Golden

1

I climbed through my tiny bedroom window and squeezed myself through the cramped, small space. Though it was technically not allowed by my landlord, I frequented my fire escape nearly every night, especially in the summer. It was a perfect spot to look out onto the New York skyline and embrace a blissful escape from the suffocating feeling that often came attached with city life. As I sat down on the first step, I was overcome with an immediate, albeit fleeting, sense of calmness and relief. I breathed in the night - or early morning, rather - air and looked out onto the still bustling city beneath me. Lights illuminated the streets and countless voices and noises still echoed across the streets in all directions, creating a cacophony of sound that traveled all the way up to me on the thirteenth floor. Though traffic was considerably less hectic at this time of night, it was by no means slow. The city, much like me, never really slept.
"Have you been out here all night?"
I cranked my neck back towards the familiar voice coming from inside my apartment window. I smirked, knowing who it was before I laid eyes on his grinning face looking back at me through the opened frame.
"Just got out here actually," I answered, scooting over as much as I could on the narrow fire escape step. I patted the space on the stair next to me lightly and eyed him. "Care to join me?"
"Obviously." He didn't hesitate.
With a quick jump, he lifted his arms above his head and hoisted himself through the small space. He struggled to wiggle his way out of my window, much less gracefully than I had been. His body was practically all limbs and for a split second, I was afraid he was going to get stuck, even though he had done this same maneuver hundreds of times before. The last of his lanky body clumsily collapsed through the window and crashed loudly onto the metal floor. I winced in pain for him, certain everyone in my entire apartment building had heard his fall. Sprawled out at my feet with a wildly contorted body, he looked up at me and smiled widely. "Nailed that landing, didn't I?"
"10 out of 10," I confirmed with an exaggerated eye roll. He bent down to brush the dirt off his high waisted, black trousers, which more than likely cost more than my entire month's rent. He stood up and then checked his fitted red Gucci jacket for marks, along with his white patten leather shoes. Based on his outfit alone, I knew he had been out tonight.
He stretched his arms over his head quickly before taking a seat next to me. He took a deep breath in, trying to get more comfortable on the stiff step. Our knees knocked against each other before he threw his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side tightly. He smelled like expensive cigar smoke and top shelf brandy with just a barely detectable hint of someone else's floral perfume. I felt a pit form in my stomach.
I didn't want to ask where he had been.
I didn't want him to ask where I had been either.
I kept my mouth shut and instead silently relished in his overwhelming presence. If I hadn't already been intoxicated, being this close to him sometimes made my head feel completely detached from the rest of my body.
"This view never gets old, does it?" He nestled deeper into my side. I felt a shiver shoot up my spine even though the air surrounding us was warm.
I shook my head, unable to find any words. The city lights never failed to amaze me from up here.
The company wasn't too bad either.
"Were you in the studio all this time?" He prodded carefully.
I paused. He was concerned about where I was tonight, even if he was trying to avoid being obvious. He was a master at subtlety; but I was a master at reading people. He was no exception, even though he had the ability to put up a nearly unbreakable facade from his many years of rigid media training.
"Some of the night," I replied vaguely as I brushed a stray strand of hair out of my face that the wind had pulled loose. I swallowed hard, gathering all my liquid courage. "What about you? Anything fun?"
"Oh, you know, just hung out around town," He replied, equally vague. He kept his eyes glued forward, unrelenting. "Kind of an uneventful night on the East Side actually."
"Sure." I was skeptical of that. The East Side was never uneventful. We both knew that. And he was Harry Styles; clearly something eventful must have happened.
Harry cocked his head at me playfully, gauging my reaction. "Getting overprotective of my whereabouts now, are we?" He grinned widely, thinking he had one upped me. "Care that much about where I've been tonight, eh?"
I rolled my eyes again, though my stomach flipped inside of me. "You asked me first," I pointed out, smirking back.
"Just to start a conversation," Harry continued teasingly. "You seem...concerned. A little jealous, are we?"
"Not even a little bit," I lied through my teeth, laughing. "Besides - you're the one always coming to my place to check in on me."
Harry put his hand on his mouth in an attempt to shield his smile. His silver rings shined brightly even in the dull lighting of the fire escape. He drummed his fingers lightly across his lips before declaring, "I just prefer your roof view to mine."
"Right." I scoffed.
"I mean it!" Harry lied again. He stretched his arms out in front of us, as if showcasing the city's landscape. "I mean - get a load of this view, right? How could I pass this up?"
"Sure. Your penthouse views from Tribeca aren't nearly as stunning as my shoebox apartment views on my fire escape," I said sarcastically. "Good one."
Harry gently nudged me with his elbow. "I wouldn't really know, considering I'm hardly ever not here."
"You weren't here last night," I said before I could stop myself.
"You weren't here either."
I felt my jaw unhinge itself in surprise for a moment before I quickly regained composure and closed it.
He knew I hadn't been here? Did he know where I had been? Had he really come here himself?
"How did-" I began, but Harry cut me off before I could ask him the question.
"Care for a shot?" He interjected suddenly as he peeled his arm off of me and his hand went into one of his jacket pockets. He carefully pulled out two vodka nips from his coat and offered me one. Before I could inquire about how he obtained them, he explained, "A lovely bartender gave me these as a parting gift tonight as I was leaving. It would be bad luck not to drink them, right?"
So he was at a bar, I thought to myself, slowly trying to silently piece together his night without flat out asking him. I always played this game. I always won this game. Tonight would be no different.
