Lovebug

The freedom I was looking for

I wake up at 6:40 to Miguel shaking me 

"How many times am I going to find you on the bathroom floor, bro?" 
I let out a nervous chuckle 
"hopefully never again"
"for someone who's been depressed, your house is awfully clean."
"Hello to you too, Miguel."
"Sorry- sorry. wanna take a walk with me?"

it's strange to see Miguel after so long, but it's a lot easier than I thought it'd be. I feel safe when he's around, I forgot what that was like. 

"sure, I think I need to get out of the house anyway."

By 6:47 we're walking down my front steps. 
The sky is gray, it smells like wet cardboard.

"So, I have some questions, Bug."
"Is that so?"
"I haven't seen you in forever, you have to expect a few questions."
"well shoot I guess."
"Were you ignoring me on purpose before you hit your head?"

I feel the need to lie. I feel the urge to reassure him. 
By now I think it's safe to say I've learned to resist urges.

"Yeah."
I'm not looking at him, but I can feel his face lose it's light when I say that. 

"Did I do something wrong?"
"No. You did everything right."

I've never had to face a conversation like this. 
I've never fought the urge to lie.

"Then why?"
"You introduced me to the world and I wanted to see the rest of it. I barely did a thing before I screwed it up, I think I just didn't want you to see how desperate I was for freedom."

He stays silent for what feels like a million years as we enter a park. 
6:53 pm.
He sits on a swing set and gestures for me to join him. 
A swing set surrounded by sand. 
I hate sand. 
I sit down.

"And I couldn't have shown you freedom?"

And how in the world am I supposed to respond to that?

"I-" I bury my face in my hands.
"I guess not the freedom I was looking for."