I Almost Do

Chapter 1

I could hear myself. I could hear myself shouting, as if I was outside of my own body. I could hear him getting angrier as the seconds passed by. I could hear every single word he said real clear. I could feel them vibrating in my head, but not doing enough damage for him. 

"I wasn't, okay, Nick?" I screamed. The tears were there, but they were out of anger. "I wasn't cheating! That's all I can say. Trust me if you want. I don't even care anymore!"

"How am I supposed to, huh? I saw you with him, holding hands and pretty much making out! Tell me, what is cheating to you!"

My heart was pounding. Fear filled my chest. His usual deep blue eyes were now churning like the unknowns of the woods late at night. His dark hair was hanging over his eyes like it usually did, and I usually loved it, but his angry eyes...

I realized he was holding a sword pointed right at my heart, so close it was touching the itchy fabric of my shirt. Any abrupt move from me and I would fall.

He started toward me. "I-I wasn't ma-" I stammer with less confidence than before, but still putting on a brave face.

"Great! But how the hell am I supposed to believe that Connie?! You know, you're just a slut."

Burning memories from middle school came back to me. But I still kept going. "And you're suggesting we break up, yeah?" I yelled, choking back my tears.

"You're being a bitch Connie! Seriously!" Then realization struck him, and I could see it on his face. "Wai-"

I didn't care. I ran. I could hear his footsteps behind me, calling my name, but I didn't care. I ran outside. The cold rain sent chills down my spine and gave me goosebumps as I made my way to my car, and the tears finally starting falling and they mixed with the rain. I slowed my pace, wanting him to catch up with me.

"Connie..." he said with a shaky voice as he approached me. 'I...I didn't mean it..."

"Then why'd you say it!? I didn't choose to be a slut, you know I didn't!" 

"Please..." he had tears in his eyes, and he was shivering in the rain having ran outside without a jacket. I almost wanted to wrap him in a hug, because it made my heart ache to see him cry. But I didn't. I know what he said to me, and I can't just forgive him for that, especially when I told him why it hurt so much. "I believe you.... I did before too. It's just that I was frustrated from work and... " he trailed off as he looked down at my face. 

I bet I looked like a mess. Dirty blonde hair stuck to my face with tears and rain, mascara streaming down my cheeks, and jacket tossed on top of my T-shirt. I frantically tried to pull myself together so I could say my last few words to him. "Nick, we need to be able to trust each other, and that's obviously not going to work right now," I whisper slowly with a shaky breath. "I-we should b-break up." I turned away from him and unlocked my black Mercedes. My face was burning despite the icy rain. As I stepped into the drivers seat, I risked a glance at Nick.

His arms were slung at his sides like a soldier on a battlefield littered with his closest friends. He ran his fingers through his wet hair leaving it all messy and adorable, and walked back to his apartment building. Stop, I told myself. You broke up with him. You should feel free. But I didn't. I felt like I took the sword and stabbed it into my own heart by mistake.

I leaned my head back on the seat and took a deep breath. But instead of exhaling and cleansing myself of this whole mess, I started sobbing, each tear causing me to gasp for sweet air. The tears from a few minutes ago, from a few weeks ago, from months ago, from years ago--all being expelled from my body when I shouldn't even feel pain. In my mind I went over every horrible thing that's happened to me. Being raped when I was twelve, abandoned by my father when I was only a toddler, my own mother practically disowning me by dropping me off at a boarding school at thirteen... why me? I dried my eyes as best as I could and started my car.

He was all I ever needed.

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