❣ Forelsket ❣ Keigo Takami/Hawks

[Book 2] ↬ Amnesia {1}

[A/N]: Light spoilers for anime-onlys.

Trigger Warnings: Anxiety/Depression, Mentions of Self-Harm and Attempted Suicide.

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You said 'Forever'. The gentle dripping of tears was being drowned out, not only by your depressive thoughts, but by the music playing full-blast. Was that all just a lie? Did I ever really mean anything to you? Was I ever truly special? Was I just being used?...Did you throw me away?

Songs proclaiming solitude, misery and heartbreak were echoing off the walls, while in desperation, you hoped and prayed that they would be enough to block out your desolate cries. They resonated as the wretched sobs of angels, as you tried urgently to grapple the truth, to understand where...and when, everything collapsed around you. It is often claimed that the gods bequeath the hardest battles to their toughest soldiers, but your fragile soul was shattering under the weight of their expectations. Couldn't that be any more obvious? Or were you supposed to splinter, further and further, until nothing was left save for a few, worthless pieces? What was anyone to do with them? The man who had swooped up your heart, fancying to toy with it, yet unwittingly becoming invested...the one who always cherished you, even amidst the darkness - the emotional storm...he was finally gone. You wondered if all the special events, birthdays, Valentine's...did he ever hold them dear?...Or were they replaceable, just like you?

You wondered if he had discovered a new adventure, whether he was bedding another, or had been, behind your back...The anguish dulled your usual, bright sparkle, your passion for life...everything. You wished so badly for a second chance. What had you done to warrant such blatant disregard, such ignorance of your very existence? What had you done? If only he would whisper those much-needed words...even if you must strain to hear them...you would launch yourself at any opportunity to remedy this. Whichever of your actions he disagreed with, you could make it right.

You could make it right...together!

There was no-one else - no family, no friends. Without Keigo, you had nothing, and nothing mattered anymore. Both of you harboured issues, pertaining to trust and otherwise, so despite a two-year relationship, you still lived apart. Although, items reminding of him littered nearly every inch of your apartment. He always spoke so earnestly of wanting to relocate you, but life...personal problems...there was forever something blocking you, like...the very fabric of your beings would unravel if you got too close, too...intimate. As the dirges struck your ears, almost managing to muffle completely your incessant cries, you found a couple of his old shirts - ones he had gifted to you, so you wouldn't be too lonely in his absence. Of course, they weren't anything compared to him and his warm, loving embraces, but they retained his scent...and it was heavenly.

You couldn't resist, as much as your mind fought to, wrapping yourself once more in his fragrance...his memory. You savoured it, and your dormant self-loathing started to attack, more ferociously than ever before. Why did he leave? Well, wasn't that obvious? He despised you, even more than you did. It wasn't difficult for your mind to believe, but your heart...

...Your heart was a different story entirely.

It remained true to him. It stayed loyal, in spite of the agonising pain. It just couldn't fathom how...why...He had no reason to up and leave, without so much as mentioning it. Every call forwarded straight to voicemail; he never picked up, never contacted you back, never made an effort to reach out. You couldn't help worrying for his health, for his safety, but you were breaking. He was your whole world, and he just...disappeared. You hadn't even seen him flying around the city, although you knew he was there. So, he was simply avoiding you. Hawks...the extraordinary, wonderful man, to whom you owed your very life...He had long become your hero - the only hero you required.

He was your saviour, your knight in shining armour...the one who lifted you from the chasm of self-doubt, of...anxiety and depression, in a way. He never failed to shield you from your demons, even at their most potent. But...he didn't see the manifest torture, the harm you inflicted upon your skin. He couldn't make the time, nor the energy. You disguised them so, incredibly well...He just couldn't have noticed. He couldn't have possibly comprehended the extent of your dark ideations...everything you wished to achieve.

Rather...the endgame. The method to the madness, the reason for all the pain, all the suffering. It was death. Of course it was death. You certainly didn't expect anything less, but Keigo...would he be horrified, if he eventually returned, hoping to make amends, only to discover a corpse...the lifeless shell of his former lover? Would he feel regret? Loss? Sorrow? Or would he rejoice, that he was no longer shackled to such an expendable person, such a burden on his dreams? He desired to fly freely, unimpeded, right? Well...maybe you would grant his wish. Or maybe the universe would. Either way, he wouldn't be obliged to love you anymore, to cuddle with you, share his snacks, or lie awake at night, listening intently as you described how horribly the world had treated you.

"I guess this is goodbye...Keigo." You muttered, staring at the piles upon piles of shirts, trying desperately to hold back the floodgates.

If only you had been clued in on his mission to infiltrate the League of Villains...if only he was allowed to send a message. But he wasn't. They refused it. They stressed the dangers, manipulated him at his weakest - when you nestled at the forefront of his mind. He couldn't risk getting you involved, couldn't risk...you being tortured, killed, or something worse. But...informing you of his absence, instead of simply leaving...why wouldn't they permit that? It should have been safe. Just a note...something! He understood their hatred of you, but it was unfounded, petty. You never once dragged him away from them, from his work, so why? Why did they resort to such underhanded tactics, to split the two of you apart? Out of everyone they could have selected for this covert mission...why did it have to be the guy with so much to lose? You served as his guiding light, the one thing keeping the officials at the Safety Commission alive, and clear of his wrath.

Why were they so blind to that? It was always something new - you were spotted with another man, lip-locked and living it up, or you were being irresponsible, partying every other day, with three men on your arm. Their tall stories were ridiculous. They tried to convince him that you embodied some vile, evil seductress. They said you wouldn't remain faithful, that his time was wasted on you.

Could they have been any more wrong?

Cursing under his breath, he whispered, "Wait for me, angel. I promise, I'll be with you soon. Just, please...wait for me."

How was he to know that nobody caught you, nobody saved you? That they all just watched, as you fell...? On who would he place the blame? Civilians, whom he protected at any cost? The Commission, who raised him, who brainwashed him into becoming what he was? Or, would he blame himself?

Only time would grant the answer.

[Word Count: 1202]