Wanting Santana

Love hurts

Santana POV

When I was little, I used to fantasize about the way my life would be in High school. I thought that I would end up being the typical American cheerleader, the popular one at the top of the pyramid. In fact if I would let my imagination run wild, I could see myself at the top of the social ladder with a handsome boyfriend by my side. Preferably the quarterback of the football team, because that's the way a high school fairytale is supposed to be.

Now that I'm actually in my junior year at McKinley High, I can honestly say that some parts of my prediction turned out to be true. I might have been wrong about some things, but that doesn't matter because for the first time in my life I feel truly happy. Maybe it wasn't the enchanting dream that I had pictured myself in, but this is what works for me. It wasn't easy to get here, and become the person I am today. But the most important thing is that I did get here, and not the sacrifices that I needed to make in the past to do so.

Of course my life isn't completely perfect, but perfection is not something I strive for. As long as I'm happy, I don't care about how my life turned out to be. Because I have finally found true love, I have found someone who makes me feel complete. All because I have finally stopped tearing myself down, and I have accepted myself for who I really am. It's what I needed to do, if I wanted to let love in. It's what I needed to do if I wanted to understand and experience what being loved and loving someone means.

It took me so damn long to come to terms with this, but in the end it was all worth it. Now that I have finally found love, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I found love in a place where I would never have considered looking when I was young. So instead of having the nice prince charming I have always dreamt about, and which most girls talk about when they are young, I have found myself a breathtaking princess. Somehow, somewhere, I fell in love with my best friend and there's nothing I could do to change that.

Believe me, it has been no bed of roses coming to terms with this. However if I would get a chance to start all over, I wouldn't change a thing. Because now, I can finally call Brittany my girlfriend. I still don't call her that in public, but even doing that when we're alone is enough for me. At least it is for now, because I know that at some point I will be forced to come out. I can't hide our relationship forever, but now is not the right time since high school is a place where there are too many narrow-minded people if you ask me. Besides, I'm not ready to give up my popularity and ruin my reputation by telling the whole school that I'm a lesbian.

Maybe you think it's foolish that I think that my reputation is one of the most important things in my life right now. But you don't understand how cruel teenagers can be in high school, and I should know since I'm one of them. It's no secret that I like to lash out with vicious words on a daily basis. But sometimes you have to eat or be eaten; it's just the way it is. 

People know that they can't mess with me, since I'm not scared of getting my hands a little bit dirty. There's nothing I can do about that, I'm a Latina and I have got a big temper which I sometimes can't control. Trust me, I don't like getting into fights, but sometimes it's what you have to do when you want to protect the ones you love. When they make fun of Brittany, or one of my friends, I need to make sure that they never do it again. So yes, violence might not be the answer, but at least it helps me protect the people I care about. Sometimes it's just a verbal smack down, but that doesn't mean that it hurts those losers any less. Every day is a battle and I'm not planning on losing it.

Anyway, I know that the only thing that's in the way of making my life completely perfect is me. I'm just too damn scared to let everybody see the real me, the real Santana Lopez. I still haven't told anybody that I'm gay yet, except Brittany, Puck and Quinn. Actually I didn't tell Q, but she walked in on me and Brittany, while Britt and I were completely naked, so there was really no point in denying it. Wherefore we decided to tell her everything, how it all started and stuff like that. Even though I didn't expect it, Quinn totally supported Brittany and me. Moreover Puck was actually the first person whom I confessed that I'm gay, and he was one of the only ones who saw me cry about it. He was also the one who helped me  accept myself for who I am.