Learning to Swim

epilogue | a conversation

Jamie squeezed Jay's hands, making him look at her. She had concern swimming all over her eyes. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll survive," Jay said, giving her a tight-lipped smile. "I'll call you once I'm done, yeah?"

She nodded at that. He opened the car door, leaving.

They had come to the water body where Adi's ashes had been thrown.

It had been Jamie's idea. She had suggested that she visited his grave after Adi's graduation ceremony. He had explained how Hindus don't bury the dead, and instead, they cremate the body before throwing that ashes into a body of water.

Then she had suggested visiting the place where the ashes were strewn.

Jay had gone quiet, telling her he'll think about it. He'd talked about it with his therapist, who had thought it wasn't a bad idea.

It had been seven months after all. His therapist had suggested that maybe he could write down on a piece of paper that he wanted to say.

"Think about it like a conversation," Ahmaud, his therapist, had said. "You're catching Adi up on everything that has happened in the last few months. You're telling him about what's going on at home, with your friends, with Jamie. You're telling him about your graduation."

He had thought it was a stupid idea to write it out.

Here he was, on the day Adi was supposed to have graduated, with a folded piece of paper on his hand.

Once Jamie left, Jay made his way to the shore.

He sat down, bending his knees, the damp sand attaching itself to his feet. Occasionally a few waves of water would creep up to his toes before immediately getting absorbed by the sand.

"Hey," Jay said. He unfolded the paper, ignoring how his fingers shook. "This is weird, but still here we are."

He took in a deep breath before exhaling. "You were supposed to graduate today. And I graduated yesterday. Remember when all four of us sat down during summer and planned on how to make this work? We had decided that you would come home for my graduation. We'd celebrate, have fun, and then leave early the next morning for your one. I think we made a time-stamp too of what we would do every hour. We were so extra.

"Well, that didn't work out. So here I am," Jay chuckled, ignoring the heaviness on his chest. He took in another deep breath.

"Mamma also got a promotion last month. So that's huge. She doesn't travel as much now. I think she hates not traveling. She doesn't know what to do with herself at home for so long. Neither do Baba and I. In a way, it's good that I'm not going away to college this year, you know?

"They'll be bored out of their mind without me. And I'm not as nice as you. I'd probably not come back as frequently as you did. I'd leave for good and visit only on holidays, and then they'd be lonely and sad." he swallowed, before letting a shaky breath out.

He looked down at the page. The blurry letters that he saw made him realize that he had tears rolling down his cheeks. He didn't bother wiping them, knowing that they'd soon be replaced by more even if he did.

He sniffled, continuing. "Justin committed to Pomona College. Remember when the three of us went to check Pomona out my sophomore year? Who knew he'd end up going there now. He kept saying that he wouldn't get in and how hard it was, but how he hoped he could go there. He deserves it. He's even dating this fantastic guy called Phil. They're perfect for each other.

"And Izzy," Jay said, letting out a laugh. "Izzy got into Yale. Yale. We had all gone bowling together when she got in. She screamed so loudly that Dave dropped the pinball on his hand. But it's still so cool that I can brag about having a friend who goes to an Ivy League college.

"And Dave got into UC Santa Barbara. It's for Division I swimming. He quit football. I didn't know he was that amazing until he told us that he was signing the contract. He got to know when I was in the hospital, but he didn't tell us until the last week of December. The entire vibe suits him, you know? A chill guy who is also very hard-working."

The smile that had crept on his face as he talked about his friends wiped off, and Jay bit his lips to avoid letting out a sob.

He had known this would be hard. But he hadn't realized just how much.

"I'm dating this amazing girl named Jamie. She's fucking amazing. She's so smart, so pretty, so outspoken. She's just ... Jamie. She helped me a lot with you. After I ended up in the hospital and everything. She's the best. She goes to community college, too. And she just signed this guaranteed transfer contract for UCLA, so she'll be gone next year.

"I talked to your roommate yesterday. I drove up to your campus with Jamie. He was... he cried when he saw me. I looked way too much like you apparently. It was my fault. I should've called him before going. I would be surprised also if someone who looked almost identical to you knocked on my door."

Jay squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the hotness of the tears rolling down his cheeks. He sniffled, using the sleeve of his shirt to wipe them off.

"Anyway, he got into that master's program for journalism. He was telling me that he was so sure that you would've gotten in too, and then you guys had this plan to rent an apartment together at UMich. But yeah, we caught up. We even exchanged numbers, but knowing me we'll probably talk like once a year."

Jay's chest physically hurt now. A sob escaped his lips before he could help it, and before he knew it, he was having a full-fledged breakdown right there on the beach. He buried his head between his knees, squeezing his eyes shut. There was a pit on his stomach that had been growing bigger as he spoke.

But he had to continue. This was important.

He straightened his back, looking back at the waves. The sun had begun to set. It was still relatively high up in the sky, but the sky around it had started turning an orangish-yellow color. The water reflected the same too.

"I hate this," he blurted out, instead of what he had written out. "I really really want you here. I miss you so much. I hate living without you here. It doesn't- It doesn't feel right. I hate that you didn't graduate. I hate that you didn't see me graduate. Mamma and Baba and were saying how proud you would be of me, and I-" Jay's voice cracked, and he took in another deep breath.

"I just hate all of this. It doesn't get less hard at all. It's been seven months, and it still hurts so much."

Jay paused at that, looking into the setting sun. A reddish tone slowly repaced the yellow in the sky, making the water reflection change.

"Whatever you say, that's up to you," Ahmaud had said. "But what's important is that you end positively. If not positively, then at least hopefully."

"But I'm doing better now. We're doing better now. Therapy helped, which was surprising. I even got off meds last week, so that's good. Mamma and Baba are doing better too.

"Sometimes, I hate that I'm doing better. I keep thinking that I shouldn't be doing better. But my therapist keeps saying that you'd be happy to see us doing well. To seeing us not be a fucking mess. And I think he's right."

That's where he had ended last night. He hadn't known what else to write, and so he had just finished it there.

"I don't know what else to say. So..." he trailed off, watching the sun leave the sky disappearing within the shoreline.

"I love you, Adi, and I miss you so so much," his voice shook as he spoke, but he didn't stop. "And I hope you're proud of me. I'm trying to do my best so that you're proud of me."

The last of the sun disappeared, leaving behind the reddish-orange sky.

Jay smiled, tears still rolling down his face.

"Congratulations, Adi, on graduating."

THE END

i'm crying so hard. okay bye.

Thanks for reading,

- Rishika :)