I'm one of those people that's full of contradictions. This will be a list of those contradictions. Ones that I normally hate.
- I'm the type of person that one minute I'll look in the mirror and feel beautiful, and just a few moments later I feel like a total piece of shit. I feel ugly, my voice sounds cracky or masculine, and i move awkwardly, not graceful like i want to be at all.Taking pictures makes it worse. If I look at a photo of me, I feel horrible. I don't really know if I'm ugly, or if I just look bad in photos. But not a single picture I've ever taken looks decent. My friends and family will say I'm sooooo pretty, or that I should just take the damned picture. But no matter how hard they try, i just dont see it.
- I hate liars. Lying bothers me terribly, and I want to cry, scream, throw up, and die all at once when I do it. But I continue lying. Almost daily. That may be part of why I cut. I just don't know what to do. And if I find out that someone lied to me, particularly my friends, I'm terribly hurt and extremely pissed of. I feel betrayed, even if it was just a small, insignificant lie. Pretty hypocritical, huh?
- I'll just go ahead and say it. I'm smart. REALLY smart. I've never tried at school a day in my life, and I've never had below a B on my report card. I've only gotten B's recently, too. I want to do good, go to a great college, have a career. I want to get my Master's degree, or maybe a Doctorate. But I can't seem to care. At all. I never do projects, I procrastinate, i won't do homework for the life of me. I've never studied for a test. Hell, I don't know HOW to study.
- I have plans for when I grow up. Not exactly planned out to a T, but I do have some things i want to fucking do. I have plans for parenting, what i would do in certain situations, what i will never do; I have a plan of how I want my wedding (small and simple), what I want my house to be like, a few kids' names that i like. I know what I want to do as a job, and where I'll open up the practice (thereabouts). I know what i want to name my dog someday, for fucks' sake. But I also know how i wanna kill myself, or I used to, that plan got blown out of the water. I continue cutting, leaving scars, altohugh someday i want to be comfortable with my body, and I want to be able to wear what i want without freaking out my "Mr. Right." I have a plan on how I'll run away from home, what I'll do, and not just useless daydreaming. I know where I want to go to college, but I also don't give a shit whether or not I finish high school. I have plans on what i'll do my last day of senior year, but I also know that i probably won't live that long. I want kids, but I'm scared of the responsibility.
That's it for now. I'm tired of talking about this.
