Autumn's Fire

Autumn's Fire: Chapter 17

!!Gore warning!!!TW Self Harm!!

In the morning, after another night spent crying myself to sleep, my breakfast was interrupted by a knock at the door. Not yet dressed, I opened the door a crack to peer out. Seeing that it was Chriol, though, I excitedly opened the door the rest of the way, ready to wrap him into a hug. But yet again he had a look on his face as though something was wrong, and I stopped in my tracks. He fidgeted a bit at first, not saying anything, and then finally cleared his throat to speak.

"I need to talk to you," he started, and my stomach felt like it fell out of my body and my heart threatened to shrink out of existence. "I think we should break up." Chriol said the words slowly but firmly, determined to get their meaning across.

I stared at him blankly for several long seconds, not wanting to process what he had said. I didn't understand how something that had started so beautifully and gradually could end so abruptly. It wasn't how I imagined relationships ending, and my mind malfunctioned as it tried to process the concept. I had stared at him silently for long enough that Chriol then rushed to explain himself, "It's not about Thali or whatever you were worried about before, it's just that... you're a bit too sex obsessed."

I choked on the words I wanted to say, and as I opened my mouth to reply nothing came out. I wanted to scream at him that I hated sex, that it was impossible for me to be sex obsessed. I desperately wanted him to know that I only ever offered sex to try to please him. But I didn't say any of this, I couldn't. All I could do was stand there speechless as tears began to painfully escape from my eyes. Chriol remained antsy at my lack of response and finally, he said an awkward goodbye as I incredulously stared at him walking away. What just happened? How did that just happen? This isn't okay. I'm not okay. How will I ever be okay again? These thoughts flooded my mind, and as tears poured from my eyes, I found myself on my knees still in the doorway. I couldn't even begin to understand the situation, and the best I could do was to drag myself back to bed and sleep the day away to hide from the thoughts in my head that sought to kill.

***

For the next week, I lived a solitary existence trapped in my room. Mum and Dad often hovered around my door, usually begging me to eat something instead of starving myself. While I did occasionally manage to get food down, it was thrown up later. In that short week, I lost eight pounds, and though I felt my body scream at me for it, I was too far gone to care. All I managed to do was grip my knees and sob. Mum tried to ask me several times what had happened, but I couldn't bring myself to answer her. I felt stupid and lost for being so broken over this, and I couldn't admit to her that a breakup was the reason for my self-destruction.

After those long seven days, I emerged from my room on shaky legs to eat dinner with my parents. Mum practically cried when she saw me walk out, and they both gave me big hugs before offering me a place at the table. I sat and ate slowly, and though I was only able to get about half the meal down, Mum was overjoyed to see me eating it and keeping it down.

Despite the darkness clouding my mind, I felt a need to get over this, if not for myself, then for Mum who cared for me so deeply. I had taken the first step towards recovery, and I was determined to continue the journey. So, from then on, I ate all my meals and went to work with my parents. The shop ended up being a really good distraction since Mum and Dad gave me plenty to do to ensure I would avoid being idle. They may not have understood the reason for my destruction, but they did everything they could to support me through the recovery. With their help, I was back on my feet and back to my normal self in about two weeks.

Everything was actually going fantasticly until Thali came into the store. She didn't come to shop, but specifically to talk to me. I froze at first, wanting to run away or hide, but then I saw the apologetic look on her face and I walked out from behind the counter to see her. She immediately began to apologize for the way she had treated me, so I quickly wrapped her into a hug. Thali hugged me back tightly and quickly apologized again. It felt like everything was going to be okay again, and I was overjoyed.

Thali and I walked outside to sit and talk. We started by going over what had happened since we last talked, and to my relief Chriol was nowhere in her story. I felt like I could breathe again as I realized this, but that feeling quickly faded as I saw a familiar necklace tucked below the neckline of her dress. As Thali was speaking I raised a hand slowly to point at it, and my voice came out as a squeak.

"That's Chriol's, isn't it?" The necklace, though partly covered, was clearly the carved fox necklace from Beleg.

Thali froze and looked at me wide-eyed. Then, looking down, she sighed heavily, "Well I guess there's no use in hiding anything now." She looked back up at me, a new look on her face that was a mix of happy and apologetic. "Chriol and I are dating now, Autumn. And I know that's kind of shitty, but we're great together, and you seem to be doing so much better without him," Thali insisted gently, and when I didn't respond, she reached out a hand and placed it on my arm. "And listen. It's not all bad. I mean, you should hear what he went through to get me. He was the one that told my mom about Jeril to get us to break up. And I mean at first I was mad, of course. But then I realized that he went through that just to get me, and I was so flattered. And he's also-" She rambled on and on like this for several minutes as I stared at her blankly.

My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. Then, when I had been suffering, they had been having a romance. Everything behind my back, and everything a betrayal. Just like that, weeks of progress got reset, and while Thali was still talking, I stood up. I remember her trying to say something to me, but her words bounced off of me, and I wandered off. Thali didn't follow me, thankfully, but I didn't want to run into her again today. So, instead of going home, I went to the willow for the first time in weeks.

Once in the safety of its branches, I began to sob, heavy painful tears that felt like they were made of lead. I could barely comprehend what had happened let alone why, and my body shook with such a force, I worried I would fall from the tree. So, I clutched one of the willow's branches to my chest to secure myself in the tree before continuing my shaking sobs. My world had fallen to pieces, and I sat among the rubble, refusing to look at it.

"No, this isn't real. This can't be real," I demanded of the universe through gritted teeth.

Seemingly in response, my mind fell into images of Thali kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and doing everything with Chriol that had been previously reserved for me. My imagination showed me their happiness, and my heart tore itself to shreds. I couldn't stand it, couldn't even begin to bear the thought of the two of them together, and I bit down into the branch of the tree hard enough to make my gums bleed as I screamed in protest of it all.

"No! I refuse! I refuse to let this be real! Fucking change it!" I released my bite from the tree to yell with a hoarse voice, only to then start beating at its trunk with my bare hands. I beat, kicked, scratched, and fought, at first, at the world but then at mental images of Chriol.

I beat at the bark until my hands were bloodied, and then, seeing the damage I had done, I began beating myself. I first ripped apart my dress, tearing off the sleeves and a majority of the hem. But this wasn't enough, so I punched patches of black and blue into the pale skin of my legs until I barely recognized their soft curves. Then, I tore scratches into my arms with my bare fingernails, determined to rend my flesh apart until my hands were too slick with blood to continue. I then began to bite chunks from inside my cheeks, filling my mouth with blood that I spat out at the world. Once my mouth was too raw, I finished my assault by biting hard into my left arm, leaving deep teeth marks in my flesh.

I was angry at myself, at Chriol, at this village, at this country, at this world, at this universe. It wasn't fair to make me, when I had done nothing wrong, go through something so horrible. It wasn't fair to cut my life into pieces. It wasn't fair to rip my world into rubble. It wasn't fair. It was so unfair that I wanted to tear the world asunder until there was nothing left, for if my world was shattered, why shouldn't everyone else's be? Eventually, exhausted and bloodied, and with rage in my heart, I cried myself to sleep among the willow's gentle branches.