❣ Forelsket ❣ Keigo Takami/Hawks

[Book 2] ↬ Panic Attack {Male Reader}

Trigger Warnings: Anxiety/Depression, Panic Attacks.

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"Keigo...?"

Where is he?!...Did he leave? For work? Oh god, oh god! No, no, no, no, no! Why did he go? Not again...he said he wouldn't leave! What if he doesn't come back? No - he has to...! He has to come back! He'll do it...he'll do it for me, right? He knows I can't...without him, I...

This was an ugly way for your long-dormant stress and trauma to manifest. It was spontaneous; it was untameable - at least alone. Months had ticked by since your last episode, and you were becoming complacent, thinking that safety had finally wrapped you in its embrace. Alas, that couldn't have been further from the reality. You struggled in vain to still your heart, to focus on something besides the sudden, splitting pain in your head, or the beads of sweat rolling down your forehead. You couldn't afford to break down...not in Keigo's absence! If you drowned in this flush of panic, there was no hope of escape, no hope of rescue. And when Keigo returned...what would he think? You were a burden he shouldn't feel compelled to carry. Maybe that's why he left silently. Or maybe your ruminations had just filtered out his words.

The 'why's and 'how's were of no actual consequence. But you needed him back. You craved those warm cuddles, to be enveloped within his wings, to be held...to be loved. Surely it was selfish of you to feel so neglected - he was your emotional support, but he also provided for you financially. His departure from the nest, especially given his profession, wasn't unexpected. And, yet...you were desperate for him to stay.

The terror, the panic...they were insurmountable without him.

When is he coming back? What if I called him? No...if he's at work, he'll just be annoyed, or he won't pick up. My hands are trembling...I-I can't...I can't...

Your laboured breathing soon caught up with the rest of your physical symptoms, filling the room...trapping you. It was hard, so hard to...You gripped your neck, squeezing your eyes shut and praying...just praying - for Keigo, for your fluffy, chicken overlord. No...humour wasn't working. You were marinating in this powerful despair, head spinning, body shaking.

How did this begin? When...? What kind of hero was forced into retirement so early? What kind of hero fled a scene traumatised, after apprehending a villain? What kind of hero relied on another, to such a disgusting extent? He was a god, he was perfect! So why...why had he settled for you, for a man who allowed demons to darken every inch of his life, from morning until night? What kind of lover was so demanding, so willing to tear him from the public eye, from people in need of a saviour?

This feeling...it was beyond horrible.

You were inconsiderate. You were childish. You were worthless. You didn't deserve the unconditional love that Keigo lathered on to you, or how he always cradled you with such care...how he clung to your side after a hectic day of patrols and villain attacks. But these thoughts soon faded, as you succumbed to hyperventilation. You were tangled up amidst the sheets, kicking them away with fury, as if to beg for air. You were slipping. You couldn't hold on. You wouldn't make it. This was the end. It was over. You were dying, screams forever confined to your throat. You couldn't call out, for help...for Keigo. Tears streamed down your face. Why did he always gaze upon it with such adoration? You cried too often, broke down too easily.

Why did he love you?

...Did he love you?

Before you could crescendo, nails drawing blood from your skin, your writhing body falling off the bed...a voice echoed your name. It sliced through the darkness, but the darkness reformed. It always did. It had to, or you would lose all sense of being. After receiving no response, Keigo strained his ears for any small noise - any indication of your presence. When he heard the desolation, the sobbing, the pain...he ran to you. His feathers separated you from the sheets, bringing you into the safety of his arms. He quickly removed his gloves, to play with your hair. Being so intimate, so small, as one...it always calmed you. Both of you. His wings encased your frame, as you leaned into his chest. His heart was beating erratically, but...so was yours.

A moment, devoid of words, passed before your breathing slowed. When it was coming out in shallow huffs, he spoke, in a tone glazed with honey. It was soft. It was special...

"I'm home now, pretty bird. We're both home. Just think of me, think of home."

You were sniffling, so Keigo passed a tissue. "You are my home."

I hope he heard that. Was I being too quiet? I'm such a disgrace. How was I ever a hero? I can't make people happy, like this. I never could...

Then why was Keigo smiling, looking so delighted? You had to take advantage of him being here, of your panic subsiding, to pose your questions. If you remained in the dark for eternity, you wouldn't ever find closure. You had to do this, more for Keigo than yourself.

"Why...why haven't you left me yet?"

Although there was nothing even remotely amusing about this situation, he still chuckled - you had once mentioned how the sound was heavenly to your tortured ears. "When I said I wanted to build a life together, I wasn't joking, babe."

"You have to be tired of me, though! You can't really want someone you have to support all the time!"

Challenge accepted. "Who says I can't? Whether it's financially or emotionally, you can always rely on me. I want you to. Makes me happy, y'know? Knowing I can provide for you, knowing I can put a smile on your face...that makes it all worth it."

"Am I not just a burden? Wouldn't you be better with someo-"

The taste of his lips set your heart alight.

He sighed when you parted. "(Y/n), look at me. Those thoughts are dangerous, so don't entertain them - not even for a minute. Think of home, call me, snuggle up with me...but never have those thoughts. Never let them win. I'll be here for the rest of your life, whether you want me or not. My heart wouldn't let me leave.

"I am eternally yours. Now come on, I'll help you fight those pesky demons."

[Word Count: 1077]