The Diary of Me

the fifth time.

since i was thirteen years old, i had been told i had depression and anxiety. after reading and talking to older people who were formally diagnosed, it didn't sit right with me. i was not anxious. i sometimes had anxiety symptoms but it wasn't extreme, it wasn't enough to be a disorder. i often would "black out" and not remember things for days. i would find myself in situations that i had no idea how i came to be in. i would find myself in bathrooms with white powder around my nose and a disgusting taste going down my throat, i would find myself seeing things and then realize i was under the impression of psychedelics. i would find random bruises and cuts over my body.
the fifth time being institutionalized was a black out. i do not know what happened, my black out ended when i walked out the doors.

i now know the cause of black outs are actually an extreme form of dissociation. this time going to the hospital was different, although i don't know what happened to land me there or how i was treated or acted, it gave me a more in-depth motivation to find out what was wrong with me.

-

i was almost 18, i talked with my counselor about being professionally diagnosed and she advised me to call and see. i did, the wait list to get a psychiatrist evaluation was almost six months long. i made an appointment anyways. 1 month before i left for college, i went into the psychiatrists office. it was a very long process and took about 3 appointments to complete, each being anywhere from 4-6 hours long. fill in the bubble, interviews, and IQ test, an ADHD evaluation, and many other tasks were performed. my family did interviews talking about me— my personality, attitudes, interests, and behaviors. i was extremely close to getting a diagnosis. after everything was completed, the psychiatrist told me she would send my paperwork across the country to many other psychiatrists to review and a diagnosis would come be made that way. it reassured me that multiple professionals would be looking into my mind and any bias would be alleviated.
the day my classes started i got the phone call. i was in my dorm, putting mascara on my eyelashes. the psychiatrist went over the results.

borderine personality disorder. post traumatic stress disorder. anorexia nervosa.

i didn't make it to my very first class of college.