Learning to Swim

28 | confusions

The first thing Jay saw upon gaining consciousness was Justin sitting beside him on a chair, looking at his phone. His legs were perched up on the edge of Jay's bed, and he was leaning against the chair beside Jay's bed. His head hung low as he concentrated on whatever he was doing on his phone.

As Jay looked around, he saw the machine attached to his bed, and the tube going inside of him through his nose. He vaguely remembered seeing the room before, but he didn't recall when or where.

It felt like déjà vu.

He looked back at Justin, who was still on his phone. He hadn't realized that Jay had woken up. Jay tried calling out his name, but it was as though he had lost his voice. Only a feeble sound escaped his lips.

But the sound seemed enough to make Justin jump up from his seat, put his legs down, and look up at him all at the same time. The expression on Justin's face was one he had never seen. It held vulnerability, surprise, and joy at the same time.

If he weren't in a hospital bed and felt more energetic, Jay would've burst out laughing,

"You're okay," he whispered, standing up. For a moment, he stood there with his hands over his mouth, awe-struck at seeing Jay awake.

Then he blinked.

All of a sudden, Jay noticed that tears were brimming in his friend's eyes. It was an uncomfortable sight given that Justin didn't usually get emotional at seeing Jay awake.

He didn't have time to react.

A second later, Justin hugged him so tight that it was as though Jay couldn't breathe again. But he didn't think Justin could hear him, given that he was crying while he hugged Jay. Justin's entire body was shaking as he hugged Jay, making the latter shake alongside him. He felt tears spring up into his own eyes as he heard Justin sob.

"Justin, I'm okay, relax," he finally said, his voice still hoarse, patting his friend gently on his back, although he had a vague recollection of what happened. He wasn't sure why Justin just broke down, seeing him awake.

Nevertheless, he felt guilty at making his friend cry the way he was.

Justin let him go, but Jay looked to see him still crying. Jay gave him a cautious look, before gingerly placing his hand on Justin's back, awkwardly patting it.

"I hate you," Justin told him, sniffling and wiping his tears. "Why would you-" he broke off before he could complete the sentence.

Why would I what? What had I done?

As he composed himself, all Jay could do was stare at him with confusion. He had a vague recollection of the events that led up to now. All he could remember were a few rough memories in the room, a weird dream with Adi in it, and a fight with his parents.

When Jay voiced his lack of memory, Justin gave him a confused look. "You mean you don't- you don't remember anything?"

"I remember having a terrible headache and feeling sick. I think I also fought with my parents sometime that day." The more he spoke, the more exhausted he fell. But he was scared that if he told Justin that right then, Justin would break down yet again.

"You overdosed," Justin said, his voice small, and he avoided Jay's gaze. He looked like talking about it physically hurt him. "And then I think you called Jamie, and she called 911."

There was a silence as Jay absorbed those words, a few more memories coming back to him. His dream with Adi made more sense to him now.

It was strange to him that he had overdosed. He had so many questions. So many things he was unsure about. So many things which he needed clarity on.