𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥 ━ 𝐣𝐣 𝐨𝐛𝐱

part thirty seven

hannah's pov

i felt like i was some kind of princess locked in a tower as i looked out of of the glass doors of my balcony and gazed at the view. it was a stupid analogy but it's exactly how it seemed because i felt trapped.

i wanted to see him but it never seemed like the right time, and the words i thought of in my head never seemed like the right words to say to him.

everything felt bitter sweet in the moment. i was happy to see jj's face the moment john b and sarah had come out of the car. i felt like a weight had been lifted off of me, like john b and sarah were some sort of secret i was keeping even though jj knew about them.

it felt like that a lot during the entirety of the two weeks that the john b and sarah had to wait in my house until they could reunite with their friends. it just felt like i was keeping another thing from jj, like i was just fucking everything up again.

i know that's drastic of me to even think but it was the truth of how i felt in that moment. the sky was empty, of clouds and of birds, and even the sunlight felt cold that peaked through my window.

i was lost in my thoughts when i heard a knock at my door. i whipped my head around to see the blonde boy that i couldn't seem to get off my mind, standing there right in front of me.

"hey," the boy whispered.

"jesus you scared me," i breathed out, holding a hand to my chest and feeling my rapid heartbeat.

"oh uh sorry," he muttered, "your dad let me in."

"oh," is all i could say back to the boy. the tension was thick in the room as we stood in silence, knee deep. i could feel the fear in my chest, about the words that might be soon spoken. the tight feeling just sat like an angry ball, propelling towards me an anxiety i didn't need.

"i just um," jj began, "i thought we should talk."

"ok," i said in a voice so soft i'm sure he could barely hear it. i let out a slow controlled breath and attempted to loosen my limbs before sitting down on my bed and gesturing for him to do the same.

my legs were crossed, pretzel style, and i placed my hands on my lap, fiddling with my fingers as i always did when i was nervous.

"are you.. are you okay? i know it's probably been hard for you having to process all of this and take everything in. and i know how much-" i rambled on.

"hannah," he said softly, cutting me off with a small smile on his face.

"sorry," i muttered.

"i'm.." he began, "i'm okay. i'm good."

"good," i said. all i wanted for him was to be happy.

at this point it seemed like silence was the only thing we knew. the dreadful quietness being the only thing that connected us in the moment.  

"hannah," he called and i looked up instantly into the bright blue eyes that i had missed so much. "i'm so sorry."

"what?" i breathed out, stunned by his words. what did he have to be sorry for?

"you made a mistake hannah," he said, gazing at me with pained eyes. "but we all make mistakes. hell, do you know how many mistakes i've made in my life?"

"jj"

"a thousand, i've made a thousand mistakes.." he trailed off for a moment. "and letting you go was my biggest one so far."

i instantly looked down at my hands again after hearing his words. the nausea swirled unrestrained in my empty stomach and my head swam with half-formed regrets.