"It would be a shame to waste them," I agreed, throwing him a bone and deciding to drop the previous subject of whether or not he stopped by last night. I hadn't been here, we both (possibly) knew that. I tried not pay attention to Harry's cheeks that had turned a deep shade of red when he realized he had revealed too much to me.
I took one of the tiny bottles from him. Our fingers brushed ever so slightly and I felt hot electricity surge through my veins as I pulled my hand back slowly.
"Cheers," Harry said as we both uncapped the drinks. He winked at me before we downed the shots as quickly as we could.
The drink immediately warmed me and caused my face to flush. I felt like I was in a dreamy haze as I licked the liquor from my lips. My eyes took their time focusing as I glanced up at Harry who was continuing to look out onto the glittering skyline in front of us.
"What a view," Harry sighed again. His voice sounded far away even though he was right next to me.
"Mmmm." I hugged my knees and pulled them to my chest, curling into myself and feeling the exhaustion creep in.
I couldn't remember the last time I had slept; the days and nights all blending together in one, innocuous blur. The nightmares had lately kept me awake at all hours, for days on end. Even if I dared to close my eyes for a moment, my mind was infiltrated by terror and all consuming darkness. I knew exhaustion would overtake me soon enough, and I would wake in a pool of sweat and panic; so I forced my eyes to remain open and take in the moment.
I was content.
For now.
So many years, too many tears,
Begging 'til my knees bled
I felt my mind begin to wander. I remembered the first day I had arrived in New York City. It felt so long ago. And it was. I was a different person.
I gave it my all, he gave me nothing at all
Then wondered why I left
I hardly had anything in my bag that I had brought with me. I had left and arrived in a hectic, desperate blur. I didn't tell anyone where I was or why I had left. I had ignored countless phone calls and messages, not ready to confess the truth.
Now he sits on his throne in his palace of bones
Praying to his greed
It was the dead of winter in the midst of a blizzard. Everything around me was engulfed in a blanket of frozen white. I wandered the streets aimlessly in a shocked and overwhelmed daze. Snow fell from the dark sky, piercing my tear-streaked face. I had no where to go. I had no one to turn to. I was a stranger to everyone here. I was a stranger even to myself.
He's got my past frozen behind glass
But I've got me
My lungs couldn't hold any air in them. Every time I tried to inhale, I would end up choking. The tightness in my chest was almost too much to bear. I was suffocating.
That old familiar body ache
The snaps from the same little breaks in my soul
I know when it's time to go
"What're you thinking about?" Harry asked me suddenly, pulling me back to reality from my vivid memories that had consumed me once again.
I blinked at him. An all too familiar constriction in my chest hitched my breath.
"Nothing," I lied as I broke his gaze, shaking my head, feeling dazed. Everything around me was spinning.
"You look tired," he noted in a low voice, furrowing his brows at me and studying my face.
"Well it is 4 in the morning," I reasoned flatly. I felt panic start to form in my chest. My heart was thundering so loudly against my rib cage, I thought for a moment that Harry would be able to hear it.
I changed the subject. "Uh, busy day tomorrow?"
Harry didn't reply right away, seemingly wondering whether or not to press me on my hidden thoughts. After a beat, he answered, "I have a day off surprisingly. Nothing planned."
"I'm sure you'll find something to do," I said slowly, keeping my voice even though breathing was still difficult. I swallowed hard, pushing down the slow creeping anxiety in the back of my throat.
"Can I stay here tonight?"
I turned to face him. He was staring directly at me, watching me intently for my response.
"You don't have to ask," I told him, though I could feel my face flush deeply at his request.
"I didn't know if you were expecting any other other company tonight," Harry coolly replied. "I didn't want to impose or ruin your plans."
I laughed, feeling the tightness in my chest loosen a bit. "Not tonight."
I liked having his mind wander about me. It was a fun game and a welcomed change of control in our ever fluctuating power dynamic.
Harry nodded curtly, though his mouth turned upwards into a small smile. "Well played. I'm not usually the jealous type, but that..." Harry tipped his empty nip bottle at me. "That got me." He quickly licked his lips.
I knew it was the alcohol talking, but I grinned nonetheless.
"I think I need another drink." He stood up suddenly and offered his hand to me. "Care to join?"
"Considering it's my apartment, I guess I have to oblige." I took his hand in mine.
He pulled me to my feet a little too quickly and immediately I lost my balance. I collapsed against his chest as his arms wrapped tightly around my back to keep me upright and standing. I silently thought he had planned this.
"You're not usually this clumsy," he told me, feigning suspicion. He was a mere inch away from my face. I could smell the sweet liquor on his breath. I had to remind myself to breathe. "Are you nervous about me spending the night?" He winked playfully, still holding me.
"You spend the night all the time," I reminded him. I prayed he couldn't feel the rapid pounding of my heart.
And each time I'm nervous, I added silently.
Harry's grin widened and his grip on me released. I felt my body go cold at the absence of his touch, but quickly shook the thought from my mind. He nodded to the window. "Ladies first."
I maneuvered past him and hiked up one of my legs through the frame. Before I could lift myself up, I felt Harry's hands grasp my sides tightly, hoisting me into the air. I gasped in surprise just as he was saying, "Let me help. It's a steep jump for your short legs."
He knew was he was doing. I had never needed help before.
I shimmied the rest of my way through the opened window and landed safely back in my apartment. I rose to my feet, feeling dizzy. I pressed my hands against my flushed cheeks, gaping at how warm I was. My breath was staggered and jagged. I couldn't seem to steady myself.
"Coming through!" Harry shouted just before crashing through the window himself. He landed once again ungracefully sprawled on the floor at my feet.
He peered up at me, beaming.
"You're something else, Harry."
I really meant it.