Microcosms of You

Out in the Cold Night

Out in the cold night, Mama said that it was dangerous. That it is dangerous. What could have been the reason why she was scared? A forest is just a forest. There are no monsters. No, monsters aren't real. Papa said that.

I believe Papa over my Mama these days. Most of what she says are hard to understand. I can't even hear her. She was opening her mouth, moving her lips, but I can swear at most she was saying something, but none of us can understand her. No one ever could. Ever since that day. The day when she told me it was dangerous in the woods.

Of course, I never listened. I donned my coat, sidestepped her and rushed out the front door in the eternal white. The wind was howling then, slapping my face, chilling my body and turning my breath into clear crystals in front of me. But, I was happy. This is the first time I was out of the house. Mama's screams died behind me as more and more howling filled my ears. I heard a thud. Looking back, I saw a dark shape by our door, but the wind stirred up snow, blurring my vision. Mama stopped calling my name. It was suddenly too quiet. Everything was still.

I shrugged, hugged myself tighter and forged ahead. The snow settled heavily upon me, but I kept walking. I enjoyed it every time my foot sank knee-deep in the bed of soft ice as I put one foot in front of the other. Glancing at the sky, I figured it must be almost dinnertime. I have walked on for at least half an hour. My stomach growled, suddenly,, and I decided to come back home.

Thinking back, I would almost say Mama was lying. The woods isn't even dangerous. I haven't seen any monsters that tried to eat me. No one even bothered me as I turned around and went back.

There were voices shouting when I saw my house again. Everything was still, the snow making gentle patters against our roof. Everything was fine. But, those screams sounds like Papa. I wonder what happened. I ran inside.

Papa had his back into me, cradling something in his arms. I thought it must be the puppy I was pestering him to buy me. But, puppies doesn't have long legs. Puppies doesn't have long dark hair. Puppies doesn't have limp hands. Papa was crying, saying Mama's name over and over. I wonder what happened. I ran to him.

That was the first time I saw peace in Mama's face. She was beautiful, with her eyes closed, her lips pressed together. She was peaceful. I wonder why Papa was crying. I don't know why he would cry over Mama sleeping.

I reached out and touched his shoulder. He flinched then relaxed when he realized it was me, his daughter. He looked at me then back at Mama and asked me with a hoarse voice.

Where were you? He had asked. I was too scared to answer. He had never growled at me like that. I began to notice the dark circles under his eyes and the tired hunch of his shoulders. I wonder what happened. I shook my head. Papa looked like he wanted to slap me. But he couldn't since Mama was in his arms.

Where were you? He repeated. I was about to answer, to tell him the truth when Mama stirred. She woke up from her sleep. But, she looked different. Her eyes were wild. Her face was confused. She was looking at me like I was a stranger. She was not my Mama.

Papa immediately helped Mama onto a bed, asked her questions and expected answers, but Mama just stared at him, at the open space, at the house, at the cold night that surrounded us. Papa soon gave up talking to her. I wonder why. I wonder what happened to Mama. So I try. I sat beside her on the bed and talked to her.

Mama? I ask, touching her arm. She didn't look at me. Barely even flinched.

Mama? I ask again. This time, she looked at me. But she said, Who are you?

I wonder why. I wonder what the woods has done to Mama. Why is she like that. Why can't she see me? Why...

Mama never spoke to any of us after that day. Papa never spoke to me, either. But he dazzled Mama with his stories of the outside world. I tried to talk to Papa, but he never wanted to. I wonder why.