We Are Monsters 🌕 Book 1 || gxg

April 14th - 16th, 2017

14 April, 2017

Uncle Cain suggested I start keeping a journal. He even bought me this book. It's not bad, but I don't know how I feel about writing like this. I've never been good at talking about my feelings. Writing them feels weirder. Whatever, I should give it a chance.

He said I should try writing about my day as often as I can. I've started losing control of my thoughts, and I don't know what that means, not really. Ever since it happened ...

Anyway, today was cool. My brother and I raced. We don't talk much anymore, it was nice. He hasn't been home in ten months, and I don't have any way to contact him. At sunset we went to the lake and he told me stories of the city, and driving, and the beautiful ladies. I don't believe him when he says he's been on dates. He doesn't know the first thing about flirting. Who would he have practised on, anyway?

The city sounds amazing, but where does he go when he needs quiet? There's nowhere good to run. But, I guess beggars can't be choosers. He works in a bar now, cooking. He always was good at it. Is it bad that I want to go with him? I'm so sick of this life. He showed me his cell phone and all the games on it. It was beautiful. I've never seen something so sleek before. The games sure put books to shame. How am I supposed to go back to reading for fun?

After we cleaned up we watched a movie on his phone. I'm still amazed by how clear the picture was! Our television has a grainy picture, and a built-in VHS player. I used to think that was awesome. Now he can just watch stuff whenever he wants. I know being banished is supposed to be a punishment, but it's hard to see it that way when he tells me these stories. Maybe I'm still being punished after all. He can go wherever he wants, do whatever he wants, and talk to whomever he wants. That's more freedom than I've ever had. Since my episode, I haven't even been allowed off our land without an escort.

Maybe I can convince him to take me with him. My birthday is tomorrow ... No, I can't get him in any more trouble over me. I know, I'll ask him for a phone of my own so we can talk, and I won't be so bored.

Honestly ... I hate it here. I'm so sick of my parents and their overbearing protection. I know what I did, but I'm not going to do it again. I'm not proud of it. It makes me sick to think about. It haunts me every night when I try to sleep. The memories are all the deterrent I need. They don't trust me at all, and I can't even tell them how much that hurts. I can hear them now: "You broke the cardinal law!" "Where did we go wrong?"

I still don't like journaling. I felt terrible before I started and I feel worse now. Uncle Cain said it helped him get through losing his wife ... I'll try again tomorrow.

15 April

Aidan and Uncle Cain left this morning so my parents wouldn't know they were here. They risked a lot to come see me. I should feel grateful, happy, but I'm just envious. I'm stuck here in this centuries-old brick house, forced to stay put by threat of physical harm. Is this how Rapunzel felt when she stared out the window at the life-ending drop on all sides before her hair could help? At least she had time to herself. I'm rarely given that. My parents will be back in a few hours, and will pepper me with false affection to celebrate my birthday. The three of us will know they think I'm a mistake.

I'm not being dramatic, they've told me as much in the past when we fought. I've never forgotten, but maybe they have.

Right, the good news: Aidan gave me his phone! He taught me how to silence it and insisted I keep it safe. He's going to send me a text when he gets another. I have to find a good place to keep it safe. If anyone finds it, I'm in trouble.

~

They're home now, and they brought a cake, and presents from overseas. Greek novels, a new sketchbook, some shiny trinkets. They even said they love me. The conference must have gone well, they're not usually so caring.

No one has caught onto the unwelcome visitors, so I think we're in the clear. Family has been in and out all day, catching my father up on business and hearing of our distant relatives. I've been listening at the heat vent in my closet for a few hours now.

I found a hiding spot for the phone, but that's a secret. No messages yet. I don't know how long it will take him to get another. There's so much I don't know about the world.

16 April

I went for a run this morning before anyone woke up. I went all the way to town before circling back. It felt good to burn some energy, and even better to be by myself in the woods. The air is cool, and there is still thick snow under the dense softwood canopy. I took a long bath when I got home so I wouldn't smell like pine sap or I would be busted.

I asked my father if I can help with operations, or if I can learn how everything works, but he said it wasn't a good idea. The family knew what I'd done, and they didn't approve of how it was being handled; they don't want me involved. He said it would drag our name through the mud.

Even writing about it makes me furious! My hands are shaking. I really am being punished. I haven't been a free, independent person in years! They should have let the police take me, since I'm clearly not a member of this family anymore.