OK, fine.

ok.........

i don't know what else to do...
so I'm typing in here....
first time I'm typing on a computer and not a phone so... wooh... i guess....... 

ill just get right to the point, i want to die.
specifically because i feel that being alive has more negative consequences to others than positive consequences. for the record more negative to me than positive as well, but its the others i actually care about...

i made a mistake last night. several in fact.
the first being not looking at what was being put in front of me to drink...
to be fair I'm an arbitrary drinker, i don't think or realize I'm consuming liquids of any kind as i do it entirely passively, so someone, not mentioning who, thought it would be a good idea to ignore my stance on a lack of alcohol consumption and place an alcoholic drink by me which i did drink without even thinking about it, several glasses in fact.....
this mistake was a mistake in and of itself, as fuck alcohol, but it became a greater mistake because of the timing of it... 
i was in skype during this, talking to quite a few people, no one noticed anything weird until i asked them again today about it so... i guess i don't sound much different so that's good.... though the things in particular i said and did probably still should have clued people in? but i guess not so whatever....
the things I'm referring to being, openly flirting while my family can still see me, even worse so with people I've never met and irregardless of gender a big nono with family around, my voice being higher pitched than normal, being sucky at a game I'm normally good at and not being upset about it...  i said things openly like my sexuality and i was openly letting myself be seen, honestly jsut in general being open is out of character but whatever... i was actually insulting people instead of being nice... which is waaaay out of character but whatever.... i was switching emotions like a flickering light in a horror movie.... sigh... 
essentially you get the point.....
when i say flirting btw i mean to the point some of the other people present were making gagging sounds every time i spoke because of how much i was Dx
i was not acting like me at all and I'm rather freaked out that happened but bigger problems trump my emotions on that one......
so on top of clearly getting to the point of not really acting like me at all yet somehow still enough like me no one noticed......
i also interacted with some people on my phone, one of which immediately questioned if i was intoxicated, and i was like no I'm not drinking anything bad jsut this green milky stuff here that tastes like cum mixed with mint. she was worried about me and made me look through and figure out what was actually being consumed by me, which turned out to be eggnog with mint which sounds horrible combo honestly, mixed with some other form of drink i couldn't pronounce but was obviously alcoholic... no idea what the actual ratio of combination here is, but i also know i never drank bfor so doubt it took much... she eventually jsut didn't know what to do and stopped talking to me, maybe jsut got busy i don't know...
but during that whole stint is where my second big mistake cums in.
i kept drinking it.
i mean, yeah yeah arbitrary drinker ill drink anything if im not paying attention but i should have been at least somewhat concerned by then? but i wasn't, not at all in fact. i meant to stop but i jsut sorta... forgot? and then kept drinking without thinking about it. not exactly sure how much i drank? but whatever... i guess that's not important... probably a small amount as i doubt i have any real Constitution so whatever...
and i didn't exactly tell anyone else i was consuming anything as well... i had already forgot i was drinking it so.... why would i tell others of something i didn't know about? 
this conversation and discovery took about a few hours overall and i was messaging others at the same time too,
one of which, is a girl i really really like. like a lot in fact...
was bored and chose that particular night of all nights to message me...
sigh...
the conversation itself went over rather well i guess...
i mean i was pretty normal when it started and i jsut sorta got worse progressively as it went on...
i had most of what i wanted to say already there wanting to be said, i do that a lot... is apparently some sort of social anxiety thing? preparing conversations ahead of time? i dont know....
but from when she messaged to when i answered the first time was almost an hour Dx
i spent the whole time typing my message and correcting the mistakes,  because if you think I'm bad at mistakes right now, holy shite did i make so many when i was like that Dx
from there it worked pretty ok till about 45 minutes in...
during this first 45 minutes i corrected my mistakes and didnt have too much trouble i suppose...
but after i passe my limit of things prepared to say, in theory id normally jsut prepare more things to say? but i didnt when i was like that, after hitting the end of the line i jsut kept going, whatever was on my mind jsut came out, specifically this happened because I was asked to make a new topic and i did, i jsut spewed something random that didn't take off at all... then simply responded until i found a new train of thought and then rode it.
that was my third mistake...
because what was on my mind during all that was two things, "yay shes actually talking to me." and "omg i have to tell my sis about this when she gets here."
so my responses were about my feelings on her talking to me again, that led into me talking of my little sis.
which i meant nothing bad....
my memory which is god awfully hazy during all this Dx i remember only really having pleasant and happy conversations with her...
which is exactly what i told my sis was happening when she did finally get here...
because that's how it was for me...
the content of the conversation was not actually registering to me simply the fact the conversation was happening at all...
after i mentioned the first thing about my sis, i said we should move on as i was kinda still sane enough to realize i shouldn't talk of her in this scenario, but she responded asking more details about what i said. and i somehow... forgot about wanting to move on? i seem to have this running theme of forgetting blatantly obvious things during all this.... sigh...
nywys so i simply answered as i remembered how things went, which in rereading after isn't even accurate at all... i mean close to what i was told about it all, but definitely worded super poorly...
like she asked a small question then i jsut sorta exploded way more info then even made sense in the answer to the question... i was jsut running off the train of thought, didn't even remember saying most of this.... sigh... the fact that i was clearly not thinking straight when i typed it all is obvious in rereading it now but... i guess it went unnoticed by the receiver.... sigh...
i don't even remember any of the rest of this...... i just typed responses individually to the stated things the other person said without really thinking about my words... they jsut poured out... hell rereading this there's even moments in the same messages where my entire message jsut changes mid message to mean something completely differently than when it started DX like Jesus most of these don't even make complete sense...
sigh...
either way.. eventually she left and the conversation ended...
and what i remember as a pleasant happy amazing conversation, really wasn't...
i slept well i woke up happy i was really brought good by it all....
within the same night i had  also talked to my sister as i mentioned, she was having a bad day... well maybe not bad exactly.. more like jsut super mentally done or r something? i really actually don t understand what she was telling me at the time....  and i haven't reread any of that conversation yet...
but i remember wanting to tell her that i talked to the girl i liked and that i want ed to tell her all about what i talked about, and was super happy, but then i remember getting super sad about something she said ? but then it was all ok really shortly after and well... i guess i completely forgot i had things to say? either way that conversation was really up and down if i  remember it right.. and lets be honest, i probably don't...

