A kiss is still a kiss....

Anxiety

      I'm Olivor and I have a huge crush on this guy Toni. We work at the same place and I never grew the courage to talk to him I'd always see him making tiktok and talking to other workers and I was always to nervous to talk. I keep telling myself he's a human being. Like me...but it's not easy. His eyes his smile and hi- just him.  He's unbearable. But I have trust and relationship issues because of the past.
    But today I decided was the day to walk up to him and talk to him. I slowly walk up to him...fiddling with my hands trying not to freak out. I stand behind him and tap his shoulder he turns around and smiles.
   " uhm ehm hi uhm you probably already know my name but I am Olivor"
  " oh I know you I have seen you hanging up clothes and working well with customers you already know my name no need for me to mention u-"
  The manager calls for Toni.
   "Sorry this is gonna have to wait maybe we can talk after?"
  " uh sure if I don't leave by then"
  "Just stay as long as you can please"
" I'll try my shift is almost over"
  He quickly goes into the back room to help our manager and I stand there for twenty minutes. I cannot wait I have to leave. I leave him a note and leave. I walk to my car and drive home and feed my lizard. Skully.
   I wrap my hands around the back of my neck and sigh and walk to the living room as I take my shoes off I start to feel something as I reimagine his smile and eyes in my head from the first day I met him to now. We do not live to far from each other i have seen him outside with his dog playing with him I have attempted to walk up to the gate but just walked inside instead.
  I am supposed to call my friend Bobbi but I am just not feeling it. I plop on the couch and lay there and think to myself...
   * you stupid idiot you could of at least asked for his snap god dammit* I sit up and go outside in my back yard and see him outside. I gain courage to walk up to his gate. His dog barks.
   " calm down Grady"
He walks up to the gate.
  "Got your message on the desk... I am not mad... wish you could've stayed longer."
  " heh.. yea.. but I really did have to leave my friend Ollie picked me up I didn't want to make him wait"
  " nah your good... do you want to come in" 
  I fiddle my hands.
   " come in it'll be fun I promise"
    I slowly start to walk but hesitantly smile. But this is a big move.. But I go for it I walk in and pet his dog.
  "That's Grady.. he's friendly do not worry"
I smile up at him and pet the dog.
  " He's beautiful"
I blush. I feel his smile.
    " Thanks"
I stand up and look at him.
  " Earlier at work I was going to ask you for your snap but you got called back and I chickened out and had to leave I am sorry"
He smiles.
  " here you go.. and please don't be sorry it is okay u understand...but can I ask you something"
We sit in the grass.
"Sure"
"Do you live alone?"
" yes...actually I do... right over there with my lizard Skully"
"May I ask why I mean your seventeen.... you should still be in school how do you do it"
I play with the grass.
    " Actually I uh graduated early and moved out because I couldn't stand my parents sometimes. I love them yes but they get annoying... I originally came from Illinois . Than I saw pictures of Portland and it seemed cute so I decided to move here so I have been here for almost a year."
    " Oh... makes sense... it sucks living alone I mean I have friends come over and I have Grady but sometimes it is not enough"
  " yea"
I look on my phone after hours of talking.
     " I should be heading home it's getting late and I am hungry and I am pretty sure Skully is too"
I stand up and put my phone away. Toni stands up after me.
  " uhm see you tomorrow then??"
I smile.
  " yes"
I get up and walk home I try not to smile the whole way home. I go home make dinner and go to bed.
My alarm goes off for work. I walk over to my closet and choose something to wear.

                                    ~

I walk downstairs and grab my bookbag and start walking to work. I got a snap from Toni.
* see ya at work*
I smile and continue walking and listening to music and get to work. It takes me at least thirty minutes to get to work. My heart is literally pounding  right now. I think about yesterday actually having a full on conversation with Toni... my crush I have liked for a while...ever since I moved to portland actually.

I think to myself...
  * alright you did good yesterday...do not screw things up. Olivor I am trusting you dammit just don't*
I get to work and I see Toni with our manager who is amazing by the way. He looks over at me and smiles. I wave and smile and walk over to him.
  " hey... uh yesterday thanks for letting me in your yard and uhm talking to me... I do not talk to many people"
   " your good I enjoyed it... Grady seems to live you a lot"
   " I love him to he's cute"
He puts his hand on the back of his neck.
   " Wanna hang out later....again?"
I smile and fiddle with my sweater and nod.
   " mhm"
  " neat.. awesome I'll see you there."
I slowly walk away and go to the back of the back of the room to grab the new releases and put them on display. My manager elbows me softly in the shoulder.
   " gotta crush?"
I look at her. My face red.
  " k-kinda in a way I- I have liked him since I moved here"
  " is that why you were never able to talk to him"
I look at her.
  " how- yes that is why I have bad anxiety... but I gained the courage yesterday by walking up to his house"
  " you guys hanging out later"
  " y- yes"
She smiles and walks away and I nervously put the clothes on the mannequins and fold them and put them on the tables.
Hours later my lunch break arrives and I quickly walk out and go to mcdonalds. And see Toni there. I blush and try not to smile.
  He looks behind and smiles.
I think to myself...
  * why do you give me that smile your eyes and smile ugh*
I walk up to him and put my hand on his shoulder.