Learning to Swim

22 | anger

Jay's vision narrowed at the grade on the top of his test, hoping that staring at it could morph it into a better grade.

C.

A C.

A fucking C.

He had received a C in AP Calculus. He couldn't believe it. He had never achieved anything less than a B minus his entire school life, and yet here he was with a C in his first semester of senior year.

What made matters worse was that his finals started in three weeks.

How could he do well on the final, given that he had received a C on the review test? And if he failed the class, how would he graduate? Would he even graduate? What if he ended up being a high school dropout? How embarrassed would his parents be?

He momentarily paused his spiraling, in response to his phone buzzing on his back pocket.

Izzy: Heyyy. How did you do?

Izzy: You look like you've seen a ghost.

Jay briefly glanced at the messages Izzy sent him, before looking towards her. She was seated on the second row while he was on the fourth row. She was looking back, raising her eyes at him.

He responded to her by slicing his hand over his neck, a blank expression on his face. She returned it with a deadpan expression, before looking down on her phone.

His phone buzzed.

Izzy: I'm sure it's not that bad. What grade did you get?

Jay: Yep. It is. I got a C.

She looked up, pouting briefly before going back to texting.

Izzy: I mean, that's not that bad. Relax! You're really smart, you'll be fine in the final!!

Jay sighed as he looked at the message, rolling his eyes. Just to appease her, he flashed her a smile. Satisfied by her work, Izzy turned around, going back to talking to the girl next to her.

But he continued staring at the back of her head. Sometimes Izzy reminded him of who he was before Adi died. Granted that she was always way more accomplished than he would ever be and was a super-genius who could multitask and somehow never get exhausted. But other than that, they were pretty similar.

But now nothing in his life was the way it was supposed to be. He used to be healthy and fit. And now he was barely awake and aware most of the time. He used to always be good at class and attentive. And now he had a B in all his classes and hadn't started most of his college applications. He used to be the soccer team captain. And now he had been kicked out of the team. He used to be a good friend. And now he was grumpy and annoying to the point his friends had stopped telling him things they were bothered by. He used to be relatively happy. And now all his emotions seemed to have become numb.

Everything in his life was out of control. And nothing he could do seemed to be fixing it. It was as though his entire life was slowly falling, and even though he could see it happen in front of him, he could stop it.

All because he had killed Adi.

***

"Jay?" He jerked up to see Izzy frowning at him.

He raised his eyes at that. "What did you ask?"

"What do you want me to order?" she repeated, flashing him a smile. "We're ordering dinner. My treat."

"Oh, um I don't know," he shrugged. "Not very hungry. I'm cool with anything."

At his response, Izzy frowned. He could almost sense her next question. "Are you sure you're feeling okay, Jay?"