by the next day.. i woke up with the most seriously horrible head ache I've had in a long time...
the girl who was worried about me the night bfor said something like it was because of the alcohol? so whatever on that... but i was happy so i didn't pay it too much mind, i jsut sorta layed in bed until it went away... like.. for a few hours...
i woke up played games with my brother had breakfast super late in the day everything was cool.
when at some point later i realized i forgot to say morning to everyone that morning, so i went to message everyone. i went and said morning and saved my little sis for last, mostly because i usually type more than jsut the word morning when i type to her heh.. and if tis the last one i can take as much time as i want and all.
but when i opened her things i saw had missed messages from her, missed messages of her being really upset because of things i told the girl i like that she told my sis that ended up causing problems... like big problems...... i could almost swear i felt the dopamine drain from my brain...
as i was reading it all... my neck felt on fire my hair stood up everywhere... my breathing became a struggle, it felt like tiny ants were crawling all over my body, and i could barely move my mouth to say even a word... i went to the bathroom and i threw up... this was the point i went and reread all my conversation to the girl i liked... and i realized.... everything i said... it wasn't ok, very little of it was ok...
its not like the things said in there wouldn't be said by me normally, maybe? but no where near like that. hell no, i basically painted my poor little sis into some kind of.. bitchy horrible person and i.... shes not like that at all...... i don't think that of her in any way at all!! sigh... its not like what i said wasn't what i believed but i wouldn't have said it like that and i certainly don't think it like that....
my little sis is amazing, and one of the best most amazing people on the face of this planet, every person who has the opportunity to interact with her is literally being blessed, but i made her sound so bad... i could just imagine that how they interacted when all that was discussed within them...  how I'm such a horrible person for it.... i wanted to die so bad... but i kept talking to my sis... i expressed my feeling and emotions my freaking out.. my not being ok even in the slightest.... but what could i say? its not like there was a misunderstanding, it was in fact something  i did do. it wasn't like what i said was not what i felt, it jsut wasn't exactly how i feel it... its not like i said anything i didn't believe was the truth, i just.. wouldn't have phrased it like i did.... there was no excuse. and there still isn't. in all honesty the only reason I'm not currently dead as is... is i said id talk to her when she got here later in the day, and that id face the punishment i deserved... i mean... if i jsut died now.. that'd be the easy way out wouldn't it? nono... i deserve to be in pain, i deserve to suffer.i hurt two people i care of deeply. and there's nothing i can do to heal what I've done....
so ill reiterate what i said from the start, i want to die.
this isnot the first fuck up I've done.
but i sure as well want it to be the last.
I've done nothing but bull shite like this hurting everyone i care about until they decide I'm not worth it and leave, and I'm fucking tired of it. i refuse to hurt anyone else, and i don't care if i have to die to do it, i will not fucking hurt anyone else ever again!!
sigh...
I'm not even sure I'm capable of ending myself....
who knows....
but i want to so god damn bad right now....
sigh...
typing in here kills time for when she gets here...
i may or may not publish this...
who knows.....
but that's my recording of the most recent of many many severe fucking fuck ups of mine...
i hate alcohol....
there's a fucking reason i refuse to drink it....
i have enough reasons to hate myself.. i don't need me running around unsupervised making even more reasons....
sigh...
gnight peoples...
hopefully forever but who knows at this point...

-nohj