Kiss List (Book I of the List Series)

Chapter 40 - A Beginning

Pain. Terror. Horror. Anger. Humiliation. When I saw the paper with so many hateful words scrawled across my image a flood of emotions was released within me. I lost control. I turned and sprinted away from Aaron and all the other onlookers who had come out of the band concert.

Aaron caught up to me just before I reached the west entrance. He grabbed me in his arms and I could hear him trying to say something to me but I was too emotional to understand his words. I couldn't think straight. Too many confusing thoughts were crashing around inside my head.

I don't know how much time past before my dad and Aunt Julie arrived. I don't even know who called them. It might have been Aaron or it might have been one of the school administrators who followed us and stayed with us. Seeing my dad's hat pulled down over his bald head only made me cry harder. My dad's face was tired and drawn from his treatment but he took me from Aaron and comforted me. One of the school administrators was trying to ask us questions but my dad silenced the man with a single look and then he and my Aunt Julie took me home. I planned to never set foot in Lakeville High School again.

I stayed home with dad over the following days. My dad didn't even talk about sending me back to school, which is good because I wouldn't have gone. Aunt Julie had arrived a couple days ago and she more or less ran the house, getting Caroline to school and cooking and cleaning for us. My dad really was better and his treatments were supposed to end soon but he was still very tired so the help was invaluable.

I didn't go on my computer. I didn't turn on my phone. I didn't care what was happening in the outside world. It didn't exist anymore. All that mattered was my family. All my friends could go on living their lives and soon they would forget about me. The kiss list, Missy, Aaron, all those stupid pictures – none of it would matter anymore. It would just be a bad memory that would fade to nothingness like an old photo that yellowed, cracked, and eventually disintegrated with the passage of time. That was what I wanted.

On Saturday my dad finally called me into the living room to have a talk with me. "Sadie," he said, "you can't hide from the world. There are a lot of people out there who had insecurities and all sorts of emotional and mental issues that you may not even be able to begin to understand. At times people will do mean things to you, especially when you are in high school and everyone is young, inexperienced, and full of raging hormones. There are certain times when you should fight back and other times when you can't. No matter what, though, you must not let them beat you."

"I don't want to talk about this," I said sullenly. I just wanted to forget it all.

Dad sighed. "Look, I know it hurts. I know it's embarrassing, especially when something like that happens in front of people you know... or maybe even a boy you like?"

My head whipped around to stare at him. How had he figured out that I liked Aaron? Dad had always been... well, a dad when it came to boys – clueless and disapproving. Maybe Aunt Julie had given him a hint? I needed to have a talk with that woman. There were certain things dads shouldn't be wise to.

"It's more than that, dad," I said grudgingly. "It would be one thing if someone was mean to me for no reason. I could put that off on her and still feel confident about myself. It's another thing when I know I, uh, sort of brought it on myself."

To my surprise, my dad shook his head firmly. "Good people can do very stupid things," he said, "but that never justifies bad things happening to them. If you do something wrong you need to make up for it but you never deserve for people to be mean to you."

That was something my dad and I were going to have to disagree on. I wasn't a saint like Alyssa. I had done bad things in order to make my friends happy, satisfy my own insecurities about boys, and complete the kiss list. As a result I had made everyone hate me. I knew I deserved that.