Xavier (Sugar Baby 2) ✔️

twentieth: armed

I woke up to the smell of melted cheese.

My nose had always remained super sharp, something that came in handy in my line of business. I opened my eyes and figured that I had fallen asleep, leaning on the armrest of the couch. Gray had covered me with a blanket while I slept. I snuggled into it, gazing ahead, wondering where he was.

As if on cue, he walked out of the kitchen, holding a food-laden tray with two steaming cups on it. He smiled softly at me. "Goodmorning, love."

My heart lurched painfully in my chest. I had been half-naked in bed with another man a few hours ago. I didn't deserve his kindness. I managed to give him a soft smile. "Goodmorning."

He set the tray on the tabled and came closer to me, leaning down to kiss the top of my head. I shut my eyes at the action, my stomach churning in guilt. "You hungry?"

I rose to my feet and walked to the bathroom, washing my face and mouth. I gazed dismally into the mirror as last night's events returned to me. I shuddered slightly. I felt like a sinner. I knew I was one. Not telling him was killing me. I felt like I had a hot dagger stuck in my heart. But the thought of telling him was equally terrifying. Whatever Caleb and I had, had reached too far now. 

Even the thought of Caleb made me want to curl into a ball and cry. I didn't hate him. I didn't love him. In all honesty, I knew I was still attracted to him. And somehow, all these feelings were tearing me apart more and more till I felt like I was suffocating. 

Each of my steps weighed me down when I finally walked out of the bathroom. We sat on the couch and ate silently. I was aware of him studying me intently. I knew he was impatient to know what had got me here in the first place. I took a deep breath as I finished the last bite of my sandwich and finally looked at him. He had a carefully careless look as he took a sip of the tea. I gazed into his familiar green eyes, my stomach clenched nervously. I had to tell him. He deserved that much.

"I..." I took a shuddering breath, my words dying in my throat. Why was it suddenly so difficult to tell him what had happened?

He gazed at me curiously, prodding. "Xaby?"

I could tell him and let him make the decision of whether he wanted to stay with me. But it had just been a kiss. 

No. It hadn't. What I had done crossed all the lines. I shuddered to think if I would have slept with him, had I not had a blackout at the last moment. He placed his hand on mine and I shivered at the familiar contact. Guilt racked my insides. It was difficult to speak. I felt alone all of a sudden. Burdened by a dirty lie. I would hurt him whether I decided to keep it to myself, or whether I decided to tell him.

"Xaby, what happened? You suddenly came here at three in the morning. It has to be som-"

"It...it was nothing," I shook my head. The words spilling out before I could wrap my head around them. "Just...a stupid disagreement that kind of escalated to a brawl."

My heart constricted painfully. Why the fuck was I lying?

His eyes darkened. "Who was it? Did they hurt you?"

I shook my head and took another sip of the coffee. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I bring myself to tell him the truth? It had always been so easy, to be honest with him. Why was it so difficult now?

Somewhere deep inside me, I knew the answer.

I was afraid if I told Gray that I had been attacked on my way out of the university, he would freak out. I was almost sure he would stop me from going back to the university. Ask me to study via distance learning until the culprits were apprehended. And I hated the thought to keep waiting for Gray like a lost puppy. Revulsion ravaged my insides at my next thought.