This is heartbreak: 13th Doctor & River Song

5

Goodbye, sweetie. The words replayed in her mind over and over again. What sort of words were those? Why did the concept of goodbye even have to exist?

The Doctor was sat on one of the steps in her TARDIS, which was glowing a depressing blue instead of yellow, with her head in her hands. Traces of tears still showed on her cheeks, and her eyes were wide open, she was barely even bothering to blink. She couldn't be bothered. She didn't want to do anything. She just wanted to curl up into a tight ball and die.
Well, the truth was that she wanted River.

She wanted her wife to be alive and with her, she wanted all her other previous companions to have lived a happy life after she left them. It wasn't fair how she took ordinary people, showed them everything, time and space and more, and then abandoned them and left them in scraps. She wanted Gallifrey to be in one piece, a piece that kept flowing in time. She wanted to be happy, and to have a nice life, instead of this constant emotional pain. She never got what she wanted. It wasn't fair.

She saved lives. She always meant well. She always did whatever she could to help people, even if those people didn't 100% deserve help. She never gave up. Not normally. Couldn't she give up now? Just this one time, was she really not allowed to give up just this one time? She wanted to give up. But she wanted to give in more than anything. She wanted to find River, and take her away, and for them to spend the rest of their lives together. And if she couldn't do that, then why not just give up. Give up on life. Couldn't she just die?

If, according to the universe, she wasn't allowed happiness, why should she be allowed life? And why wasn't she allowed to die. She didn't even have death to look forward to anymore.

She hated everything. She didn't really, the universe was full of amazing things as well as the pain. But she felt like hating everything. What was the point of everything? What was the beauty worth if behind it just held pain and death and misery? What was anything worth? Nothing was the answer. Nothing if she couldn't have River.

Give up. It sounded so appealing. It sounded like a type of secret heaven. It sounded so simple, so easy, so convenient.

But was she really giving up? She was the Doctor. The Doctor never gives up. The Doctor helps people. Did she really have it in her to simply give up? The Doctor had never given up before, and look where it had got her. Sure, there was pain, and misery, but there was also so much life and beauty that was saved because of her. So much worth living for. So much worth saving. She had made herself so well known over the years; her reputation was that she never gave up. She had determination. She had saved so much, and brought so much happiness, and that meant something. Was she really going to throw that all away now? Was she really going to give up so easily? No, she certainly was not.

When had she become like this? When had she become so emotionally weak? Where had her determination gone? Wherever it had been, it was coming back now. She was going to make it come back, and stronger this time. Stronger than ever before. She was the Doctor and she was never going to give up.

The Time Lord got up, she hadn't stood for a few hours now, and her legs were stiff, but that wasn't stopping her now. She didn't have a full plan, but she knew not to underestimate her abilities, especially when she had such an important purpose on her conscience. The TARDIS beamed, glowing yellow again, happy to see the Doctor get back to her usual self.

She rushed over to the console, excited to get on with her half made up plan. She played around with the controls to get the time machine into the right settings, and put in the coordinates, making the incredible spaceship take off. She loved the groaning sound it made when she left the breaks on, it always meant  a brand new adventure was coming.

The TARDIS landed quickly. Too quickly to say how important this was; it almost made it seem like it was just another adventure. It certainly wasn't though. This was important. The Doctor took in a breath, preparing herself for what she was about to do. The anticipation was too much. She was practically bursting with worried excitement.

She turned around suddenly to face the doors, unable to keep calm. Behind those doors lay so much. Behind those doors, there was potentially the happiest moment of her life. She was terrified but elated at the same time. It wasn't rare for the Doctor to feel like this, but this time it was different. She walked slowly to the door, having to think carefully about every step because she seemed to have forgotten how to walk. One foot goes in front of the other, how hard could it be? Very, as it turned out.

Why hadn't she thought about doing this before? It made so much sense.

Her fingers clicked, and the door opened in front of her. The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS into a large room that she recognised. Large shelves loomed over and around her, with thousands of neatly lined up dusty books. They hadn't been touched in however long it had been since she was last here. She didn't know how long that was; it could've been 10 minutes ago, it could've been centuries ago. Perhaps even millennia, but she hoped it hadn't been that long. She didn't want to have kept her wife waiting for that long.

She was in the Library. Not any old library, but the Library. The largest library and computer database in the entire universe.

The Doctor glanced back at her TARDIS, and let out a horrified gasp. It was in a shadow. Then she realised that she was too, and that she wasn't being eaten alive. Perhaps this was luck, and perhaps the Vashta Nerada had died out, which would mean she had been gone for quite a while.

She took her sonic out of her pocket and scanned the area. She thought goodbye to her TARDIS and walked away from it, scanning her surroundings to find her way to the large room she had been in last time she was here, which contained part of the computer controls.

Every row in between the shelves seemed to look near identical to the last, the only difference being that the current one seemed longer than the ones she'd already walked by. She didn't mind the distance though, because it gave her more time to think through her plan and prepare what she was going to say in her head.

Hello again. Was that too obvious? Maybe she would smile and hug her. She should say something though. Maybe she should apologise for not coming and saving her sooner. Would that seem too weak and unconfident. Hello sweetie was always an option since it seemed to be the couple's way of saying hi, whilst also making them recognise each other if one had regenerated. That was too predictable though. They always said that to one another, which seemed to make the situation feel underestimated for it's significance.

She decided to think about that later. What about once this was all done? Would they travel together for the rest of their lives? Or would they separate again and meet up every once in a while? That seemed to be the more interesting way of doing it, but the Doctor never wanted River to leave again. It didn't matter anyway, she just wanted to know River was safe, and that she was always going to be there. She just wanted to hear River talk again.

She wanted to hear River's smooth, elegant, intelligent voice again. She wanted to see her beautiful, lively smile. She wanted to hug her, and kiss her. She wanted to smell the familiar scent in her huge curly hair. She wanted to feel those soft curls. She wanted to see that perfect face. She wanted have her wife back.

She wanted a lot of things. However, one thing the Doctor had learnt by now, was that if she wanted something, she would have to get it herself. And that was exactly what she was going to do. She was going to get her wife back.

A/N
It was too sad I had to make it get better lol.