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35 :: saying always & being okay

ah 3 more chapters until the
epilogue ): BUT THIS IS THE LAST SAD
CHAPTER I PROMISE IM SICK OF IT TOO

trigger ⚠️  suicidal thoughts &
implications of an attempt

♡♡♡

"There's nothing to talk about," Jeongguk whispered softly, staring at the gray ceiling that seemed to have become a routine since the last few days he had been at the hospital. It was all he had now, anyways.

It had all been a blur, really. A dream that had become this inescapable nightmare that seemed to have consumed him whole, and what escape he imagined practically impossible at this point.

There was not much to say, except it happened. It happened, and here he was, lying down on a hospital bed, surrounded by four, gray plaster walls, and his knee unrecognizable before him.

Oh, and he surely didn't forget that his dreams were practically fucking destroyed.

Yes, he was devastated, yet he tried to focus on the pain medication making his head all fuzzy because it was slightly more tolerable to ignore everything than face reality. Yes, he felt so fucking numb he couldn't dare to move, for he was fragile enough to shatter with a blink of an eye.

And yes, he knew damn well what this meant, how horrible it was, and the damage that would continue to haunt him forever if this was the end.

He didn't need some doctor to tell him in terms he couldn't understand, or his family, who he refused to see, soften their pitiful expressions and break it down to him like he was some child that every single thing he ever worked for was shoved down the drain.

Jeongguk was aware, too painfully aware, that this happened, and there was no emotion, no word, and no sensation to even start to describe how he felt.

Maybe call it emptiness. Call it devastation. Call it whatever the fuck you wanted to, but it would never be enough.

He would never feel enough ever again.

"I'm not leaving this room until I know you're okay," Hyejung said, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm not gonna leave you, Gguk."

"You should though," He replied, licking his chapped lips, teeth grazing the cracked skin. "M'not gonna do anything if that's what you're worried about."

"You think I'm here to make sure you won't kill yourself? Jeongguk, it's more than that. I'm here because I know how bad it hurts," She countered.

"M'not here to pity you. M'not here to make you feel worse. M'here so you know that you have someone."

Jeongguk swallowed dryly, the words he wanted to say dying in his throat, for they no longer held any sort of meaning anymore so really, it was pointless to even speak. He grasped at the sheets at his sides, fingers gripping them in tight bunches.

His sister said his name again, more meaningless words, but he managed to drown her out with the static buzzing in his ears and let himself fall further into this void.

Every inch of him lost its purpose, he guessed. All his passion was cooped inside of him, growing and thriving, but now, he was merely an empty vessel. His purpose gone like the rest of his own feelings.