This is heartbreak: 13th Doctor & River Song

3

Silence echoed through the claustrophobic cupboard for long after the footsteps left. River was worrying about the papers, the Doctor was worrying about River and the possibility of her finding out who she was, and the companions were worrying about the Doctor. It was like a flow.

The Doctor found herself accidentally staring at the huge blonde curls, admiring River's beauty. Her lips were a dark red today, and the rest of her makeup was still somehow un-smudged. She was wearing a dark green dress that seemed to be tight in all the right places, yet was loose enough around the legs to give her space to run as fast as she pleased. She wore it with a black leather jacket, which fit her perfectly, and had many pockets. Her heels were black, and elegant, yet were clunky enough to be a main feature of her look, and they were laced up so that they sculpted around her feet and were also well fitting. Her hair was down, and not fixed in any position, so that it bounced and flowed around but did not get in the way. The Doctor wondered how her beauty was possible.

Doctor Song herself had been fiddling around with the vortex manipulator, but gave up some time ago, so, now she was thinking about the prison guards outside finding the papers and taking them. What if they took them? Then she wouldn't have them. But it also gave them more to hold against her.

She repositioned herself, making the first noise in ages, to put her ear against the door.

"I don't think there's anyone out there now." She spoke, and the Doctor couldn't help but treasure and want to savour the smoothness of her voice. The silence was broken, but it still seemed like it was deadly eery. "I'm going to go and see if I can get the papers." She announced, standing up. The Doctor considered this for a moment, she wondered whether to let River go alone, because it might be dangerous and she didn't want to see any harm come to her wife. Then again, River could take care of herself, and the Doctor knew it, and she needed to talk to her companions alone anyway.

"Ok." The Doctor agreed, although River had not been asking for permission. "Leave your vortex manipulator and I'll see if I can fix it." She instructed, wanting to help where she could even if she couldn't help with anything else. Besides, she had no doubt she'd be able to fix it. River smiled, handing 'Jodie' the watch-like devise. She trusted 'Jodie', but couldn't work out why, she just seemed familiar, knowledgable, and like someone she ought to trust.

The door unlocked again in response to the sonic, and River left, leaving the Doctor and companions in peace and privacy. The Doctor sighed, getting out her own sonic and examining the manipulator with it. She couldn't hide the frown now that River had left. Luckily, the devise she held in her hands wasn't too badly damaged.

"Doctor, who is she?" Ryan asked. The Doctor internally sighed again, but she knew an explanation was due. There was no running away from that fact, no matter how much she wanted to run. She couldn't run away from everything, and even when she did run she seemed to be constantly running into something worse than before.

"She knows a past version of me, and she's not allowed to know who I am otherwise it'll disrupt our timelines." She explained briefly, her voice fast and reluctant. The information was missing a lot of important details, but they didn't need to know them. She put her attention back to fixing the teleportation devise. Cheap and nasty time travel, she thought, completely unreliable. For once, her companions didn't dig deeper for proper answers, which the Doctor was thankful for.

The damage was simple, but complicated to fix, and required the Doctor's expertise, which made her wonder what River would've done without her. She missed River so much, not a day had gone by for the last 1000 years that she hadn't wished desperately to be able to see River again.

When she first saw her again today, she had wanted to embrace her, and to hold her, and to never let go for fear that she might lose her again. She couldn't. She had been given this opportunity but couldn't, wouldn't, take it because it might change her past. She would rather keep her past, keep those precious memories, but it was so painful. This wasn't fair. The universe was so cruel, so harsh and merciless. It was so unfair. It owed her so much, what had she done to deserve this complete and utter torture?

She finished with the vortex manipulator, hoping it was well enough fixed, and that she hadn't miscalculated anything because of her horrible, distracting thoughts. It seemed fine though, so she put it down. She couldn't bare to touch anything that had been so close to River any longer. The reminders hurt her. Everything seemed to hurt her right now, and she was so fed up of it.

"Make sure you don't call me by my name, she can't know who I am." She murmured to her fam, although it was partly a reminder to herself, River just couldn't know about her. The words seemed toxic, and she wanted to get them off her tongue as quickly as possible. They were just words though.

"Ok." Yas replied, quietly as well. She seemed to understand that something was wrong, they all did. They understood the fact something was wrong, but no one would be able to understand how much it hurt. She thought back to the first time she met River, and how her past self didn't know her. That heartbreaking look on River's face when she realised the Doctor didn't know her. That broken, sad look that hurt just to look at. That was probably similar. River would understand how much this hurt. River always understood, but she couldn't get River's comfort because River was precisely the reason she needed it.

The door suddenly crashed open, startling them all since it had been so still and silent before.

"Got them." River explained triumphantly, wafting the sheets in front of 'Jodie'.

The Doctor smiled at her weakly. It was a forced smile, and although it was well practised it was still difficult. It was probably the most difficult one she'd had to do, she had to smile though, mostly just for herself.

"Any luck with the vortex manipulator?" Doctor Song asked cheerily, not seeing the mass of sadness looming in the Doctor's conscience. The Doctor nodded, and handed her the time travelling and teleportation devise.

"Hm, wow, you are clever." River complimented, wrapping it around her wrist. She could feel that it was repaired. The Doctor smiled, a little more genuinely this time.

"Thanks." She accepted the compliment smugly. She may be sad but nothing got in the way of her smugness when it came down to it. "Is it safe out there?" She asked, River could leave now, and she wanted to as well.

"Think so." River said, "I'll come, make sure you get back to your ship ok, it's the least I could do." She suggested. She didn't know why she wanted to be so nice to 'Jodie', but she did, and she refused to ignore her instincts.

"No," the Doctor said a little too quickly, "you don't have to." River looked at her suspiciously.

"You sure? Because if anyone comes I can teleport you out of here quickly." She tried again. This was cruel. This was low, even for the universe this was low. To get her to say no in this situation was more than unkind. How could the universe do this to her? The Doctor mentally cursed the universe, then River for being so kind, but took it back because she still loved River and it was not River she was angry at.

"Jodie," Graham tested the new name cautiously, "not sure if this is the best time to mention it but remember we're lost." He said, feeling a pang of guilt when he realised that the woman would probably recognise the TARDIS, and then the Doctor. 'Jodie' glanced back at him and the irritation she was feeling showed.

"I have maps downloaded into this." River stated, clicking around on the vortex manipulator on her wrist, finding the navigation. After a few more moments, she spoke again, her voice confident - she always knew what she was doing. "I've found it's signal."

The Doctor made her choice. How could she be expected to say no in this situation?

"Ok then." She gave in.