darkiplier fucking murders markiplier

the end of an era

i awoke to water being splashed in my face, i was chained to a chair in the middle of the corridor. "where am i?" i thought to myself. "oh wait, god fucking damnit ughhhhhh whhyyyyyy" i thought, realizing exactly where the hell i am. "so, youre finally awake?" the entity said. "shut the actual fuck up mike" i said, annoyed. he slapped me. "dont call me that you worm! address me properly!" he said. "uggggggggghhhhhhhhh suckmydick- mind telling me whats going on, and more importantly how youre alive...

                                                      MR BLOOMBERG

he laughed. "well dark, its quite simple, when you all watched me "die" i just... didnt? lmao fucking dumbass" he said. "yeah no shit bloomberg but howd you do it?" i asked. "you see, my whole presidential campaign was a scheme from the beginning, i knew i never had a chance at winning, but you can't just spend 500 mil at once in one place ya know? but you know where you can? a presidential election! i used it as a mask to hide what i was really spending my millions on! i actually never spent a cent on ads, just a cheap gimmick to distract the public eye! all the "ads" i purchased were just stupid videos thrown together by a few of my underlings, i then had all the ads aired for free because id take all the news broadcasters families hostage! ha ha ha! truly evil if i do say so myself!" bloomberg began to laugh hysterically, while i was disgusted. "wait, what did you do with the money then? and you never did explain how you just didnt die??" i asked. "bitch im getting there" bloomberg yelled. "well, since you are going to die here, i guess i can tell you! you see, i spent the first 250 mil making sure joe biden would be assassinated, you cant really become someone if theyre still alive ya know! after he was taken care and done with, i spent the next 250 mil faking my own death, dont ya think it was suspicious that i was taken hostage on one of my private yachts by a band of pirates and just.. lost at sea?? like isnt that weird to anyone??" he questioned. "man if im being real wit you i dont think anyone cared..." i mumbled. "it hurts to say it but yeah, no one gives a fuck about the berg" he said sadly. "bitchass bloomberg" i thought to myself "no wonder no one gives a shit about you, you look like you touch kids for fun and spend your free time outside of daycares with binoculars" i thought. "so is that why you wanted to become president? just to have access to others with extreme power just to suck them dry?" i asked. "well, when you say it like that it makes me sound gay! no, mike bloomberg is completely straight! 100% heterosexual! no gay here!" mike kept going on and on about how straight he was but to be honest i stopped listening like 5 minutes ago. suddenly, something caught my eye! it was anti! he had fully healed up his complete and utter lack of face and was now wielding a massive fucking crucifix, mike bloombergs one weakness, jesus. i knew i had to distract bloomberg so anti could get the jump on him and end this once and for all. "hey bloomberg! tell me about all those sexual assault charges you have against you!" i said with pure joy, smiling ear to ear. "god i want to fucking implode" i thought. "oh boy! my favorite topic to discuss! sexual assault!" mike looked ecstatic. he began to discuss all the women he had touched over the years and how he was basically addicted to committing sex crimes. he was so lost in discussion about assaulting women, he didnt notice anti sneak up behind him and stab him with the large crucifix! 

if only that were the case

bloomberg grabbed antis arm before he could land the finishing blow. "do you think im an idiot?" bloomberg said between laughs. "yeah, a lil bit" anti said before throwing me the crucifix. while mike was discussing his love of sex crimes, he made sure to anticipate antis attack, but he wouldve never guessed that i would undo all my chains with a spare buzzsaw i had in my back pocket, due to the bag of holding. it all happened in an instance, i shed all my chains and jumped up into the air, catching the crucifix, driving it down into mikes heart. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" mike yelled in agony, voice dropping into an extremely low growl. he began to melt, parts of him falling off and turning into a boiling black goo. he screamed for help until the very last second, but fuck that guy im not helping him for shit. at last, the evil was defeated, mike bloomberg was dead. i looked at anti and he honestly looked kinda pissed off. "dark youve treated me like shit ever since i met you, i dont expect now to be any different" anti said. lowkey i kinda felt bad, without anti i wouldve fucking perished lol i was fighting mike bloomberg. i looked down at my feet. "im sorry" i mumbled. "what was that you big baby bitch" he said. "man im fucking sorry, youre way more useful than i thought you were and i was a total fuckin dickhead to you" i said, like a bitch. "ah, thats all i wanted to hear, now lets do what we originally came to this shitty realm to do" anti said with a smile. we walked over to the cage holding mark and jack. before they could ever get a word out, we unleashed the fury of every single gun we had brought along with us into the cage. it wasnt even guns, every single weapon we had was pointed and fired at mark and jack. this went on for about an hour, not cause we werent sure if they were dead or not, just cause after defeating mike bloomberg we had a lot of pent up anger. by the time we were done, mark and jack had become nothing more than a fine red mist. "aight, were done here, lets go home" i said to anti with a smile. we walked outside the house feeling content with what just went down. we walked over to a local gas station and purchased a monster energy. "ah fuck yeah" i said as i slurped that shit down. i had regained all my energy and thus my magic powers. i effortlessly opened a portal to hell and anti and i walked through it. the portal led right into my living room, where we both sat down on my epic comfy couch, relaxing for the first time in god knows how long, before turning the tv on and watching reruns of the big bang theory.   Bazinga!

The End