Wanting Santana

Words aren't necessary when you have the power of music

Rachel POV

"So Rach, what did you think about Santana's solo today? Because I saw you crying a little bit, even though I know you were trying your best to hide it."

What?! Chloe saw me crying during that performance. Sure, a lot of the girls got teary-eyed, but it's not the same as crying. How is that even possible? I tried so hard to wipe my tears the moment I felt them burn on my cheeks. Apparently I didn't try hard enough; I can only hope that Chloe was the only one who noticed my tears. Oh God, I just hope Santana didn't see them because if she did then she probably thinks that I'm some kind of freak that cries for no apparent reason because that performance was definitely not about me or for me in any way.

Chloe starts moving towards my bed, where I am currently sitting, and she wraps her arms around me because I have started sobbing. When it comes to Santana, it's like I can't think straight anymore and my feelings always get the best of me. I weep, "I'm so sorry Chloe, this was supposed a fun little get-together. And now, I'm ruining it because I'm crying and I can't control my freaking emotions anymore."

Chloe raises my chin with her left hand so that I am looking her straight in the eye and then she says sweetly, "Don't you ever think that you're ruining a get-together just because you're crying. I'm your best friend Rachel; I should be the one on whose shoulder you can cry. You know I'm always here for you, don't you?"

I just give her a small nod, because Chloe is right and she's my best friend, just like Kurt is. Speaking of which, he should be here soon since we agreed on doing another little sleepover tonight. Anyway, Chloe continues, "So why don't you tell me why you’re crying, instead of bottling all of your feelings up. And if you aren't ready to talk about your emotions yet, then I will just hold you. I want to help you, Rach."

Before I say anything to respond, I pull Chloe in a much tighter hug to express how much she means to me. By the look on her face, I notice that she can barely breathe. So I decide to loosen the embrace a little bit, because I obviously don't want to suffocate her. I reply, "Okay, I will tell you. It's just very hard for me to talk about this."

A small sob escapes my lips and Chloe gently squeezes my hand to reassure me that everything is going to be okay and that I should continue telling her what's on my mind. So I start explaining, "It's probably silly, but today in our after-school dance class during Santana’s solo, I realized exactly how deep my feelings are. I’m so in love with San that it scares me, while she probably doesn't even care about me."

I take a deep breath and wipe the tears from my eyes, before I continue, "When I was watching her performance today, I could tell by the way she moved and the song that she had chosen, that she's utterly in love with Brittany. Like sickeningly in love, I saw it in her eyes every time she shot a quick glance towards Brittany. And the whole damn time, I was imagining how it would feel if she would look at me the same way she was looking at Brittany. However, I can't help but think that that is never going to happen. I don't know what to do Chloe; I try to tell myself to get over Santana. But I can't get over her, I just can't and it's killing me."

I have started crying again and I bury my face in the pillow on my bed. Chloe is running her hand over my back to try and soothe me, and it is working. It only takes a few minutes for my crying to stop; thanks to comfort she has given me.

Chloe notices that I have completely calmed down again and she breaks the silence, "Rachel, I'm not going to lie to you saying that Santana isn't in love with Brittany because she clearly is. Otherwise she wouldn't have danced to that song in our dance class, because that was a big risk and a big step for her and their relationship.”

Chloe takes a small break and a sigh escapes her mouth. My lips start trembling because even though that what she just said is true, it still hurts. She takes my hand and holds it in hers, to try and offer me some kind of support and comfort. Then she continues, “However that doesn't take away that they still have their little relationship problems. Because they do have them, if they wouldn't then Brittany would never have come to Kurt for his advice about what to do with Santana. I can tell that it's killing Brittany that Santana doesn't want to come out of the closet yet. And she clearly doesn’t because after the performance, Santana kissed Puck. We both know that she did that to reassure everyone that she chose that song for him.