I miss her.

5

        The first movie on our agenda is over.

        "Hey, Alex, can you make us hot cocoa?" Luke pleads from behind me. He and Donnie are wrapped in a blanket together.

        "I can't carry four mugs." I say without looking back at him. I really don't wanna get up.

        "Pleeaaaase!" Luke whines.

        I sigh. "Fine you big baby." I look to Jeremy, "Hey, wannna help?"

        He nods and we head to the kitchen. I have him get the mugs down out of the top cabinet because I'm too short. I get the cocoa mix and marshmallows out of the pantry.

        After all four cups are finished being made we carry them into the theatre room. I walk to the back row and hand Donnie and Luke their cups. I flick Luke's forehead playfully before jumping the couch into my seat.

        "Here you are m'lady." Jeremy hands me my cocoa and we start our next movie.

        About twenty minutes into the movie Donnie says, "We should do something else. This movie has gotten old when you know every line."

        "Yeah." Luke and I agree.

        "I need to get something from my room. Wanna come with?" Luke says looking to Donnie.

        "Let's go." Donnie replies.

        After they are gone Jeremy says, "Well that was weird." He stands up and walks to the door. He turns to me. "You coming small fry?"

        "Where we going?"

        He just leaves so I follow him out the door and he goes up to my room.

        "What are we doing in here?" Sometimes I worry about Jeremy.

        He sits on the foot of my bed facing the headboard. "Sit across from me. You and I are having a talk."

        I obey and sit across from him. "What are we talking about?" I am quite nervous. I have never seen Jeremy behave like this.

        "How are you?" There is real concern in his eyes.

        "I'm fine." I smile for a second, trying to push it.

        "Bullshit."

        "What do you mean?" I am genuinely curious.

        Tears start welling up in his eyes. "I miss her."

        My heart instantly sinks into the pit of my stomach. I can't bring my voice above a whisper when I say, "Me too." It feels like he told me to swallow lead. My stomach is just sinking.

        The tears slowly roll down his tan cheeks down to his chin. He looks at me. "Please don't do what she did... None of us want you to do that."

        "What? Who's us?" I stare at him in disbelief. Everything clicks in my brain and I realize what he is saying. "You... You guys think that I'm going to commit suicide?" It was something that has always been lingering in my mind, but I never thought I could bring myself to do it. "I love her and I miss her, but I think what she did will always be the bad way out of a situation. I am not killing myself, okay?"

        "Yeah okay. We just want you to be okay." He looks down. His expression is hard to read. He seems to be in deep thought.

        "Who is 'we'?"

        He looks up at me. "Well I told Luke to watch out for you when she died. I know you were very unstable and he was always with you. Then one day in science class Luke and I were talking about how we were worried about you. Karen and Lauren butted into the conversation and agreed. I guess your brother told Donnie. We all have just been trying to help you ever since."

        When he finishes explaining I hug him. He puts his arms around me and just holds me as I start to sob. I try not to cry in front of people but right now I don't care. It's too late.

        He starts to whisper soothingly onto the top of my head. "Hey hey... shhh... it's okay. I'll always be here. Shhh..." He kisses the top of my head.

        My sobbing slowly lets up. My face still blotchy and red and tears still running down my cheeks, I stand up. "Okay... Y-you and I are going to talk-k. About Melissa, the she-witch." I take his hands and look into his eyes. "I don't ask much of people, and if their is anything that I ask of you, it's that you always stand by me and that you dump this girl. Okay? Do it."

        He sighs, probably out of agitation at the subject. "But I like her."

        It was a weak reason. I looked at him, disappointed. "She is a bitch. It's been like four years that you and her have been on and off."

        He purses his lips, but I can tell he agrees. "She doesn't love me. She told me that she never would in eigth grade."

        I was silent for a while. "You never told me that... uhm..."

        He gets upset. Not crying or sad, but enraged. He gets up. "Agh fuck." He mutters angrily just loud enough for me to hear. He looks at me with real rage.

        Jeremy gets like this from time to time I've noticed. Kind of moody. I'm not sure why. But I have never seen him get this angry.

        "I wish I hadn't of told you that." He mutters to himself angrily in a way that alarms me. "Ugh so stupid. Alex, please pretend I didn't say that." The word 'please' seems to hurt him to say.

        "Honey, why didn't you dump her then?" I ask it calmly, trying to calm him down.

        "She was angry and I didn't think she meant it." There are tears rolling down his cheeks but wild rage lingers behind his eyes.

        I raise my voice to him, "Jeremy, please just listen to me for two seconds. Okay? I fucking love you, man. All I want right now is for you to be happy..." It is silent for a while. I lower my head. "Sorry for raising my voice." I move to leave the room.

        He reaches out and grabs my arm, "Alex, I love you too. You are my best friend. I'm sorry for freaking out." He sighs. He looks exhausted. All signs of anger have left his face.

        I look to the clock. It says 11:23 pm. I sigh. "I don't want to go to bed."

        "What?" He looks over to me as if there was no fight. This is how our fights always end, in silent forgiveness.

        "I don't want to go to bed. I will most likely have nightmares."

        "Me too." He falls back on to my bed.

        I sit on the edge of my bed. He moves over for me to lay down so I do.

        He grabs my hand. "We can fight the nightmares together." Without looking I know he is smiling.

        "Okay." I say as I reach up and turn off the lamp light. We lay in darkness, holding hands in friendship, as we slip into unconsciousness.