The Random Scribblings of an Underconfident Writer.

Lack of Motivation

10/07/24

I destroyed my oldest WIP multiple times in the past few years, and it's been so hard to get back to it.

Why don't people talk more about the pains of being a writer? Sure, there are memes and tips and all that, but how can we use that to dig us out of such a deep rut?

I used to write so much. I used to have so many ideas. Now....

I just wake up, play video games, and go back to bed.

I have no passion, right now. I'm too scared to touch anything. I haven't listened to music to inspire me in ages, it feels like. I haven't opened a word document in months. I completely abandoned a fanfiction, right as people were starting to pick up on it and love it.

My biggest novel that I was focused on I've been too scared to touch before I have every detail figured out. But the problem? I can't figure out the details. It's just the same scenes, playing over and over in my head. And idk how I'm going to make everything work anymore.

I deleted so many old WIPs I created over the past 11 years because I finally accepted the fact that they're not strong enough to be their own books. Some I still stubbornly cling to, though. I don't know if I'll ever go back to them.

There's too much to think about but my brain can't handle it. I want to write—to feel that surge of inspiration again—but I'm so stuck. I feel so lost and empty without being able to write.

Imposter syndrome is real, and it's been hitting me a lot lately. I kind of think that's what really destroyed my motivation to continue. It's one thing to tell yourself that you're not good enough—that what you've created could be so much better—but it's another thing when someone points out the tiniest flaw in your plot when you've already been doubting yourself, and you just unravel right then and there.

I think that's what screwed me over months back, and I've been tentative about trying to write anything truly important ever since.

I don't want to fail. I know I could do so much better, but I don't know how. So to save myself from the sting of failure, I just don't try.

Isn't self-sabotage beautiful?

I don't even read anymore. I used to feel so much joy, devouring entire novels in a matter of hours. But lately, I get jealous. I look at someone else's finished work and wonder what I'm doing wrong, or if I'm even cut out for this. Am I really good enough to be a writer? To have my dreams all printed out and pushed to the shelves, where other kids will hungrily read and re-read my words over and over again like I used to read my old favorite books?

God, it's so hard to write.

My biggest fear is growing old and giving up; dying before I can share these dreams of mine with the world. That those dreams will die with me. That's terrifying to me. I can't let that happen.

Fuck.