Small Doses

Chapter 40: Gulf

Jeremy and I are sitting in the bar where Friday happy hours are held. This is the only place in Mew's building we are allowed to. It's 5 in the afternoon and we're both drinking tequilla.

We were dragged out by the guards. Since both of us wanted to talk to Mew, no one budged. We ended up here.

After a few minutes of silence, Jeremy spoke. "I miss Mew. I miss my best friend." I tightened my grip in the shot glass and kept silent. "We were best friends for a long time. I grew up taking care of him, protecting him. His father is a business man, his mother a doctor. Both never around and only notices him when he has to fulfill his role as their son. His parents wanted him to be the best in everything. Mew wants to please them so he always tries his best. I and his granny were the only ones who always cheered for him." Jeremy stopped talking and drank his tequilla.

I looked at him. He looked back at me. The bartender put another shot of tequilla in front of him and he drank it again. "But I left him five years ago." Then he covered his eyes with his hands. "It was a mistake, I realize that now. Back then I was deeply hurt. That's what happens when you give your all to someone, you expect that someone to return how you feel. He can't then, I didn't think he ever would. So I flee. I should have accepted his friendship. I should have stayed. " He looked at me. "He has you now."

I looked at him. He continued to talk, "I know he loves you Gulf. He told me and I've seen it in his eyes. I am here because I want to protect him like I used to. But I don't think he'll ever talk to me again. Our ship had sunk a long time ago. I know that now."

He stood up, "I am conceding Gulf. God knows I need to sort my feelings out on my own and accept that things with Mew and I are never going back to how it used to. Just a tip though. If you can't give yourself to him, if there is even just an inkling of doubt inside you, do not pursue him. He has been hurt enough by all the people around him, he deserves the best now." Then he went and left me with my own thoughts.

I sat there on my own, thinking about our moments together. I took out his letter and re-read it over and over again.

I remember when we were stargazing. We laughed at the constellations. I would name an animal and he would try to find it in the sky. I think that night was the most Mew has talked. He looked so animated talking about the stars in the sky...... He even named one star for me.

"Can you give me one more shot please?" I said to the bartender. I need something to numb the pain.

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It's 7 pm. I am sitting at Mew's sofa waiting for him to come home. This is the only way for him to talk to me. I feel so anxious.

The door beeped and opened, Mew entered. I stood up from where I am sitting. He looked at me and paused, "Did you jog here?" He asked.

"No Mew, I used McQueen's service." I said.

He smirked, "I sometimes forget you have your own company too. I guess, I would need to change the lock code now too." He said entering the premise.

"We need to talk Mew." I said mustering all the courage I would need.

He walked down the sofa and sat across me and nodded, "Yes Gulf, we do." Then he looked at me silently, waiting.

"I was here last weekend. You never came home." I said.

"I was with Gramms the whole weekend." Mew said calmly...or bored...or indifferent. I can't seem to read him.

I went straight to the point, "Diane just came last Friday to tell me that I'm not the father. I was drunk. I missed you so much. I needed company. She consoled me, that's all that happened."

"I see." Mew said crossing his arms and leaning in the sofa. He is actually listening to me explain calmly, but something is still off. He is so calm.

I continued on, "I read your letter saturday morning Mew. I didn't eat the whole day Friday."

He just looked at me. He has empty eyes, no coldness, no pain, just inquisitive eyes, eyes he uses in boardrooms and meetings.

"Say something Mew, please." I said, worried at the nothingness I see in his eyes.

He leaned forward. His hands nestled atop his legs, clasped together. "I accept your reason Gulf. I believe you when you say that nothing happened between you and Diane." He said this with a steady voice. A voice void of any emotion.

I can't reach him, he's not letting me reach him. I stood up and kneeled before him. I reached for his hands and clasped them between mine. He didn't flinch. He didn't pull away. He just let me.

I looked at him with all the sincerity I can muster. "I am so sorry Mew. I know I have a lot to make up for. I know I fucked up. I should have listened to you. I should have believed you. I shouldn't have people around us affect us. Mew let's start over please."

Mew just looked at our hands. I squeezed his hands. He looked at me. "I don't know what to say Gulf."

"Please say you forgive me Mew. Please say we can start over again." I said pleadingly.

"In time Gulf, I will forgive you. As for starting over again, I don't know how I can. I am so drained." Mew's words sounded so final. I feel like talking to a Mew I don't recognize.

My chest starts to constrict. It's squeezing me so tight, I have a hard time breathing. "Tell me Mew, what do you need me to do for you to forgive me?"

"Nothing." Mew said.

"What do you mean Mew?" I asked frantically.

"I want you to do nothing Gulf. I want you to live your life without me and I'll do the same. I need to figure this out on my own. Find what makes me happy on my own and not draw it out from other people." Mew said with finality.

I am trying to school my features, trying to stop my tears. I feel like dying. I feel like drowning in my own sorrows. I feel my voice quivering. "Mew...don't do this... I'm begging you." I feel my energy leaving me, I slipped to the floor.  I hugged his legs and put my head in his knees. "Mew...I love you...please." My tears finally falling.

He carressed my hair, "I'm sorry Gulf. I have nothing left to give."