Shards

Ocean in the Hallway

The brightly painted halls usually cheered Shard up. The badly painted rainbows, disproportionate suns, children's attempts of painting people, and odd creatures and animals they scribbled on the walls could always bring a chuckle to Shard, but, this time, the children's wing's attempts of happiness mock him.

Shard's feet are replaced with cinder blocks as he walks down the corridor. The tile floor turns more into a muddy ocean bed with each step. The ocean fills around him. His emotions start suffocating him, but he manages to keep the rising ocean at his neck

Before knocking on the door labeled "7" with his knuckle, he stares at it to ensure the ocean doesn't wash over his face. A heavy, hot breath bounces back in his face.

The nanny opens the door. "Who are-?" She cuts off her initial hostile response. Her squint and scowl relaxes as her brows fall to the sides of her eyes. "Oh..." her heavy voice drags out. She stammers. "I'm sorry, Shard. You look...I..."

Shard waves his hand to stop her. "You're fine."

The kids playing in the background stay ignorant to Shard's presence. He envies the seven-year-olds' resilience. Each one of them has already been through something to land them in this wing. And Shard comes to further destroy another one. Shard's eyes drift over to him playing with a group of other kids. They scramble around the room, kicking a ball around to play some game of their invention.

"I..." Shard forces the words out of his chest. "I need to talk to Amir."

The nanny sucks in a breath. Her eyes glaze over. "Tamra?"

"Yesterday," Shard says through his teeth. "During the lockdown the other day. Took one to the chest. Pierced her armor." His teeth grit. "Lost her this morning." The ocean rises dangerously close to his nose as if he breathes in too deep, he'll suck in the water and start to choke.

The nanny presses a hand to her mouth and shakes her head. "That's why she hadn't been here." Words muffle under her hand.

Biting on his lower lip, Shard nods. "I didn't want to come here and get his hopes up while she was in a coma. But..." His words trail off to another sentence. "I stood with her. That's why I'm here late. I also needed some time. But now..." Shard shakes his head. "Can you get Amir? I'll be out here."

The nanny nods and disappears in the room. Shard takes a few paces down the hall where there are no doors or rooms close by.

The door to the room closes. In front of it, he sees Amir's little frame look down the opposite end Shard is at to the correct one. Shard waves him over. Amir's little feet scramble down the hall, not stopping until he's in front of Shard.

"Shard?" he says. He can hear the uncertainty wave his voice.

Kids can be ignorant, but they're not stupid.

"You look weird," Amir says. "Why?"

Amir had never seen him look like this before. Not many people do.

"You know how I change colors when I'm happy?" Shard says.

Amir nods. The electric blue hair he styled to look just like his mom's flops around. The shaved portion needs a touch up. Just like Tam's did. He had promised later this week he would fix both of theirs up.

Shard squats to eye level with Amir. He had noticed before how he had Tam's eyes, but they're painfully identical.

Shard bites the inside of his lip before continuing. "I change colors when I'm sad, too."

"Wh-why are you sad?" Amir's words come out clunkily. The eyes Tam gave this little boy fill with tears.

"Because..." Shard's voice chokes and squeaks. The ocean is flooding into his mouth and beating against his chest. Breathing is harder. "Your mom..." Shard swallows. "She died this morning."

"What?" Amir's voice is so small, so quiet.

"Your mom died this morning," Shard's voice matches his. "That's why she hasn't been here to see you the past few days. During the lockdown, she was shot. She fought hard to live like she always did. But this time..." Shard swallows another mouthful of ocean water. The water is bitter. The words are bitter. "She was hurt too bad to where even the strongest people couldn't survive. And we both know she was the strongest."

Amir's electric blue hair whips around. His head thrashes like it could fall off.

"No! No, Shard!" Amir shouts. His little fists pound against Shard's chest. "That's not a funny prank! It's not!" Blue tears streak his tan face. "Take it back! Take it back, now!"

The fists don't hurt Shard. He can't even feel them. The ocean bashing against his heart is what hurts, what he feels.

Shard cups Amir's face in his hands and tilts it up to look at his. Shard's thumbs catch the tears off Amir's reddened cheeks as Shard's mask catches his own.

"I wish I was joking, Amir. Believe me. I wish it was a cruel joke," Shard says through a hoarse whisper.

Amir lets out a bellowing scream in the hall. It echoes but no door opens to peak at the unfolding drama. He collapses and lets out another scream. A "no" lost somewhere in releasing it.

Shard throws his arms around Amir and draws him in. Amir screams and beats Shard with tiny hands before they dig deep into Shard's back, clinging to him.

The ocean washes over Shard with its icy, hot waves. The waves shove and swirl Shard's insides around. They pull his heart and stomach down. A shiver from beneath his skin shakes a choked cry out of him, pushed through his stomach, chest, and throat.

The ocean throws memories into Shard's face, seeping into his mind. The first time he met her during his first recovery mission. How she threatened to "cut off his ugly ass face" if he didn't let her jump back into the rubble to save her son. Staying with her while she and Amir recovered. Learning about Chromy life together through old movies played for the camp when his father was alive. Tam staying by him after his father was killed. How crazy drunk she would get at parties that were thrown for morale in the past. Her screeching laugh. Her laughable over protection of Shard. But now, it isn't laughable.

Shard squeezes Amir tighter. He knows Amir can take it. Amir was on a similar path as him. But now even more similar than he wanted to. His mother was supposed to live. But he failed.

He failed because he didn't keep tabs on Sals or listen to the warnings about not sharing with more Chromies what he's been doing or take heed to the warnings of what could happen if he took Rhinehart in the compound. All of this comes back to the Rhineharts. So much of his pain, everyone's pain, has been because of the Rhineharts and their cronies. Why shouldn't he shoot Rhinehart? Why didn't he gun her down as soon as he saw her? Why doesn't he go to do it now? None of his people would be upset or blink an eye at it. Except Techie and Angel Bird.

A shouting cry shakes Shard.

He has to keep his promise to Techie. Techie is too important to lose. And how could be betray Angel Bird after everything she's given up?

More shivers, more cries, more mucus slop out of Shard.

Amir curls up tighter in Shard's hold. He can hear Amir's cries choke him. Shard strokes his head.

"I know. I know. Believe me. I do," Shard whispers.

Amir had his mother for less time than Shard. It's not fair.

At least Shard could be here for Amir unlike himself when his mother died. All he had was himself and his mother's corpse he was forced to clean up. The only people there for him were the ones telling him her death was his fault, a result of his failure.

Why does he always fail? Why do his failures cost so much?

He has to start paying Octavia's ransom before he fails and loses everything.