This is heartbreak: 13th Doctor & River Song

4

"This way." River said, staring at the vortex manipulator on her wrist, and glancing up to check her surroundings every few seconds. 'Jodie', Yas, Graham and Ryan followed her out of the storage cupboard, they turned right; which was the way they had come. The Doctor's expression was neutral because she couldn't manage anything better. What was she going to tell River when she saw the TARDIS and recognised the Doctor? How could she even begin to explain why she lied about herself without telling River that their timelines stopped crossing each other? How could she get River to forget this and not let it effect the other times they meet?

The problem was not only about how she could even begin to put these things into words, but how could she say these things without breaking and shedding tears at the memories? She couldn't let people see her like that, even River. Rule 1; the Doctor lies, the Doctor lies about a lot, including her feelings.

She was falling behind at the back of the group, with her head down: she didn't want anyone to see her. It was suspicious, but it was the best she could do.

River was exactly how she remembered her; she walked taking long, confident strides. She was as daring as ever, she had been stealing things like always, and she treasured her diary like it was the most valuable thing in the universe, because it was about the Doctor. Her beauty was flawless, and her smile and determination still shone brighter than a star, even up close. Her own love for River was beyond what she thought possible for a single being before they met. She hadn't thought she would be able to love someone any more than she had done for some of her companions, like Rose, for example. But here she was, and it was hurting her more than ever.

The Doctor could still see the love in River's eyes, even though the Doctor she knew wasn't there. That love still remained long after last seeing her husband, although now she had a wife and didn't know it. How could she bare to see the confusion in her wife's eyes when she saw the Doctor's ship? She would have to know that she dies. Everybody dies, and River was fairly lucky not to have completely died, but it's not nice to know someone who's seen you die.

She was going to find out how she would bare seeing that heartbreak quite soon, she was going to have to, but all she wanted to do was run in the opposite direction. She wanted to get away and get new un-River-tainted things and friends. She wanted to forget and to deny her past. She wanted to leave and never come back. She wanted to be happy and not have to face the pain of goodbye so often. She wanted to be away because every time she met people they all seemed to die. Everyone around her died. She wanted to die. But she couldn't die, she was the Timeless Child, and she couldn't die. No one even knew about that apart from the Master. She missed the Master, from when they were friends. She had loved it when he became Missy, that was interesting. But right now, she wanted to die. She couldn't and that made her want it more.

Sweet death, it sounded like a luxury. Everyone else around her always died, so why couldn't she? It was like being poor, and living on a street in the middle of winter, watching rich people walk by with bags of shopping, wearing large, expensive, warm clothes while the homeless person is only wearing scraps of cheap fabric, with holes in the socks.

"Are you okay? You've gone quiet." River asked, going to the back of the group, and still awkwardly glancing from the halls to the vortex manipulator and back every few seconds.

The Doctor nodded, she couldn't seem to get her voice to work today. She wasn't okay, but couldn't tell River. She wanted to so much. She wanted to tell River everything, and to kiss her, and hold her, and never let go, and spend the rest of her life with her. But she couldn't.

"I can tell you're lying," River stated. How was she so good at seeing people's feelings? The Doctor could never tell what people were thinking. Maybe she was completely heartless with no no sense of other people's feelings. That's what it felt like sometimes. "Anyway, we're nearly at your ship, it's quite small."