Stormy Summer

A Warm Feeling

Bokuto didn't mention it again for the next few weeks. He didn't treat me any different either. If I didn't know any better, I would've thought that it didn't happen at all.

Maybe he changed his mind?

I was about to go up the stairs to the tribunes to watch the practice, but I bumped into Rose who stopped suddenly.

"You two go on ahead," she said to Anna and Charlie, "I need to talk to Summer about something," the two of them then walked past us and up the stairs, looking our way worriedly. Rose turned to look at me expectantly.

"So?" she urged.

"So what?"

"Have you talked to him yet? A few weeks have passed now..." she specified.

"I thought that maybe..." I trailed off.

"Maybe what? Maybe he changed his mind?" Rose rolled her eyes and I could feel myself become slightly agitated.

"Or maybe he forgot about it..." I muttered, avoiding eye contact. Rose scoffed, "Are you serious right now?"

"Well... he hasn't brought it up since then..."

"That's because he doesn't want to pressure you too much, Summer."

I really didn't want to have this conversation right now, "Isn't it better this way, anyway?" I asked as I tried to walk past Rose and up the stairs.

Rose grabbed my collar and pulled me back, "What the hell is wrong with you? How would that be any better?" she seemed to have lost her composure altogether as she shoved me back against the gym's wall, "Why are you so selfish? At least tell him!" she was nearly screaming in my face, her face red from her anger.

Why is she so angry about this, anyway? It's best this way, isn't it?

"We're leaving, Rose!" I shouted back, "It's not even a year from now! We're just exchange students!"

"And what? You're just looking out for him? Doing what's best for him?" she snarled.

"Yes, I am! It would only end up hurting more once we leave. It's better this way."

"That's a lie, and you know it is," she scoffed, "You're not doing this to protect his feelings, but yours!" she sighed in exasperation, "Have you considered your answer once he approaches you again? It would only be fair to him if you'd at least give him an actual answer..." her voice lowered, "don't tell me you didn't because you thought that he'd just 'get over it' once you don't address it anymore?"

"..."

"Are you going to reject him?" she pressed on.

"..." I don't know whether I could... It would be better if I did but... How do you reject someone without hurting them?

"You know he might want a reason, right?"

That's right... What would I even tell him?

'I'm sorry but I don't see you that way'?

Wouldn't that be a lie?

"Summer..." Rose shook me slightly, "Do you have a decision? What do you want to do? You know fully well that you can't just ignore it..."

"I won't know that unless I try..." I mumbled. I'm just fooling myself at this point. I know Rose is right but... How would I even bring up the subject?

Rose sighed deeply, "Do you like him?" she forced me to look at her directly, "And be honest now."

"I... don't know..." it won't be true unless I admit it to myself, right? But didn't I already... "I might..."

"Then what's stopping you?" Rose gradually let go of my collar, "Why are you so scared?"

"I'm not scared..." my protest was weak.

"Then what is it?"

"What if he changes his mind later on? What if he realizes that he doesn't feel that way after all? Then I'd be left feeling like this and..."

"Do you think he would do such a thing?"

"How would I know? We've been here for two months... How would I know what he might do and what he won't do?"

"You won't know unless you try, right?" Rose used my own words.

I hesitated for a moment, "You go on ahead... I need time to think about all of this..."

Rose seemed uncertain whether she should go inside or not, "I'll be fine... I won't take long," Rose nodded and slowly made her way up the stairs.

For a moment I didn't even move an inch.

It might have been minutes between the door clicking shut and me going around to the back of the gym.

I leaned against the wall and slowly slid down into a crouching position.

Just what am I doing with my life?

Rose was right. I'm just lying to myself at this point. I already know how I feel. I have for longer than I'd like to admit. I'm just too scared to acknowledge it. Because what would I do if he realizes that I'm just this weak little girl, hiding behind the gym to try and escape her problems?

Pathetic.

I'm so pathetic.

I need to stop stalling.

I rested my head on my knees and closed my eyes. Right now, I need to think about my options and what I'm going to do.

There are two obvious options: Rejection, or acceptance.

But then what?

I've never had to reject someone, much less a friend of mine...

I've also never had a boyfriend before...

This whole situation and my lack of experience are just so frustrating... If I'd at least know how to address the topic...

I felt even more pitiful as I sat crouched down behind the gym and silently cried into my arms on my knees. So pathetic. Who would cry about such a thing?

Maybe I'm still sick? I don't usually cry this much...

I've been crying so much lately that I'm surprised that my eyes haven't dried out yet...

I just wish I had someone I could ask for advice in situations like this...

I don't know how long I had been behind the gym but my tears had long since dried out when a hand on my shoulder had me nearly jumping out of my skin. I didn't dare glance up at whoever was in front of me. I must look awful after crying for god knows how long.

"Sally?" immediately, I recognized that concerned voice.

Oh no.

Why did it have to be him?

"Are you okay? What are you doing back here?"

I forgot that the gym had a backdoor... It was usually closed... They probably just opened it because of how warm it had gotten these past weeks...

"Don't you have practice right now?" I cringed at how hoarse my voice sounded.

"We're on a break right now. What happened?"

"..." When I didn't answer, he sighed and sat down next to me, slightly leaning on me in the process.

Why does he have to be so kind?

Anyone would have left by now.

He's not going to stay for long though... He's gonna have to go back to practice at some point... If I just stay quiet until then...

"You've been crying," it wasn't a question. Was it that obvious?

Am I that obvious?

"Sally..." Bokuto rested his hand on the back of my head and slowly massaged my scalp.