What Happens Next

IV. What Happened?

"The nightmares started getting really bad," Reid began, tearing open his second roll. He pulled out the warm, soft bread that burned his fingers slightly as he scraped it from the perfectly baked crust. 

"I think I'm going to give you two some privacy," Krystall decided, standing up, and placing a compassionate hand on Reid's shoulder for the second time that day. She walked around the table and kissed Rossi quickly before heading upstairs to leave the two to talk.

"Nothing was helping. I wasn't sleeping at all, and I was terrified all the time. I had two beautiful kids, and I couldn't appreciate them because I was so tired. I was so tired Rossi, I needed to sleep," the man dropped his roll, and pressed the heel of his hand into his eye again.

Rossi waited patiently, allowing the boy all the time he needed to compose himself. 

"At some point I remembered Tobias Hankel, and I remembered how long I would sleep after he- after he forced me to take the- after he drugged me. I remembered how it could make it all go away. I fought the urges Rossi, I did. I told my therapist, and I told my wife and I even reached out to JJ but it wasn't enough. I waited until the buzz died down, and I started taking it at night, just to sleep. All I wanted was to sleep. 

It was amazing. I was finally dreaming, and I didn't wake up screaming. I started to feel like I was there for my kids again, and I started to miss my therapy appointments. I was telling everyone I wanted to spend more time with my kids, which was true, and that I was doing way better, which wasn't. I kept up for almost two months like that, only at night, past eleven o' clock at the earliest. Maeve was just starting to walk, and Jason was talking and roughhousing and it was amazing but it was so hectic and I started to feel like I needed to get away. I wasn't working at the BAU, obviously, but I was bringing the kids by her dads house anyway because I was teaching, but class was always two or three hours longer than it actually was because I was 'required to hold more office hours due to the rigor of my course.

I started shooting up during the day; and, I had convinced myself not only that I needed it, but that I deserved it, because I was working so hard to make my kids' lives perfect.  I was throwing myself into my teaching, too, which only made it harder, and made me feel more deserving." Tears began to roll down his cheeks, but he continued to tell his story.

"Max started to notice that I was acting weird. She said I seemed tired, so I told her I wasn't sleeping well again. She believed me. When she found out she was pregnant with Amelia, she was ecstatic. She asked me out to dinner after my lecture, and of course I was happy to go, but I didn't have time to take anything all day, and the cravings were getting pretty intense. I was short with her, and she chalked it up to me being grumpy from lack of sleep, and she told me to get used to it. 

She pulled out a photo of a framed photo of ultrasound she had gotten on a day I had to 'tutor a struggling student,' said she wanted to tell me then, but that she knew how important my students were to me. She was four, almost five months pregnant, and I hadn't noticed at all. She was showing and I hadn't looked at her, or touched her, enough to notice she was growing my third child. I was embarrassed, and angry at myself, and I started to cry. I told her I was happy, and I wasn't lying, but in the back of my mind I was upset because all I wanted was to go out to my car and shoot up because my head was starting to pound, and my joints were hurting as well. 

I stopped being able to hide it. At first she thought the sweating, and the headaches, and the joint pain were all from some mysterious illness, but she figured it out pretty quickly. She was angry, to say the least. But she was supportive. She wanted to help me, and I wanted her to help me. I gave her my vial, and my syringes, and I said I would quit but Ive been through this, I knew I would need backups, and I had them. She figured it out on thanksgiving, and she sent me away a couple days later." Reid wiped the tears away from his eyes, and shook his head.

"I missed the birth of my child," he sobbed, "When I came home, it was amazing. The kids were huge, and my baby was perfect. Max was so happy to see me home and safe, and I swore to her I would be better this time, and I was. The girls didn't remember their lives without me, and I was home the day before Jason's birthday, so he forgave the three months absence quite easily. I missed Maeve's first words, but I caught her first sentence. She said: 'Daddy Sit Story Me,' and I cried, and I read her her book, and she signed to me that she loved me. Max and I taught all the kids baby signs, it was amazing. 

Four years later, my mom died. She never even got the chance to meet Amelia. She was a sick baby, and until we realized she was celiac, we refused to take her out of the house in case there was something making her sick on the outside. I lasted about a moth, but I knew that the drugs would bring her back. I knew they would bring back her memory. I snuck myself into the bathroom, and Max caught me on the third night. We decided rehab was the best bet, because I didn't think I could stay clean at home, and just like that I was gone again. Another three months. This time the kids were less sympathetic, but Max was just as excited to see me come home. I was serious about staying clean, and I gave up my real stash to her on the day of my return. Then she was less excited. She was happy I was honest, but she was angry about how much I had been hiding in our house. We got through it, but she never trusted me the same way after that.

Then came Addie. Beautiful baby Addie. Addie has autism, and she is hard of hearing too. When she was growling at seven months, I started to get suspicious. Then I noticed the sensory seeking, and then when she didn't speak, I knew there was something wrong. Max knew too, she recognized the signs in Sammy, and she could see it in Addie too. We got her hearing tested just in case, but we knew it was autism. They diagnosed the hearing loss first, but Max and I both knew ASL and we were happy to teach her, and the rest of the kids, a second language. Three months later, on her second birthday she received her autism diagnosis. We still don't know exactly what that means for her, but I love her no matter what.

It wasn't her disabilities that brought me back this time. I never want her or anyone else to believe that. It was the flashbacks. The fights my father would have with my mother. He would scream at her 'that boy is not normal Dianne. He needs to be tested. He's a freak!' and she would yell back that I was perfect, and she would cover my ears and kiss my head and she would whisper tp me that I was perfect. It was the guilt, like maybe a diagnosis would put her at a disadvantage because I made It to the FBI without being 'normal.' Maybe I should have believed in her. I started to resent myself for the diagnosis. I felt like I had doomed her to a life of difficulties she didn't need to have, and I missed my mom. I felt like she would have protected her, covered her ears, and told me she was perfect. I started to fall back again. I knew where I could buy from, and it wasn't hard to stock back up. 

Max thought I was pulling away because I was grieving the diagnosis. She was angry at me, and hurt by her own assumption. I tried to explain it to her but she didn't understand. I don't think I tried very hard. I was high. Addie started reading. Two years old, and she was reading with Maeve. Not kids books, but Maeve's books, and I didn't notice. I had no idea, and when Max brought it up I couldn't even lie about why. She told me I needed to sleep on the couch, and that we would talk in the morning. We never had that talk. I don't know how it happened. I have a PhD, and I'm a fucking genius former FBI agent who can read 20,000 words per minute, and I misread the number on the syringe, or," He slammed his fists into his forehead, not hard enough to cause Dave to intervene, but enough to bring him back to reality, "I don't know what happened but apparently Maeve found me, and I didn't wake up for four days. They thought I was going to die, but somehow I woke up. And now Max doesn't want me to come back."

Reid broke down entirely. He pushed his plate out of the way and dropped his head into his arms. He sobbed heavily. 

Rossi rose from his chair, and placed a comforting hand on Reid's back. He stood behind him, rubbing circles as his former coworker cried on his kitchen table.

"It's okay," he muttered, repeatedly, "let it out."

Finally, Reid calmed down enough to sit up, and he wiped the tears from his puffed up eyes. "I'm so sorry," he gasped, attempting to compose himself. 

"Hey, Reid, it's okay!" Rossi affirmed soothingly.

"What am I supposed to do, Dave? What am I supposed to do? I can't- I don't- What do I do?" he asked, breaking down again.

"We will figure it out. I promise you. We will figure it out."