i did something special today.
out of complete bordeom, i decided to create a couple friend appreciation posts. nothing grand. just a couple facts along with a decorated picture.
but, i realize, it is something more.
the people i wrote them about replied to them and told me things like, "woah this made my day," and i felt proud because i did something good and that's all i ever want to do.
a little birdie told me today that it was something she needed.
and in that moment, call me dramatic, but i realized it was a sign. i was a sign. i was her sign.
i could've broken down in that moment.
because sometimes, i feel as if people just don't like me. i know it doesn't matter but when the people in question are the people you truly care for, it hurts. horribly.
most of the time i feel like i am too pushy. stubborn. annoying. like i should just shut up but i cannot because it is simply not in my personality and i like to stay true to myself even if it means the world hating me.
but i feel like i'm too much.
too annoying. too stubborn. too many questions. too much bottled self depreciation. just too much. i felt like i could disclose myself away from people and they'd just be so much happier without a constant yapping or dinging notification from my texts.
i can be sad. sometimes maybe too much. sometimes i feel like the whole world just hates me and i cry and cry and cry because even if people tell me they don't hate me, i don't feel it. i don't believe it. i don't think it.
i see it, i do, but my mind is so stubborn and riddled with trust issues.
i'm not exactly broken. i'm just so- reluctant. so hesistant. scared to bear myself to someone because i've read countless books, in each there seems to be someone who gives themselves to someone just to be left in the dirt, stripped bear.
but in each, the same character also finds themselves.
they lose their past selves, but then they become who they are meant to be.
i realize i can be like that. will this lessen my self hatred? no. it will not. i still dislike myself so much and it is quite unhealthy, but self love comes from the self. my heart and mind and body must work together and accept eachother as a whole. then my soul will burn brighter. then i will glow like i was always meant to.
but that is not my point. my point is that i can be a sign sent from God too. i can be what they needed to hear or see, albeit unknowingly, just by being who i am. just by doing what i want to do. just by spreading positivity.
i can uplift someone's spirits just by revealing how beautiful they are in my perspective.
and i realize, if i can be someone's sign, i can be my own sign. if i can uplift someone else, i can uplift myself.
if i can show love to everybody, i can show love to myself. my temple. my soul's home. my cocoon. my body.
it just takes time. because i know the more challenging it is, the greater the reward is.
and this time my reward is a beautiful treaure everyone should have: self love.
it isn't narcissistic. it isn't being conceited or full of yourself.
it's the first form of love a person should muster after loving their parents. it's a pure form of love. it's what gives you strength and what boosts your confidence. it's what makes you your best self. it's, ultimately, what will teach you how to love people. because how can you give love that you don't have?
——— the last one for today, i promise.
