Against The Wall

Chapter Eighteen

As the countdown nears, what Chase said earlier hits me. For the last ten years, I have kissed him at
midnight. Whether we were at a party, or bringing in the New Year at home, it was always Chase. It's feels a little weird we're both here, but we won't be sharing this moment together. Time to move
on, I guess, but just when I think I have, things like this creep up on me.

Margot and Mel run around passing out plastic champagne flutes to everyone, while I ponder what will happen at the stroke of midnight.

Someone else dishes out noise makers. Speaking of noise, I've already heard several gunshots, which always makes me nervous. Jessica turns on the TV and changes the channel to the countdown in Times Square.

Less than five minutes. This year is going to be so different from last. Teachers usually think of a year in terms of an academic calendar, but this time, I'm going to take the plunge and make a New Year's resolution. I'm not sure what it's going to be yet, but
I know it doesn't involve needing a man to be happy and fretting over jackasses who have done me wrong.

This year is going to be my bitch, just like that quarter was.

"5—4—3—2—1—Happy New Year!" is heard all around.

This first person I celebrate with is Mel. We hold out our arms and give each other the biggest girly hug
ever. "I love you," I tell her. And she tells me the same.

Next, I hug my brother. It's comforting to have him here, and in this moment, I really feel how much I miss him and wish he'd come home.

And then ... Matty. I fling my hands around his neck and yank him down for my first New Year's kiss. He lifts me off the ground and hugs me so tightly I feel it in my ribs. I lift my legs to encircle his waist and I don't want to let go.

"Sorry," I say into his ear. "I couldn't resist."

"Shhh. This is perfect." He kisses me again, this time on the cheek before I feel my feet touch the floor.

For the next few minutes, we circle the room exchanging hugs and best wishes for the upcoming year. It reminds me of square dancing in the fifth grade. You dance with one person and then turn to another, constantly changing partners until ...

Chase is right in front of me.

He opens his arms to me. My first thought is to punch him in the gut, but then I realize if I stay mad at him forever, I may never move on. I have to work with this guy so I need to fix it. Sure, he's a total dick for what he did, but holding a grudge forever makes it seem like I'm holding on to him.

And I'm done with the past. I know I'm over Chase. I don't feel that yearning for him anymore, or even the pain of what he did. I've really moved on.

I get it now. Finally.

So I open my arms to him too, and we embrace. It feels a lot like a goodbye to my past. Like I'm finally
letting go. I don't feel sad. What I feel is more like relief, that I'm free from his hold on me. I'm free to start fresh this year, and not be tied up with all the nonsense of Chase.

I release my hold on him and try to step back. I look up at him and smile a farewell. At least, it's what I feel like I'm doing. Chase doesn't get it though, because he takes this as his chance to plant a smack down on me with his lips mashed into mine. I put my hands on his shoulders to push him back, but then I just relax in the moment. If I wasn't sure before—even though I was pretty fucking sure—I know now it's totally over.

Chase's lips are totally smothered all over mine
right now—his mouth is closed, thank God—and I feel nothing. I let it continue to be sure, but still ... nothing. Not a damn thing. Zilch. No wobbly knees, no tingling in my thighs, no heat penetrating down there. No love making my heart go pitter patter.
Nothing. Zip.

It's over.

We finally separate. I pat his chest and tell him, "Thank you, Chase. That was just what I needed." I give him one last smile and turn to walk away forever—metaphorically speaking though, because I will still see him at work on Monday. But when I turn, I see Matty, who does not look too happy to see
me.

He doesn't say anything. He walks away, and as I hurry to follow him, Mel stops me.

"Did I just see you kissing Chase?" she asks, with a disgusted look on her face.

"Yeah, but it's not what you think."

"I've heard that before. What the shithole, Shel?"

"I'll explain to you later. Right now, I need to talk to Matty," I reply.

I wander around outside but there is no sign of him. I look throughout the house, but he's not there either. The car, maybe he went to the car. I grab my coat and head outside. I walk past many houses and when I get to where we're parked, he's not there
either. I must have missed him inside.

When I get back to the party, I see Mel first.

"I can't find Matty," I tell her.

"He left," she says.

"What? No he didn't. His car is still here," I explain.

"He gave your brother his keys and got a ride with John." She throws her arm around me and squeezes. "He's pretty upset. You kissed Chase? Of all fucking
people?"

I roll my eyes. "I didn't kiss Chase. He kissed me."

"He said he heard you tell Chase you needed him," she continues.

"Oh son of a mother lover. Matty should know better. He didn't hear me say those exact words. Can you get Ty? I wanna go home." The tears are threatening to break free and I want to get out of here before I cause a scene, or a scandal. I can just see the headlines at work on Monday. No thank
you.

I can't believe Matty is choosing now to act like a punk. I didn't say I needed Chase. He needs to clean out his ears. He doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. He just took off and didn't give me a chance to explain.

Un-fucking-believable. I thought he had confidence in me. In us.

What bullshit?

He just ran away.

—————————

By the time I get home, I'm seething mad. I don't allow myself to be sad and weepy about Matty
leaving me hanging. I'm just pissed he left me hanging. I could ring his stupid gorgeous neck right now.

I toss around in bed, which seems like a sea of never ending space without him here. I look at the clock and it's only been about fifteen minutes since I've been lying here. It feels like time is standing still. The minutes on the clock can't seem to turn fast enough. It's just after one and the Lady Antebellum booty call song starts playing in my head. I fight the
urge to sing it aloud, knowing I'll probably start crying if I do.

Sure, I'm all alone and I'm drunk and I want to call him. But I'm not going to. Fuck him. I'm not going to go out in the middle of the night and look for him. I did once already, only to find he left my ass there.

Without a single word.

He just left. But I am going to text him.

'Well I guess it was only a matter of time before you left me too.'

I wait. Five minutes. Ten minutes. No texts back.
So I send another.

'It's just too bad you didn't stick around long enough for me to tell you what I figured out tonight.'

I wait again. Nothing.

Last text.

'I guess you'll never know. Fucker. I love you ...'

I stare at the text on my screen for a long time. But instead of sending it, I back space thirteen times and
erase the whole damn thing.