighed. Her throbbing headache suddenly felt worse. She felt her hands shaking. "How can you do this to me? It's been the only thing that has kept me sane for all this time. How can you take this away from me?" she whispered in disbelief. Feeling so overwhelmed with the situation, a whisper was all she brought out. After a second of silence she assumed that the doctors hadn't heard her, so she told herself to keep it together and not make a fool of herself. As she opened her eyes again, she said "Yes, I do have questions. First off, will this information be kept confidentially?" Doctor Doyle nodded reassuringly. "It is. We are by law obligated to remain silent about this matter. Although I must say that in this matter you are very lucky you didn't defend yourself against the offender, because if you would have caused him any harm, righteously or not, we'd have had to report this to the authorities." Erin nodded and seemed to relax a bit after this reassurance. "That's good." She paused for a second and then looked at Doctor Doyle. "Is it possible for me to talk to you about something else, while you're already here?" Erin, a bit nervous again, lowered her eyes and fiddled with the blanket. He, on the other hand, smiled at her. "Of course, Agent Lindsay, I'm here." He looked at Doctor Smith and said "Would you mind? It might be better for her to have some privacy on this one." Doctor Smith said goodbye and left the room. Erin continued to fiddle with the blanket. "I think I'm finally at the point where I can seek for help. You know, over the years I've bottled up many emotions, and that's the reason I started taking cocaine in the first place." She paused, hesitant to tell everything she'd kept a secret from everyone for so long to a person she just met. Even the thought of opening up scared her, and she was certain that she couldn't pull it off. All she wished was for him to leave her alone, but instead doctor Doyle took a seat next to her bed. "Go on, you don't have to be scared. I'm here for you, whatever it is. If it makes it easier for you, we could try to only talk about emotions and feelings today, and save the rest for another time." Erin nodded. "I know that I should talk to you, it's just... do you know that feeling when you're standing on top of a diving platform and you know you've got nothing to be scared of, and yet you still can't get yourself to jump?" The doctor chuckled. "Yes, I know that feeling very well." "Okay. Now that's kind of how I feel when I'm supposed to open up about my emotions and thoughts. I'm just a really private person, so I'm not really used to that concept." Erin took a deep breath as she noticed it happening again. She tried to pull herself together, because she didn't want anybody to see her the way she truly was. Weak. Broken. Still the same as the small girl she was all those years ago that couldn't get anything done without support. She felt absolutely pathetic. This marked another day she just wished to forget. Erin chose to ignore her trembling hands, instead she just hid them under the blanket. There it was again, this cold, tight claw, clasping around her torso and preventing her from breathing. Panic rose in her as she felt like she was suffocating. She wanted to scream at him to get out, but she knew that this would mean that she would have to stay even longer in this terrible place where she couldn't even get her only comforter. She tried to put on a brave face, like she always did, but the monitor at her bedside betrayed her. The beeping sound got faster and louder, so obnoxiously loud that it overtook all of her senses. The sound drove her crazy and she started ripping out the needles in her arm. She got up and tried to run, without a real goal, but she just wanted to get away from all these people and this sound. She didn't hear the doctors and nurses that rushed into the room and tried to calm her down, and she certainly didn't notice Sarah, standing in the doorway, looking absolutely terrified. All she heard was the constant beeping that penetrated her every nerve and seemed to get louder and faster every second. She couldn't describe how badly she wanted to jam a needle into her arm, to snort or swallow something, to do anything that would stop this. But she couldn't. Not in that place, not with those people around her. With that horror building up around her, all she could do was shout out for him. A desperate call for help. A cry that made the blood freeze in your veins, so full of terror and agony. "Jay!" The name Jay. It was all the people in the room could get out of the absolutely terrified and broken woman that seemingly was going crazy. She screamed his name in the horror that she felt, she wanted him to come and be there for her, to calm her down. She trusted him, even after all this time, but now, when she needed him the most, he wasn't here. And even that was her fault. Jay. It was all Erin could remember before she felt something stab her arm, and then came absolute darkness.

Jay. His name still rang in her ears when she slowly regained consciousness. She noticed that her wrists were restricted by two small restraints, as were her ankles. Great. She sighed, asking herself what she had done. Then the memory slowly came flooding back. She recalled having another panic attack, and she concluded that this probably scared the doctors that she would hurt herself or others.

As if called, the door swung open and Doctor Doyle entered the room. He closed the door behind himself and proceeded to take a seat at her bedside. "You're awake, that's good. How are you feeling?" Erin frowned and answered "Terrible, to be honest. My back hurts even more than before. What happened?" The doctor sighed and said "You had a panic attack, a quite severe one. During that episode you tore open your wound and we had to sedate you in order to properly patch it up again. Under those circumstances I'm sure you'll agree to undergo a psychological exam? We could have daily sessions, if you wish so," Tears started to well up in Erin's eyes. She didn't want to be here, and she certainly didn't want to be the wreck that she was. She sniffled and asked "I'm going crazy, aren't I? The attacks, they have never been as bad as this one. I was always able to manage them, but now... Back there I didn't know what to do, it felt like I was trapped. I'm sorry I caused all of you so much trouble while you were trying to take care of me, I never meant for that to happen." Doctor Doyle shook his head and reassuringly patted her shoulder. "I understand that you're feeling this way, but trust me, it's not your fault. None of us blame you for it. And no, you're not going crazy. In fact, in your situation, I'm amazed that you haven't developed serious psychosis at some point. What you are experiencing are panic attacks, probably linked to a high-functioning depression. I'm sure the withdrawal you're starting to go through also has to do with the severity and the extent of this attack. From this point on I suggest you do psychotherapy. This way I'm confident we can get ahead of this and get you back on your feet as fast as possible." Erin nodded, and then let her head hang in defeat. She finally understood that there was no way she was going to beat this on her own, but it still bothered her. Not that it would have been the first time that she hadn't been able to tackle an issue by herself, but she still wanted to be independent. To know that she couldn't even take care of herself properly made her feel upset, it felt like the only thing she'd had left since leaving Chicago had been her own strength, and now that seemed to have vanished too. Back when Erin was still a child up to the age of fifteen, she'd always been the only person looking out for herself, and that was why it felt natural to her to keep her vulnerable side to herself only. Even at the time when she'd had a wonderful family to count on, she'd always struggled to let anybody help her. Now that the person helping her was a complete stranger it was even harder to open up, but she pushed herself to do said thing. Erin was determined to finally get over another horrible phase in her life, and that meant she had to get better, she had to heal.