Memoir of Xayah - The lost sparrow and the lonley fox

[34.2]

She had said that in a whisper as if she feared the nature around her could hear her confession. Light words that became long shivers when she remembered where she had heard of that power. Hwai had told her about a creature like that, living in the forest around the Temple of Whispers. The same forest where Ahri lived.
The legend had become a reality; it was standing in front of her.
« Xayah, please, I will never hurt you. I have tried to be satisfied with small doses taken from humans. I feared that if I stayed in close contact with you, I would be tempted to absorb the energy of the Vastaya for the first time. »
« Hold on... are you attracted only by the energy of humans? »
Ahri seemed surprised by that question. Maybe she feared she would be scared of her.
« I think... yes. »
It made sense, of course. She had to descend from an ancient lineage, born at the dawn of their people, in a time when humans do not walk on the pristine land of Ionia. When they came, they had to develop a skill to pull them away and kill them, so that they could keep their home.
Maybe her theory was impregnated with the legends of her childhood, and maybe she was fantasizing too much. But something was telling her that gift helped them to oppose to those being that were taking pieces by pieces their lands.
« So why do not you want to use it against our enemies? »
« Because I am afraid that if I use this power again, then I will not stop... and I do not want to kill innocents anymore. I have interrupted so many lives only to live their memories. And, on second thought, » Ahri stopped, putting a hand on her wet eyes, « If I think about what I have taken from them because of my selfishness... I only feel like a monster. »
« No, you are not a monster, » she replied, approaching.
She had understood her reaction when she had drained the lifeforce and the memories from the adept.
« You have a gift you... you could help all Vastayas to free these lands and give them back their ancient magic. »
« So you really want me to use it against humans. Have you heard what I have just said? »
She looked at Ahri puzzled: why did she seem so angry? She was trying to make her realize how much important she was, and the Vastaya still castled in her positions.
« But you have seen what they can do, how they are threatening all of us Vastayas. »
« And how they defend their loved ones, how they could do heroic acts and how they love, like all Vastayas. »
She took a step back, hoping that she had not heard those words. She tolerated her empathy, in part, she admired her ability to negotiate with them, but she could not accept she placed them on the same level of Vastayas.
« They are destroying our lands, and you still defend them? Maybe Living on their memories had clouded your judgment? »
Those words came spontaneously out of her mouth, and she did nothing to stop them. She hoped Ahri would change her mind. She wanted her to understand her mistakes because she did not want to face the consequences.
« No, I do not want to say... listen, please. I know that you may have met some terrible person in your way. I know how greed makes men do atrocious actions... »
« And so?! »
She held a sob. Rage was becoming something different, something more bitter and painful.
Her eyes pinched, and her stomach was heavy as a rock, two opposite movements that could lead to the worse reaction.
« There are also good persons between them! Think about if they are so terrible, why do the other Lhotlan tribes search contacts with them? »
« What are you trying to insinuate? »
« That you should try to exit the obtuseness of the isolation imposed by your tribe and look around. »
She did not have to say those words; she had paid similar ideas at her own expenses, and after she had regretted to not listen to her father's advice. Ahri could be older, but she was too naive and drunk with the human memories she had absorbed.
« I did it! Once I have also believed that I could trust humans, and you know what have I gained in return? Stones and attempted captures. Not once they have tried to accept me, not once they have not taken advantage of me! And they treat themselves in the same way, killing their own brothers and stepping on their people. Do you really want to side with those people? »
She wanted to say those words for a while. She wanted to clarify with Ahri, but she had thought about a normal conversation, not that. She had believed that theirs was only a kinship, a bond born by survival needs, but actually, it was something deeper, something deeper and more dangerous.
« I am not telling that the worst human should not be punished... »
« But the adepts of who is threatening Ionia yes! You are even ready to spare them! »
Tears started to cloud her eyes, and she tried to hold them, taking deep breaths.
Ahri did not answer to her. The disappointment was painted on her face, and she could not believe that. Was she really blaming her for her ideas? Why could she not see what she had seen?
« If one of them attacked a Vastaya, would you hesitate in stopping them? » she asked, hoping that Ahri was still a reasonable person.
« No, in that case, no. »
« And if one of them attacked a human? »
« No! How could you think that I am so cruel? »
« And if you had to choose between the child that you have helped in the forest and me? »
Ahri did not answer, and she looked at her dismayed while the first sobs shook her body.
« No, no... I will never do somethi... »
« And so why you did not answer immediately? »
The Vastaya stayed silent again.
« Because you would hesitate in a situation like that! You would endanger someone of your people to save someone that could kill you in the future! I... »
She took a deep breath, trying to say the following words.
« I can not work with someone that could backstab me. »
Even if she was despising Ahri, even if she was shocked by her words, her expression was painful. She hurt her deliberately, and in doing so, she also hurt herself. She was a fool and became attached.
« How can you say something like that after all I have done for you?! »
It was her turn to be hit by her words, sadly true. She was in debt with her, she had helped her a lot, and she could not forget that. But she could not tolerate she could betray her people to save some humans.
« I will always be in debt with you, and I will always remember what you have done for me but... I can not believe you could go against your people or your tribe. »
« And what do you know about my tribe? » Ahri asked in a hiss.
« I know that they could be disappointed by your behaviour. So or you decide to do a soul searching or... I can not trust you. »
She wiped away her tears with a sleeve, ready to leave everything behind.
« Xayah, please, we can talk about that. You can not continue alone only because of this. »
She heard Ahri approaching and the tremble in her voice. All the pain she was causing to her was piercing more and more her flesh as a sharpen knife, but she had to endure. She could not overshadow her people. She could not ally with someone so close to humans.
« Better alone than with a traitor. »
The last words were the most difficult to say because she knew their weight. She did not have another choice; Ahri had to understand her mistakes.
She did not turn even once. She started to run into the maples, trying to distance Ahri.
She was wrong in finding some company, and she was wrong in accepting it so quickly. She was suffering again, as when she had lost her tribe. That stabbing pain in her chest was choking her and tears were flowing as a swollen river once more.
And it would be the last time. Step by step, she swore she would continue alone, as she had done before. She would have never sold her trust so quickly again, that was a mistake she had learnt to not make.