Always, Yours

Prologue - Never Yours

warnings: angst, mentions of sex, fluff

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Y/N,

It has taken me approximately 14 years to write this. 14 years of letters have come before this one. But this is the most important one. Because this is the one I'll finally give to you. You know, I never thought I'd be here, a little drunk, crying in my bathroom and writing you a letter. But I need to tell you everything. I need to make sure you know just where I'm coming from. I was planning on coming back here and telling you I love you. I went to the cast party for Spring Awakening, we basically just all got a little drunk at a bar and wouldn't stop singing. And someone asked me where you were, they figured you'd come see me on closing night. But you didn't. I knew you didn't have a ticket and I shouldn't have expected you to show up. There was a time when I closed my eyes on stage and when I opened them, the entire audience was just you. And then Jack slapped me on the back and asked if I was gonna admit how I feel about you yet. I realized that everyone knew how I felt about you but you. I guess you're a little clueless but that's okay because I should've told you. I guess I was waiting for you to tell me the same thing, that you felt the same way, a confirmation of these things because I was too scared to admit them without reciprocation. I would write letters to you. Something my old therapist suggested. Said whenever I was feel angry or upset I should write letters to someone I could never be upset with. I could never be upset with you. Even when you're hooking up with someone else and I'm crying about it, I could never be upset with you. So I write. I write and write even though sometimes my words get mixed up. Because it's the only way I can truly feel like I was safe to share my thoughts without the fear of repercussions.

I used to say, in these letters, I signed them off as 'Always, yours'. It started out as 'always, your friend' because I knew I'd always be your friend, even if we went to different high schools like we did. We would still stay together because you're the girl who showed me hidden worlds and told me it was okay to cry.

I guess it was stupid for me to say I was always yours, if in fact, I never was. And I might never be. Anyways, I hope you realize just how much I love you. I've loved you since you held my hand on the way to the nurse's office. Actually, I've loved you since you told those boys who pushed me to 'bugger off'. And here I am, 14 years later, finally telling you. I've loved you since you told me it was okay to cry while the nurse cleaned the blood from my scraped knee. I've loved you since you told me stories of the secret worlds the bugs made, down on those train tracks. I've loved you since you told me that no matter what happens, I'll always be your best friend. I've loved you for so long I don't remember a time in which I didn't love you. And I don't want to think of a future where I might fall out of love for you. For me, that future simply doesn't exist. I don't know why my heart is breaking for someone who was never mine to begin with, but I hope you'll understand how my heart beats for you. I hope you'll hear my heartbeat and realize that every thrum is an exclamation of my love for you.

Never yours, but I'll wait for you anyways,

Always,

Your Tom

Tom sighed, rubbing his eyes before he stood up on shaky legs in the dimly lit bathroom. The twitching of the lightbulb reminded him that he needed to change the light. Even in the dull light of the bathroom, his eyes were bloodshot.

"Tom, you can't go to rehearsal hungover and with red eyes! Wait right there, I have eye drops in my sink drawer," you patted his chest, getting up and returning a minute later with a small bottle.

"Thanks y/n," Tom groaned, holding his eye open so you could help soothe the stinging in them.

Tom couldn't help but stare as you leaned over him, your bottom lip caught between your teeth as you concentrated on taking the dropper out and squeezing the liquid into his eyes.