Rings (Bucky Barnes x OC soulmate AU)

Chapter 9 - Nightmare

Clara's eyes snapped open the second she heard a zipper in their tent. Though the dim light of a nearby lantern she watched Bucky bend over and step over the entranced night , leaving to breathe in the night air. At first she wasn't concerned. She turned over in her sleeping bag and tried to drift back to sleep, but something nagged at her brain, telling her to go after him.

She slid out of her sleeping bag, ignoring the cold air that now nipped at her exposed arms and legs. For a second she considered changing into the leggings she had been wearing instead of going outside in a tshirt and running shorts, but a the panic she felt urged her on.

She found Bucky sitting in his camping chairs. The dim light of a fire coming back to life illuminated his body with an orange light. He was hunched over and holding his head in his hands. As she moved closer she heard him muttering to himself in a language Clara didn't understand.

Without realizing it Clara stretched out her hand with the intention of comforting him, but the instant her fingers brushed his clothed back Bucky grabbed her with his metal arm, flipped her over onto ground, and leapt to pin her down. Terrifying eyes full of rage stared down at Clara for a few seconds. She regained her breath and ignored the pain in her head as she said his name, over and over again. "Bucky! Buck - James! It's just me! It's Clara!"

She wiggled under his weight (Who knew he would he so heavy?), trying to escape, when Bucky came back to his senses. With a ragged breath he got off of Clara and let her go. Clara slowly sat up while Bucky stalked across the fire and paced back and forth. Occasionally he would stop and look at her, but only for a brief second, then continued to pace.

Clara watched, trying to control her breathing after having the wind knocked out of her. This was a Bucky she had never seen before. She didn't know what to do. This Bucky - movements stiff and wild - scared her. Maybe the person she was watching wasn't even her Bucky. Maybe this was the person he so desperately tried to bury.

Finally he stopped pacing and returned, slowly, to his camping chair. Once he was seated, Clara took another chance to touch him.

"You okay?" Clara asked softly, hands reaching up to his shaking shoulders. Her fingers just barely touched his skin when he flinched away violently.

"Don't - don't touch me," he muttered. "I need a minute."

"Okay."

The fire Bucky started was larger now, so she scooted forward to be closer to its heat and so Bucky could see her.

Drawing her knees to her chest, she contemplated on what she could possibly say to him. There wasn't a lot she could say, because even though she also had nightmares often, she hadn't been through everything he had. The pain she experienced was likely just a tiny fraction, a sliver, of the psychological and physical torment he'd been through for almost 70 years. Still... she had nightmares that terrified her all the same.

When Clara finally decided to speak, her voice was soft. "I get them too, you know." She nodded her head, though Bucky wouldn't see her actions. "Nightmares." Clara let her legs go and let her feet slide to stick out straight in front of her. "You asked me about my jar of stars in my kitchen. It's a gratitude jar, but I didn't tell you why I have it or - or why I'm seeing a therapist." Inhaling deeply, she prepared to tell her story. "I killed six agents." Bucky sharply turned his head to look at Clara. "Not - not on purpose. Of course not. My job is to plan the missions y'all go on. Well, one day, I... messed up. Really bad. I didn't take it seriously because I was cocky, and - and it was supposed to be really easy." Memories and flashes of emotions flashed through her mind - the screams of agents dying and the look on the surviving agent's face when he found out his teammates were dead. "For months I... I relived that event. I heard their voices, their cries for help through my head set - and suddenly they were gone." Her fingers snapped quietly. "Just like that." She stood, intending to walk back to the tent. "I'm not trying to compare what happened to us. Just know that... I guess I - well... I understand, to some degree. And if you ever need any help, you know where I am and how to reach me."

When she turned, fingers shot out to grab her wrist, warmth immediately sinking into her cold skin. Bucky didn't make another move or say a word but he didn't let go. Clara moved to stand between his legs and he rested his head against her stomach. One of her hands held his while the other switched between running through his long hair and gently rubbing his back. This was the closest they'd been since they met.

Bucky began to speak, his voice tight and uncontrolled. His voice broke Clara's heart as he began to describe his dream - no, nightmare. In telling her about his dream he was also telling her some of the things he'd done. Clara didn't run away screaming as he half expected.

"Do you have nightmares like this every night?" Clara asked when he was finished.

Bucky's head shifted against Clara's stomach as he shook his head. "I used to. They come and go." He liked having her nearby. Usually he had to deal with his nightmares on his own and it took him the rest of the night to recover. Clara and her soothing touch brought him back to reality, calming his mind. For a brief moment he wondered how he got so lucky to have her assigned to him. "I never wanted you to see me like this."

"If you're going through this, it means you're a plenty rugged guy." She bit her lip to try and stop herself from laughing when she used a phrase that Bucky would be familiar with. "What? Did I use that wrong?" she asked when Bucky's shoulders started to shake with laughter.

"It just sounds different coming from you." He pulled away from Clara to look up into her eyes. Through another short bout of laughter he said, "You're something else, doll. Something else."

---

Late in the afternoon, it was time to go home and Bucky decided he wanted to give driving a try on the way home. That was fine by the others, who had worn themselves out after another day of swimming.

Clara sat in the front passenger seat, playing DJ by trying to find the songs Bucky requested while their friends slept in the back seats. She leaned against the center console, phone in her right hand. "Before we go on our date," Clara began, "I need to show you something at the Captain America exhibit."

"Why?"

"That's a secret. Just... there's something you need to see." She tapped on a song that was kind of catchy and glanced up at Bucky to see his angel smile spread across his lips.

While she scrolled, Bucky found his thoughts wandering back to her hand resting on the center console. He wanted to reach over and hold her hand. Would it be too much if he wanted to? When the road eased into straighter roads, making it easier to steer with one hand, he moved his arm to rest right next to his. He cursed himself for being so awkward. Why couldn't he be smooth like he used to be?

What if she didn't want to hold his hand? Should he ask if it was okay? If she said no, it wouldn't matter if he just went for it or asked because the outcome would remain the same. She would know he liked her and reject him. What if she accepted, though? He'd never held her hand like that before and he wanted to know what it felt like.

The possible positive outcome vastly outweighed the risks, in his mind, so he said her name to get her attention.

"Yeah?" Clara turned her head to look at him instead of her phone.

Bucky turned his palm with outreaching fingers. "Can we...?

"You want to hold my hand?" Clara asked.

"Yes."

With a wide smile, Clara put her hand in Bucky's and clasped it tightly. "You're cute," she said.

Before he could stop himself or second guess himself, Bucky said, "If you're pretty and I'm cute, then together we'd be pretty cute."

"Smooth, Barnes. So smooth."

Bucky laughed, feeling victorious.

Soulmates or not, Bucky was falling hard and fast. He would soon learn that Clara felt the same.